I am currently reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert, which I find quite amusing because this book has been recommended to me numerous times over the years by various different people, my running group even lovingly nicknamed me 'eat, pray, love' back in 2013 after I told them all that I don't run with music because I spend the whole time praying and talking to God. My reading this book at this point in my life absolutely affirms my belief that all things happen in God's perfect time. Gilbert's journey of self-discovery completely parallels my life right now (minus some of the details)
I will never forget being introduced to Elizabeth Gilbert's story, it was July of 2010 and I was just getting sober. Life was bleak at best, and I was in need of inspiration. I decided to go to the movies by myself one afternoon to see 'Eat, Pray, Love' on the big screen. A specific line has been embedded in my memory since that day, Julia Roberts, who plays Gilbert in the film is visiting or has visited some of the ruins in ancient Rome, and she makes the observation that "ruin is a gift, in fact ruin is the road to transformation" … WHAT?!! This was exactly what I needed to hear and it was actually the only thing that I heard the whole movie. My life was in shambles at this point in time, my attention span was zero, I had no idea what was up or down and I definitely did not see this pain that I was going through as a gift. As it turns out though, what once seemed like the end of my world, has transformed my life in ways that I never even imagined possible.
Fast forward to exactly 5 years later, it's July 2015 and my life is in a state of disarray AGAIN. I had just decided to leave my secure, well paying job with the federal government, where I had been lucky enough to receive both benefits and a pension for the last 8 years. People often refer to government jobs as "the golden handcuffs" because on paper, you have it made, however in reality, I was miserable. To leave a government job is definitely not viewed as the smartest thing to do by societies standards, so needless to say, this was just a wee bit stressful. I also decided to pack up my apartment and leave suburbia for the first time in my entire life and move to Toronto. Then, to add some extra insanity to all of the terrifying change that was already taking place, one of my closest friends passed away in the midst of it all.
Cue the breakdown.
There is one major difference between the breakdown of 2010 and the breakdown of 2015 and that difference has allowed me and continues to allow me to move through any pain and discomfort with Grace and dignity.
That difference is faith.
In 2010, I had no faith and my suffering was immense as a result. Today, I turn my will and my life over to the care of my Loving God. I don't know who God is, or where He is, or if He is even a He, but it doesn't matter to me … My faith is what keeps me grounded and I can say with confidence that the current state of my life, which could be viewed by many (and sometimes myself) as "ruins" is definitely the road to great transformation.
Elizabeth Gilbert goes on to quote Virginia Woolf in 'Eat, Pray, Love' and what Woolf writes deeply resonates with me...
She wrote "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword" she goes on to explain that on one side of the sword, there lies convention and tradition and order, where "all is correct" but on the other side of the sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows regular course" Woolf's argument was that the crossing of the shadow of the sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman (or man) Woolf wrote this about a woman, however the same came be applied to any man.
Of course by choosing to "cross the shadow of the sword" there will be confusion and lots of risk but that's what makes my heart beat fast. It's wildly exciting not to know exactly what's going to happen next.
Confusion, risk and excitement.
All three exist when we choose to step out of our comfort zone and take the road less travelled and that is the whole point of my writing today, to assure you (and me) that despite being in the midst of some confusion, as long as we keep the faith and remain open, the transformation will take place.
The transformation IS taking place.
Life happens on the other side of your comfort zone.
Faith is trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.
Here's to having faith in the unknown.
Love & light,
Kylie
Friday 20 November 2015
Wednesday 4 November 2015
The struggle is real.
The title of this post says it all: the struggle is real, my friends.
It has been 3 months since my dearest, darlingest Rob passed away … 3 months today. I was saying to Martina earlier this morning on our run that I just CANNOT believe that it has only been 3 months. I cannot. It feels like an eternity to me.
Minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days … it's so cliche, however in the moments when the grief overwhelms me and I feel like my loneliness and pain might kill me … time slows down.
This is neither a good or a bad thing and the amount of time since he's been gone is really irrelevant … the fact of the matter will always remain the same, he is gone and I miss him.
A comment from a friend on my Facebook today suggested that I write about Rob for anyone else who may be going through the same thing and although I have been writing, I thought it actually would be a good idea today, given the fact that it's been a quarter of a year … and my mood has been especially lonely.
I am so grateful that intellectually I KNOW that my feeling are not going to kill me. First things first, you are not your emotions. Our emotions come up to teach us a lesson that needs to be learned, not to rule us.
Once I can separate myself from (in todays case) the loneliness, I invite it in. I ask God what I am meant to learn from this and to help me through the feelings I am having. (If the word God trips you out, ask whatever you believe in, your highest self, the angels, your soul … whatever, it doesn't matter, I ask God) Inviting God into my life through prayer and meditation on a daily basis is as important as breathing. ESPECIALLY during times of emotional turmoil.
Try this simple prayer/request for guidance from A Course In Miracles:
"What would You have me do?
Where would You have me go?
What would You have me say, and to whom?"
After I invite God in and pray my ass off … I usually start to feel better. I then find a healing activity to take part in. Usually for me that's some form of movement, it could be a run, a walk or yoga … it could also be a trip to my local coffee shop to read the paper - reading the paper is a brand new hobby of mine that's proving to be quite invigorating :) it could also be getting my butt to the beach so I can be near the water, I find water to be particularly healing … I could go on … but I won't. I know what activities soothe me, and you know what activities soothe you, pick one and go forth.
If you don't have the luxury of being unemployed like I do and the overwhelm hits you mid-work day, you will be amazed at the power of going to the washroom, locking yourself in a stall and taking 5 long, deep breaths. In my experience this has been like a re-set button to get through the rest of the day.
The fact of the matter is, nothing is going to bring Rob back to me … AND I am still here, sooo I need to be willing to do whatever I can to live peacefully. Some days, I curse this fact. Other days, I am grateful. Whether I'm experiencing a bout of suicidal rage, or a day full of blissful joy … it is absolutely crucial that I do not identify with either. The ups and downs are going to come and go. Equally as important as knowing you are not your sadness, is knowing you are not your joy.
I have experienced a full week of being relatively pain free, to the point that I thought I was "over it" … I got myself so high from believing that I had made it through the grief that when the grief hit me again, it was like being thrown off a cliff and then run over by a bus. It was 10x harder to recover from that because I allowed myself to believe it was over.
It will never be over and that has to be okay, otherwise I'm in for a whole lot of suffering.
This poem by Rumi sums up what I am trying to say, in a much more eloquent fashion…
The Guest House
-Rumi
PS: Help others. It helps.
It has been 3 months since my dearest, darlingest Rob passed away … 3 months today. I was saying to Martina earlier this morning on our run that I just CANNOT believe that it has only been 3 months. I cannot. It feels like an eternity to me.
Minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days … it's so cliche, however in the moments when the grief overwhelms me and I feel like my loneliness and pain might kill me … time slows down.
This is neither a good or a bad thing and the amount of time since he's been gone is really irrelevant … the fact of the matter will always remain the same, he is gone and I miss him.
A comment from a friend on my Facebook today suggested that I write about Rob for anyone else who may be going through the same thing and although I have been writing, I thought it actually would be a good idea today, given the fact that it's been a quarter of a year … and my mood has been especially lonely.
I am so grateful that intellectually I KNOW that my feeling are not going to kill me. First things first, you are not your emotions. Our emotions come up to teach us a lesson that needs to be learned, not to rule us.
Once I can separate myself from (in todays case) the loneliness, I invite it in. I ask God what I am meant to learn from this and to help me through the feelings I am having. (If the word God trips you out, ask whatever you believe in, your highest self, the angels, your soul … whatever, it doesn't matter, I ask God) Inviting God into my life through prayer and meditation on a daily basis is as important as breathing. ESPECIALLY during times of emotional turmoil.
Try this simple prayer/request for guidance from A Course In Miracles:
"What would You have me do?
Where would You have me go?
What would You have me say, and to whom?"
After I invite God in and pray my ass off … I usually start to feel better. I then find a healing activity to take part in. Usually for me that's some form of movement, it could be a run, a walk or yoga … it could also be a trip to my local coffee shop to read the paper - reading the paper is a brand new hobby of mine that's proving to be quite invigorating :) it could also be getting my butt to the beach so I can be near the water, I find water to be particularly healing … I could go on … but I won't. I know what activities soothe me, and you know what activities soothe you, pick one and go forth.
If you don't have the luxury of being unemployed like I do and the overwhelm hits you mid-work day, you will be amazed at the power of going to the washroom, locking yourself in a stall and taking 5 long, deep breaths. In my experience this has been like a re-set button to get through the rest of the day.
The fact of the matter is, nothing is going to bring Rob back to me … AND I am still here, sooo I need to be willing to do whatever I can to live peacefully. Some days, I curse this fact. Other days, I am grateful. Whether I'm experiencing a bout of suicidal rage, or a day full of blissful joy … it is absolutely crucial that I do not identify with either. The ups and downs are going to come and go. Equally as important as knowing you are not your sadness, is knowing you are not your joy.
I have experienced a full week of being relatively pain free, to the point that I thought I was "over it" … I got myself so high from believing that I had made it through the grief that when the grief hit me again, it was like being thrown off a cliff and then run over by a bus. It was 10x harder to recover from that because I allowed myself to believe it was over.
It will never be over and that has to be okay, otherwise I'm in for a whole lot of suffering.
This poem by Rumi sums up what I am trying to say, in a much more eloquent fashion…
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi
Love & Light,
Kylie
PS: Help others. It helps.
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