Life

A beautiful woman that I went to University with recently committed suicide.

The news hit me like a ton of bricks. Although I wasn't close with this woman, we ran in the same circle and a couple of my close friends were close with her, which is how I heard the news today. None of that really matters though, what matters is an amazing woman is no longer with us on earth and that is heartbreaking.

This got me thinking that our lives are constantly changing, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse (or so we think). In my mere 33 years on this planet I've been through so much, and always with amazing friends by my side, yet it's only now, in this moment, that I realize how much I miss my friends.

I wouldn't trade my life today to go back in time for anything, but I need to vent this out ...

Sometimes it gets really lonely. Sometimes I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. But what does that even mean; 'the way they used to be?' Because life is forever and ever changing, and the way things used to be in 1999, are completely different from the way things were in 2003, to the way things were in 2007, 2010, 2013, and so on.

I was just saying to Amanda today that I can't believe it's 2017, and she said that we have been friends for 15 years. We met in first year University. FIFTEEN YEARS AGO.

Mind. Blown.

My entire life I have been really blessed with such amazing friends, some I still talk to, some I still see and some I don't talk to or see at all. There are times that I think that it would be nice to go back to those 'simpler' times, when it seemed that our only care in the world was what time we were going out for dinner, or who's house we were pre-drinking at, however all of those times came with their own sadness and their own pain. All of which seems completely irrelevant to me now though.

That being said, what seems like the end of the world today, will likely not be as horrifying in 5, 10, 15 years. Absolutely nothing is permanent, in fact, it's all so fucking temporary.

I can say that with certainty as I raise my daughter and watch her grow before my very eyes. I feel like I blinked and she is 7 months old. Every moment is precious and hearing of Alex's death has made me realize that even more.

This season of my life is all about my baby girl and I am so happy that I cry tears of joy on the regular, yet sometimes I feel like I just want to get dressed in non-nursing attire and go out like I used to. I want to have a night to do whatever I want, with all my best friends. Tonight I am reminiscing about my University days when the world was quite literally my oyster, to come and go as I please, see whoever I want, go to sleep whenever I want, wake up whenever I want ... it sounds like pure bliss - but was it?

Who knows...

All I know is, it's Friday night, August 11th, 2017 and I'm in my PJ's at 8:30pm, watching my sleeping baby on the monitor as I write this post, alone. And I wouldn't change it.

Long gone are the University days but I will forever have the memories, some amazing and some horrifying, yet all cherished. I have my whole life ahead of me and I have a beautiful new little life to nurture and care for along the way now. I am grateful. I am blessed. I honour all of my feelings tonight and always. I let go of the past; and I pray for Alex, her family and all those who currently struggle to see hope through the pain.

Love, Kylie

PS: This also goes to show that you impact more people than you actually know. I bet Alex never thought that the news of her death would shake me like it did. We are all one.

Love doesn't seek anything.

"Understand that your life is a vessel of perfection and allow it to unfold naturally"
-Wayne Dyer




I started really meditating on the practice of allowing a few months ago and it has altered my state of being in the most profound way. Let me explain, but let me first start out by telling you that I am someone who has always had issues with control. For as long as I can remember, I would try to control and manipulate people, places, things and situations to go my way. This failed, time and time again and would result (in what I see now as) unnecessary suffering.


At the time I didn't understand that MY actions were the direct cause of my suffering, I thought it was because some person, place or thing didn't do / didn't go exactly as I had planned. I was always a victim, and there was always someone or something to blame.




I was introduced to the concept of letting go when I entered into recovery from my substance abuse problems back in 2010, yet at that time I still had no idea how to actually "do it". I could not understand for the life of me how to relinquish control. Intellectually, it made sense, however I was still filled with so much fear and that made it impossible to put this practice into action.




Looking back, I am so grateful for all of the years and all of the pain that I experienced as a result of trying (and failing) to hold on to something or someone, because these experiences have taught me to live in a completely new way today and this is by way of non-attachment and allowing.




This may sound easy, but I assure you, it is not. Simple, yes - easy, no.




It takes a daily commitment of surrendering to God's will and trusting that you are not in charge.




In a world that tells us everyday that "you can make your dreams come true" and to "do whatever it takes to reach your goals", the fact that I'm telling you that YOU are not in charge is probably very confusing. Although you do have a PART in creating your best life possible, it BEGINS with the understanding that God doesn't need you to take control. There is a master plan and it isn't one that you need to create.




You will achieve all that you ever dreamed of and more as soon as you understand and act as if you are the CO-creator of your life, not the creator itself.




This understanding and true knowing gives the gift of peace and happiness every single day.




The key to achieving this peace of mind is allowing your life to unfold with no expectations and no attachments to outcomes.




It's all about surrendered action.




Continuously choosing to act from a place of love and not expecting anything in return. Trusting, with 100% certainty that as long as your actions are in alignment with God, you will be taken care of.




Now, here's the question that I asked myself for YEARS...




HOW do you know whether or not you are acting from a place of love??




Simple.




Love doesn't seek ANYTHING.




So ... if you are doing something with the sole purpose of "getting", you aren't in alignment and you aren't acting from a place of love.




BOOM.




Total revelation.




I need not SEEK or STRIVE for any kind of love from ANYONE or ANYTHING. It is all here, already, and it is in ME to GIVE.




I finally can understand that when I am seeking love from another person, that it is not true, it is of the ego and therefore cannot be trusted to stay.


When I busy myself with giving more love to everyone and everything around me, essentially being of service to all that currently IS, I am naturally allowing the people who are meant to be in my life, to either enter or remain.




When you align yourself with giving love and expecting nothing in return, watch as all of the love in the world finds you. It's really magical.




I will leave you with one of my favourite lessons from A Course In Miracles, and that is, the only thing lacking from any situation, is what you are not giving. Meditate on THAT :)




I hope this blog posts serves you, and I hope it can allow you to surrender a little bit more, and give out a little bit more love today. Trust me when I say, you will receive it back tenfold.




Love always,


Kylie

The rose.

If you've ever really looked at a rose, which I hadn't until yesterday, you'll notice the sheer perfection of it's existence.

The pedals of a rose are perfectly crafted to come together to make the flower itself a masterpiece. Examining the rose has absolutely blown my mind. The thorns on the roses stem are as sharp as knives, and this, I've learned, is to protect the rose from plant-eating animals. What I also can't get over, is how perfectly placed the leaves are on the stem of a rose to cover the thorns, and this, I believe is to protect our hands, as those beautiful leaves sure did protect mine. The point of my analyzing the perfection of a rose is that it reinforces my belief that God thinks of absolutely everything. He creates the most fascinating and the most beautiful things on this earth for us to enjoy. What then, could ever make us believe that WE are not His MOST fascinating and beautiful creation?

Enter fear. What we have learned here.

Fear causes us to do a whole lot of crazy shit, including believe that we are not a perfect reflection of God himself. I know for me, fear is the underlying factor in absolutely all of my defects of character. If I lie, it stems from fear. If I am insecure, fear. If I am judgmental, fear. I could go on … the point is, we are human and we all experience fear and that fear, if allowed to control our lives can cause us to act out in ways that are not in accordance with our true selves (aka Love)

A Course In Miracles teaches me that I have to unlearn everything I have learned here on earth, to remember the truth of my being, which is Love and return to that state.

This, in my experience, takes practice. Daily devotion to Love AND forgiveness.

I stress forgiveness because, like I said, fear causes us to make mistakes. When I do something that I am not proud of, instead of losing my mind and scrambling to do whatever it takes to fix the situation (which is in turn just injecting the situation with MORE FEAR) my work is to PAUSE and immediately thank God for bringing to my attention something that I need to work on. What is actually happening, if I choose to see mistakes through the eyes of Love, is God is giving me an opportunity to correct a deep rooted belief about myself. THEN, once I am calm, I can identify exactly what it is that I need to learn from the situation, practice radical forgiveness for myself and surrender the outcome.

That's it. I need not try and control the situation, I need not try to lie and manipulate my way out. What I need to do is surrender, LOVE and trust the process.

In the bible we are fortunate enough to read some beautiful verses, one of my favourites, which is actually the background on my phone comes from Isaiah, verse 26, line 3.

"You, Lord, give perfect peace
to those who keep their purpose firm
and put their trust in you"

Truer words never spoken.

When I actually sit down to think about all life and the world and what I am meant to be doing here, nothing but Love comes to mind. We have been blessed with a mere 80-100 years on this beautiful planet, if we are lucky. How do you want to spend those days? Keep it simple and trust the process, follow your heart, and if I may quote the lovely Cinderella, have courage and be kind.

Life is too short to take ourselves so seriously. If you've made a mistake, own it, learn from it and move forward. Beating yourself up only creates more stress. And if someone chooses to not be in your life as a result of a mistake you've made, or for any other reason at all, that's their prerogative. Honour yourself by honouring others. If someone is judging you, it is a reflection of them and has absolutely nothing to do with you. Acceptance + love is the answer.

Life doesn't stop for anyone. My experience has been that when I put my trust in God, I am granted the perfect peace that is promised to me, that is promised to us all. Sometimes I get mixed up in fear and that is when things get difficult, however I always have a choice to remember who I am and choose Love.

Here's to living in Love,

Kylie

Letting go is like making a fire.

During my meditation this afternoon, I received a very clear message to burn all of my old journals.

Now I am an avid writer, I write almost daily in my personal journals. Essentially I keep a log of my entire life on paper, so much so that I have a book shelf full of my used journals, they are like my most prized possessions. Proof of all the work I've done on myself over the last 5 years.

I didn't realize they were haunting me until today. You see, I know what I've been through and I remember what I write about. I can tell you which journals outline each months of each year and as mentioned, my collection spans the last 5 years of my life. Anytime I want to take a little trip down memory lane, all I have to do is open up one of my beloved journals and start reading. Now, I don't do this OFTEN but when I do I immediately start to feel depressed, which isn't surprising, given the fact that I am taking myself out of the present moment to go back and visit the past. 

There is absolutely no logical reason to do this.

After going back in time to March of 2014 this afternoon and tripping myself out completely, I gathered everything up and made my way to the backyard to our little fire pit. 

It should be noted that I have never, ever made an actual fire before in my life. 

Which brings me to the point of this blog.

Letting go is much like making a fire.

First of all, I expected it to be easy. Matches in hand, my assumption was that I was going to light one up, throw it on top of my pile of journals and they would all go up in flames. Wrong.

My matches actually did nothing. Thank goodness my downstairs neighbour came home and loaned me his BBQ lighter, which made things a bit easier and I am now fairly certain that no fire would have been started with me and my matches.

Secondly, it takes way longer than you think!! As mentioned above, I thought this would be easy. I assumed that my ceremonial burning of the journals would last approximately 10-15 minutes. Wrong. 1.5 hours later and we are still going. It's amazing how hard it is to get paper to light on fire and more importantly, to STAY on fire. 

Thirdly, it's terrifying. I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't completely panicked when my little fire did bust out some massive flames from time to time. I was freaking out thinking the flames were going to light the tree on fire, so much so that I had a pot of water outside with me, just incase. 

Fourth, it's painful. I got so much smoke in my eyes and I inhaled so much smoke that my eyes, throat and lungs were burning like crazy. So not cool. 

Last but not least, I need help. Not only did Doug from downstairs help me out initially, but I have decided to wait to finish my "letting go" ceremony until Brandon gets home, as I am fairly confident that he will be much better equipped to start a proper fire. I get by with a little help from my friends!!

Isn't it ironic and so, so therapeutic that my experience, although disastrous with making a fire in my backyard is exactly what I needed to recognize that letting go is not easy. Letting go of the past is damn hard! And it takes time. It's friggen scary and painful and you definitely cannot do it all alone.

The good news is though, it can be done. You, my little angel of light, are strong enough. Take this as your sign!

Let. It. Go.

Love to love,

Kylie

I needed to write this.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind"

- Dr. Seuss 

I am so grateful for my true friends, for the ones that allow me to express myself without judgment. It is through the unconditional love and support of a select few that I have been given the courage to write about something that has been bothering me and unfortunately, something that I have allowed to silence me. 

One of the things I admired most about Rob was his ability to do whatever he wanted, say whatever he wanted and post whatever he wanted. He did all of this without allowing anyones criticism (including my own) to stop him. It may have hurt his feelings, in fact, I know that it did but it certainly did not stop him. Rob was who he was and whether or not you loved him or hated him, it wasn't going to change him… I loved him. 

For someone like me who can identify with being a "people pleaser", which can be defined as: someone who is always nice, helpful and a basic moral support for just about anyone; people pleasers often suppress their own needs in order to please or satisfy the needs of others. (Yikes!)

After reading the above you can perhaps understand that the act of not caring what other people think is a terribly difficult task. Almost unnatural to a people pleaser. I would go as far as to say it's one of the most uncomfortable feelings for me to do something or say something when I know that people have formed negative opinions about me, are judging me or don't think what I am doing is cool.

I have learned to authentically express myself over the last few years, as a direct result of loving myself more, which is amazing. That being said, I am usually met with praise and acceptance and it's easy to express yourself when people are supportive and when they love what you're doing. It's when I am met with a lack of acceptance that I have been known to stop saying how I feel, even if it goes against my truth, because I don't want to upset anyone else and I want everyone to like me.

This is not okay.

When I gather up the information that I have learned thus far in my life, I do believe without a shadow of a doubt that nothing anyone else does is ever about me. In fact, it's the Second Agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz's book, "The Four Agreements" - Don't take anything personally.

"Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world…"

He goes on to say … 

"Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds about themselves" 

Yes!! It's not about me! It's not about you! Nothing anyone does is ever about you!

With that knowledge, comes power and I am ready to take my power back. I need to respectfully be who I am, without fear. 

As stated above, my true friends have given me the strength to write this blog, Rob being one of them. By them authentically expressing their truth, I have the courage to do the same. I honour myself and each and every one of you by expressing what I truly feel and who I am. And who I am, in part, is someone that misses Rob every single day. At the beginning of every month, I am reminded that at this time in August, we were about to lose him. It hurts me to my core. I don't need to dwell in that place of pain, however I don't need to silence that pain either. 

Like Dr. Seuss says, those who matter, don't mind. 

My hope and prayer for myself and for all of us is that the next time we go to form a judgment about someone or about a certain situation, stop. Take a breath. Perhaps ask yourself why you are tempted to form an opinion about someone else and their life? What is going on inside of you at the very moment you're tempted to judge someone else? And remember, you are no better or no worse than anyone else. We are all human, therefore we are all one. I know I will continue to practice this in my life. I am by no means perfect, but I will continue to do the best that I can with what I have, especially now that I've been reminded how much it hurts to be judged. 

Thank you for reading this and allowing me to express myself :)

Here's to being authentically you!

Is there something you've been holding onto? Something you haven't been doing or saying for fear of what other people will think? Reach out to me, I know how you feel. 

Love & light,

Kylie 

Eat, Pray, Love.

I am currently reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert, which I find quite amusing because this book has been recommended to me numerous times over the years by various different people, my running group even lovingly nicknamed me 'eat, pray, love' back in 2013 after I told them all that I don't run with music because I spend the whole time praying and talking to God. My reading this book at this point in my life absolutely affirms my belief that all things happen in God's perfect time. Gilbert's journey of self-discovery completely parallels my life right now (minus some of the details)

I will never forget being introduced to Elizabeth Gilbert's story, it was July of 2010 and I was just getting sober. Life was bleak at best, and I was in need of inspiration. I decided to go to the movies by myself one afternoon to see 'Eat, Pray, Love' on the big screen. A specific line has been embedded in my memory since that day, Julia Roberts, who plays Gilbert in the film is visiting or has visited some of the ruins in ancient Rome, and she makes the observation that "ruin is a gift, in fact ruin is the road to transformation" … WHAT?!! This was exactly what I needed to hear and it was actually the only thing that I heard the whole movie. My life was in shambles at this point in time, my attention span was zero, I had no idea what was up or down and I definitely did not see this pain that I was going through as a gift. As it turns out though, what once seemed like the end of my world, has transformed my life in ways that I never even imagined possible.

Fast forward to exactly 5 years later, it's July 2015 and my life is in a state of disarray AGAIN. I had just decided to leave my secure, well paying job with the federal government, where I had been lucky enough to receive both benefits and a pension for the last 8 years. People often refer to government jobs as "the golden handcuffs" because on paper, you have it made, however in reality, I was miserable. To leave a government job is definitely not viewed as the smartest thing to do by societies standards, so needless to say, this was just a wee bit stressful. I also decided to pack up my apartment and leave suburbia for the first time in my entire life and move to Toronto. Then, to add some extra insanity to all of the terrifying change that was already taking place, one of my closest friends passed away in the midst of it all.

Cue the breakdown.

There is one major difference between the breakdown of 2010 and the breakdown of 2015 and that difference has allowed me and continues to allow me to move through any pain and discomfort with Grace and dignity.

That difference is faith.

In 2010, I had no faith and my suffering was immense as a result. Today, I turn my will and my life over to the care of my Loving God. I don't know who God is, or where He is, or if He is even a He, but it doesn't matter to me … My faith is what keeps me grounded and I can say with confidence that the current state of my life, which could be viewed by many (and sometimes myself) as "ruins" is definitely the road to great transformation.

Elizabeth Gilbert goes on to quote Virginia Woolf in 'Eat, Pray, Love' and what Woolf writes deeply resonates with me...

She wrote "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword" she goes on to explain that on one side of the sword, there lies convention and tradition and order, where "all is correct" but on the other side of the sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows regular course" Woolf's argument was that the crossing of the shadow of the sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman (or man) Woolf wrote this about a woman, however the same came be applied to any man.

Of course by choosing to "cross the shadow of the sword" there will be confusion and lots of risk but that's what makes my heart beat fast. It's wildly exciting not to know exactly what's going to happen next.

Confusion, risk and excitement.

All three exist when we choose to step out of our comfort zone and take the road less travelled and that is the whole point of my writing today, to assure you (and me) that despite being in the midst of some confusion, as long as we keep the faith and remain open, the transformation will take place.

The transformation IS taking place.

Life happens on the other side of your comfort zone.

Faith is trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.

Here's to having faith in the unknown.

Love & light,

Kylie

The struggle is real.

The title of this post says it all: the struggle is real, my friends.

It has been 3 months since my dearest, darlingest Rob passed away … 3 months today. I was saying to Martina earlier this morning on our run that I just CANNOT believe that it has only been 3 months. I cannot. It feels like an eternity to me.

Minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days … it's so cliche, however in the moments when the grief overwhelms me and I feel like my loneliness and pain might kill me … time slows down. 

This is neither a good or a bad thing and the amount of time since he's been gone is really irrelevant … the fact of the matter will always remain the same, he is gone and I miss him.

A comment from a friend on my Facebook today suggested that I write about Rob for anyone else who may be going through the same thing and although I have been writing, I thought it actually would be a good idea today, given the fact that it's been a quarter of a year … and my mood has been especially lonely. 

I am so grateful that intellectually I KNOW that my feeling are not going to kill me. First things first, you are not your emotions. Our emotions come up to teach us a lesson that needs to be learned, not to rule us. 

Once I can separate myself from (in todays case) the loneliness, I invite it in. I ask God what I am meant to learn from this and to help me through the feelings I am having. (If the word God trips you out, ask whatever you believe in, your highest self, the angels, your soul … whatever, it doesn't matter, I ask God) Inviting God into my life through prayer and meditation on a daily basis is as important as breathing. ESPECIALLY during times of emotional turmoil. 

Try this simple prayer/request for guidance from A Course In Miracles:

"What would You have me do?
Where would You have me go? 
What would You have me say, and to whom?"

After I invite God in and pray my ass off … I usually start to feel better. I then find a healing activity to take part in. Usually for me that's some form of movement, it could be a run, a walk or yoga … it could also be a trip to my local coffee shop to read the paper - reading the paper is a brand new hobby of mine that's proving to be quite invigorating :) it could also be getting my butt to the beach so I can be near the water, I find water to be particularly healing … I could go on … but I won't. I know what activities soothe me, and you know what activities soothe you, pick one and go forth. 

If you don't have the luxury of being unemployed like I do and the overwhelm hits you mid-work day, you will be amazed at the power of going to the washroom, locking yourself in a stall and taking 5 long, deep breaths. In my experience this has been like a re-set button to get through the rest of the day.

The fact of the matter is, nothing is going to bring Rob back to me … AND I am still here, sooo I need to be willing to do whatever I can to live peacefully. Some days, I curse this fact. Other days, I am grateful. Whether I'm experiencing a bout of suicidal rage, or a day full of blissful joy … it is absolutely crucial that I do not identify with either. The ups and downs are going to come and go. Equally as important as knowing you are not your sadness, is knowing you are not your joy. 

I have experienced a full week of being relatively pain free, to the point that I thought I was "over it" … I got myself so high from believing that I had made it through the grief that when the grief hit me again, it was like being thrown off a cliff and then run over by a bus. It was 10x harder to recover from that because I allowed myself to believe it was over. 

It will never be over and that has to be okay, otherwise I'm in for a whole lot of suffering. 

This poem by Rumi sums up what I am trying to say, in a much more eloquent fashion… 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Love & Light,

Kylie

PS: Help others. It helps.