Addiction is a very touchy subject for a lot of people, myself included. The topic of this blog was sparked by two events that have taken place at work over the past week (both having to do with addiction) and an awesome conversation with my therapist on perfectionism and idealistic thinking.
What makes up a flower? Ask yourself.
You have a seed and then you need fresh air, water, soil, sunshine, manure, worms, bugs....etc in order for the flower to grow. A flower is composed of all of these non-flower elements. Remove one and it would no longer be that flower. All the aspects by which a flower comes to be a flower have to be taken into consideration before we can admire the beauty that is said flower. A flower may look perfect and beautiful but it became that way through imperfection. So it really isn't perfect at all. Beautiful, yes. Perfect, no. Ponder that.
This week at work, my girlfriend and I decided we were giving up sugar. I truly believe that consuming lots of sugar in your diet is not good for you, but I also now know that I am not the kind of person that can cut it out completely (stay tuned for details below). It's such a beautiful thing when you open up and share with someone and realize you are not alone. I would have never guessed that my friend struggled with a "sugar addiction" much like I did, and when this happens and you realize you are not alone (which is actually quite often) I am always amazed. I wonder why I ever keep things to myself?? (then my mind quickly tells me that I have to tastefully share my thoughts and feelings because if I were to share everything, I would surely be thought of as insane) But would I really? Or would I help someone in the process of exposing my deepest, darkest secrets and fears? And why do I even care if other people would think of me as insane?
This reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from Alice in Wonderland between Alice and The Mad Hatter.
The Mad Hatter:
Have I gone mad?
Alice:
I'm afraid so, you're entierly bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Amen, Alice. Amen.
You may or may not know that I have had my struggles with substance abuse. It's true, I have. Which brings me to the second event of the week that sparked this blog; discussing addiction with co-workers in the lunch room. Scary. When I share the information with people at work that I identify myself as an addict (which is not very often at all) they are shocked and try to explain/justify my problems and addiction to me. Which is interesting. Just because I don't "look" like a "typical" addict (what does that even mean?) and I didn't lose anything external during my partying days, I didn't actually have a problem. Really?? I do identify myself as an addict and I am okay with that today. I held a lot of shame around it for a very long time. By the Grace of God, I have been a RECOVERING addict for a few years now and because of this lifestyle change I am constantly learning new things about myself, about other people and about addiction in general. Addiction to me, is a disease of the mind. It can manifest itself in many ways, but essentially it is anything that robs me of balance and takes me away from the natural flow of life. It is also something that will never go away. In my opinion, you are never fully recovered, you are, however, ALWAYS RECOVERING. I am always recovering.
The biggest challenge that I have always faced in my life is around acceptance. Which ties all of this together, addiction, restriction, the constant struggle to be perfect, it all stems from the fact that I have NEVER fully accepted myself. And I still don't. There. I said it. My low self-esteem and lack of self love kept me hating myself and in the grips of addiction for many years, it was a miserable existence to say the least. Now, having stepped away from substance abuse and leading a clean and sober life, my lack of self acceptance has created different addictions, sugar/food addiction, exercise addiction, shopping addiction, the list could go on...
Writing this blog is a step in the direction of the radical self acceptance that I have longed for my entire life. I hold the key to my own happiness, just like all of you reading this hold the key to yours. I don't want to be ashamed of my past anymore, I don't want to be ashamed at all. Ever. As long as I am not harming anyone, including myself, in the process of living my life, what is there really to be ashamed of? Just because I ate 4 pieces of ice cream cake last night, does that make me a bad person? No. Did I binge because I have been restricting sugar? Yes. Did I learn from the experience? Yes. I believe that honest sharing can start to shed some light on the situations we make bad and make them okay! The things we keep a secret and hide from the world only get worse when stuck inside, which perpetuates the cycle of guilt and shame, which will ultimately lead to lack of self acceptance and self love. Admitting my imperfection is the first step to accepting my imperfection and as soon as I accept that I am in fact, not perfect and no one is, radical self acceptance will start to manifest in my life.
What secret can you admint today? Let me or someone else know, you will probably really help someone out by getting honest (and you will definitely help yourself!)
My life is a journey towards love :) and I thank you very, very much for reading this and helping me out!
Love, Kylie
PS: Sometimes I smoke cigarettes. OMG as if I just admitted that. And I am also going to resist the urge to justify it. OMG. Are you judging me? Maybe you are. But that's okay. Because I am no longer judging myself.
Affirmation for today: I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
