I believe that we are all Divinely guided, every situation, emotion or thought that we encounter on a daily basis is being brought to us by the Creator in order to teach us a lesson.
This weekend has been a journey of self discovery, so much so, that I feel compelled to share about it on my blog. I believe the past few weeks have been preparing me for what was to come, looking back, I see it so clearly. A lot of my girls are going through break ups right now and they have been calling on me for my experience, strength and hope in going through mine. There have been many nights spent talking and reminiscing on the events surrounding the end of my relationship and what I have done to move through it with Grace and dignity. I have caught myself numerous times feeling sadness while talking about my break up, but I immediately dismiss it and reaffirm to myself that I am okay.
SO, on Friday night when I unpexectedly bumped into my ex boyfriend and felt a rush of extreme sadness, I was like "what the fuck?? WHY?" We have seen each other a couple of times since we broke up, and I have been FINE, that being said, the two times prior to Fridays enounter I was completely prepared for, I knew I was going to see him so I was able to arm myself with every spiritual tool known to man. This past Friday, he popped up out of nowhere and I was really caught off guard and, like I said, started to experience some major pain. As this is happening, my ego is saying to me "come on you loser, get over it, it's been 10 months, you should not care, you are sooo weak" and my spiritual voice is saying to me "it's okay, you know what to do, just change your thoughts, focus on something positive, stop thinking about him and you can turn this all around" ... as I observed my thoughts, I realized that both of these dominant voices in my head were all wrong, neither thought was what I needed to be telling myself at all!
I am a FIRM believer in positive affirmations and the fact that our thoughts create our reality, and there is 100% always time for affirmations, but what I recognized in this instant was, throughout the duration of my breakup, I had been SO focused on changing my thoughts to positive ones that I was NOT allowing myself to sit with any sort of pain, therefore, I was actually numbing myself out and blocking the feelings I needed to feel. How did I expect that I was "supposed" to be healed after 10 months when I NEVER allowed the pain to surface?
It was a revelation!!
In order to heal, we need to feel. This means we need to GET HONEST with ourselves and stop trying to act like everything is okay.
So for the remainder of the night on Friday and all day and night on Saturday, I cried and cried... I thought about my ex as a person, I thought about our relationship, I remembered the good times and I became present in the extreme pain that I was in, I became present in the hurt and the sadness and the betrayal that I felt surrounding the end of my relationship. And I just sat with it.
I just sat with it. That's it. And I was SO uncomfortable, there were many moments where I wanted to do ANYTHING to get outside of myself, such as eat junk food, e-mail my ex, text other men for validation that I was okay, exercise all day - just to name a few things. But instead, I just sat with it. I sat in silence. I became present with myself in my unhappiness. A vital part of healing that I had yet to allow myself to experience.
I am in no way putting myself down for not allowing myself to feel the pain, I did the best that I could with what I had, as I know we ALL do in times of heartache. I am so grateful that God saw fit to put my ex in my life on Friday night as it allowed me to really embrace the pain and not try to change it. Although initially, I was so upset and wondering why I had to see him, now I understand that God knew why. God knew that it was high time that I become present in my unhappiness, I needed this in order to further heal.
Waking up today, on Sunday morning, my world feels like a new place and I feel like a new person. I not only believe that I am being Divinely guided. I have a deep sense of knowing that God is here with me and I am SO grateful.
If you are dealing with any unhappiness today, can you allow yourself to become present with it? We need to feel our pain in order to move through it and heal it. And we are ALL strong enough to do this.
How can you deeply and completely love and accept of yourself today? I learned, through the course of this weekend that it is perfectly okay for me to still be hurt. Matters of the heart take time to heal, and I no longer need to pretend that I am never sad.
The truth is, I am happier than I've ever been in my life today, but that doesn't mean that sadness can't creep in, and instead of shaming myself for that, I choose to embrace it! I know that today, because of my daily spiritual practices, that I am being guided and God does not lead me to any situation that I am not capable of being in.
Here's to finding strength in our unhappiness.
Sending love & light on this beautiful, snowy Sunday.
Love, Kylie
xo
