I needed to write this.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind"

- Dr. Seuss 

I am so grateful for my true friends, for the ones that allow me to express myself without judgment. It is through the unconditional love and support of a select few that I have been given the courage to write about something that has been bothering me and unfortunately, something that I have allowed to silence me. 

One of the things I admired most about Rob was his ability to do whatever he wanted, say whatever he wanted and post whatever he wanted. He did all of this without allowing anyones criticism (including my own) to stop him. It may have hurt his feelings, in fact, I know that it did but it certainly did not stop him. Rob was who he was and whether or not you loved him or hated him, it wasn't going to change him… I loved him. 

For someone like me who can identify with being a "people pleaser", which can be defined as: someone who is always nice, helpful and a basic moral support for just about anyone; people pleasers often suppress their own needs in order to please or satisfy the needs of others. (Yikes!)

After reading the above you can perhaps understand that the act of not caring what other people think is a terribly difficult task. Almost unnatural to a people pleaser. I would go as far as to say it's one of the most uncomfortable feelings for me to do something or say something when I know that people have formed negative opinions about me, are judging me or don't think what I am doing is cool.

I have learned to authentically express myself over the last few years, as a direct result of loving myself more, which is amazing. That being said, I am usually met with praise and acceptance and it's easy to express yourself when people are supportive and when they love what you're doing. It's when I am met with a lack of acceptance that I have been known to stop saying how I feel, even if it goes against my truth, because I don't want to upset anyone else and I want everyone to like me.

This is not okay.

When I gather up the information that I have learned thus far in my life, I do believe without a shadow of a doubt that nothing anyone else does is ever about me. In fact, it's the Second Agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz's book, "The Four Agreements" - Don't take anything personally.

"Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world…"

He goes on to say … 

"Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds about themselves" 

Yes!! It's not about me! It's not about you! Nothing anyone does is ever about you!

With that knowledge, comes power and I am ready to take my power back. I need to respectfully be who I am, without fear. 

As stated above, my true friends have given me the strength to write this blog, Rob being one of them. By them authentically expressing their truth, I have the courage to do the same. I honour myself and each and every one of you by expressing what I truly feel and who I am. And who I am, in part, is someone that misses Rob every single day. At the beginning of every month, I am reminded that at this time in August, we were about to lose him. It hurts me to my core. I don't need to dwell in that place of pain, however I don't need to silence that pain either. 

Like Dr. Seuss says, those who matter, don't mind. 

My hope and prayer for myself and for all of us is that the next time we go to form a judgment about someone or about a certain situation, stop. Take a breath. Perhaps ask yourself why you are tempted to form an opinion about someone else and their life? What is going on inside of you at the very moment you're tempted to judge someone else? And remember, you are no better or no worse than anyone else. We are all human, therefore we are all one. I know I will continue to practice this in my life. I am by no means perfect, but I will continue to do the best that I can with what I have, especially now that I've been reminded how much it hurts to be judged. 

Thank you for reading this and allowing me to express myself :)

Here's to being authentically you!

Is there something you've been holding onto? Something you haven't been doing or saying for fear of what other people will think? Reach out to me, I know how you feel. 

Love & light,

Kylie 

Eat, Pray, Love.

I am currently reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert, which I find quite amusing because this book has been recommended to me numerous times over the years by various different people, my running group even lovingly nicknamed me 'eat, pray, love' back in 2013 after I told them all that I don't run with music because I spend the whole time praying and talking to God. My reading this book at this point in my life absolutely affirms my belief that all things happen in God's perfect time. Gilbert's journey of self-discovery completely parallels my life right now (minus some of the details)

I will never forget being introduced to Elizabeth Gilbert's story, it was July of 2010 and I was just getting sober. Life was bleak at best, and I was in need of inspiration. I decided to go to the movies by myself one afternoon to see 'Eat, Pray, Love' on the big screen. A specific line has been embedded in my memory since that day, Julia Roberts, who plays Gilbert in the film is visiting or has visited some of the ruins in ancient Rome, and she makes the observation that "ruin is a gift, in fact ruin is the road to transformation" … WHAT?!! This was exactly what I needed to hear and it was actually the only thing that I heard the whole movie. My life was in shambles at this point in time, my attention span was zero, I had no idea what was up or down and I definitely did not see this pain that I was going through as a gift. As it turns out though, what once seemed like the end of my world, has transformed my life in ways that I never even imagined possible.

Fast forward to exactly 5 years later, it's July 2015 and my life is in a state of disarray AGAIN. I had just decided to leave my secure, well paying job with the federal government, where I had been lucky enough to receive both benefits and a pension for the last 8 years. People often refer to government jobs as "the golden handcuffs" because on paper, you have it made, however in reality, I was miserable. To leave a government job is definitely not viewed as the smartest thing to do by societies standards, so needless to say, this was just a wee bit stressful. I also decided to pack up my apartment and leave suburbia for the first time in my entire life and move to Toronto. Then, to add some extra insanity to all of the terrifying change that was already taking place, one of my closest friends passed away in the midst of it all.

Cue the breakdown.

There is one major difference between the breakdown of 2010 and the breakdown of 2015 and that difference has allowed me and continues to allow me to move through any pain and discomfort with Grace and dignity.

That difference is faith.

In 2010, I had no faith and my suffering was immense as a result. Today, I turn my will and my life over to the care of my Loving God. I don't know who God is, or where He is, or if He is even a He, but it doesn't matter to me … My faith is what keeps me grounded and I can say with confidence that the current state of my life, which could be viewed by many (and sometimes myself) as "ruins" is definitely the road to great transformation.

Elizabeth Gilbert goes on to quote Virginia Woolf in 'Eat, Pray, Love' and what Woolf writes deeply resonates with me...

She wrote "Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword" she goes on to explain that on one side of the sword, there lies convention and tradition and order, where "all is correct" but on the other side of the sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "all is confusion. Nothing follows regular course" Woolf's argument was that the crossing of the shadow of the sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman (or man) Woolf wrote this about a woman, however the same came be applied to any man.

Of course by choosing to "cross the shadow of the sword" there will be confusion and lots of risk but that's what makes my heart beat fast. It's wildly exciting not to know exactly what's going to happen next.

Confusion, risk and excitement.

All three exist when we choose to step out of our comfort zone and take the road less travelled and that is the whole point of my writing today, to assure you (and me) that despite being in the midst of some confusion, as long as we keep the faith and remain open, the transformation will take place.

The transformation IS taking place.

Life happens on the other side of your comfort zone.

Faith is trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.

Here's to having faith in the unknown.

Love & light,

Kylie

The struggle is real.

The title of this post says it all: the struggle is real, my friends.

It has been 3 months since my dearest, darlingest Rob passed away … 3 months today. I was saying to Martina earlier this morning on our run that I just CANNOT believe that it has only been 3 months. I cannot. It feels like an eternity to me.

Minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days … it's so cliche, however in the moments when the grief overwhelms me and I feel like my loneliness and pain might kill me … time slows down. 

This is neither a good or a bad thing and the amount of time since he's been gone is really irrelevant … the fact of the matter will always remain the same, he is gone and I miss him.

A comment from a friend on my Facebook today suggested that I write about Rob for anyone else who may be going through the same thing and although I have been writing, I thought it actually would be a good idea today, given the fact that it's been a quarter of a year … and my mood has been especially lonely. 

I am so grateful that intellectually I KNOW that my feeling are not going to kill me. First things first, you are not your emotions. Our emotions come up to teach us a lesson that needs to be learned, not to rule us. 

Once I can separate myself from (in todays case) the loneliness, I invite it in. I ask God what I am meant to learn from this and to help me through the feelings I am having. (If the word God trips you out, ask whatever you believe in, your highest self, the angels, your soul … whatever, it doesn't matter, I ask God) Inviting God into my life through prayer and meditation on a daily basis is as important as breathing. ESPECIALLY during times of emotional turmoil. 

Try this simple prayer/request for guidance from A Course In Miracles:

"What would You have me do?
Where would You have me go? 
What would You have me say, and to whom?"

After I invite God in and pray my ass off … I usually start to feel better. I then find a healing activity to take part in. Usually for me that's some form of movement, it could be a run, a walk or yoga … it could also be a trip to my local coffee shop to read the paper - reading the paper is a brand new hobby of mine that's proving to be quite invigorating :) it could also be getting my butt to the beach so I can be near the water, I find water to be particularly healing … I could go on … but I won't. I know what activities soothe me, and you know what activities soothe you, pick one and go forth. 

If you don't have the luxury of being unemployed like I do and the overwhelm hits you mid-work day, you will be amazed at the power of going to the washroom, locking yourself in a stall and taking 5 long, deep breaths. In my experience this has been like a re-set button to get through the rest of the day.

The fact of the matter is, nothing is going to bring Rob back to me … AND I am still here, sooo I need to be willing to do whatever I can to live peacefully. Some days, I curse this fact. Other days, I am grateful. Whether I'm experiencing a bout of suicidal rage, or a day full of blissful joy … it is absolutely crucial that I do not identify with either. The ups and downs are going to come and go. Equally as important as knowing you are not your sadness, is knowing you are not your joy. 

I have experienced a full week of being relatively pain free, to the point that I thought I was "over it" … I got myself so high from believing that I had made it through the grief that when the grief hit me again, it was like being thrown off a cliff and then run over by a bus. It was 10x harder to recover from that because I allowed myself to believe it was over. 

It will never be over and that has to be okay, otherwise I'm in for a whole lot of suffering. 

This poem by Rumi sums up what I am trying to say, in a much more eloquent fashion… 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

Love & Light,

Kylie

PS: Help others. It helps. 

Coffee and gratitude.

I believe that happiness is a choice. However, it is much more complicated than just intellectually choosing to be happy every day, ESPECIALLY during times when you have every reason to be fucking miserable.

That being said, what it boils down to is action.

We have to act our way into right thinking. 

What does that mean, you ask? Let me share my experience :)

If I want to BE happy, I must BE grateful.

TO BE a certain way, I have to DO certain things. 

Gratitude is defined as:

"the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness."

THE READINESS TO SHOW APPRECIATION FOR AND TO RETURN KINDNESS.

YES! That's gold (side note: so happy I looked up the definition of gratitude)

I am a big fan of gratitude lists … however, a gratitude list without action is not going to help you.

Here is my gratitude list for today, coupled with the actions that I have taken to embody the feelings of happiness and genuine gratitude.

I am grateful for my family and friends, so today I made the effort to connect with them. I did not isolate. 

I am grateful for my healthy body, so today I am taking care of my body by nourishing myself with healthy food that heals me. I am drinking lots of water to remain hydrated and I MOVED my body by running and practising yoga. 

I am grateful for my peace of mind, so I prayed and meditated today. I have also been sharing openly and honestly over the last couple of days with the people in my life that I trust. Darkness melts away when it is exposed to the light. 

I am grateful that I can share my experience, strength and hope to (hopefully) inspire others. I am showing my gratitude for my ability to share by writing this blog post.

Today I AM grateful. And it is a direct result of DOING everything in my power to show gratitude for the blessings in my life.

Of course there is pain but that pain does not have to hijack my life. Sometimes it does, and that is okay, we are only human. However, with the proper tools in place, we can remain peaceful through dark times.

What are you grateful for today? and more importantly, how can you SHOW your gratitude?

Do it up!

Thank you for reading this, you are part of my healing. 

Love, Kylie 

Move Beyond You

I read an article on Huffington Post a couple of days ago about a guy named Ben. Ben has lost over 100 pounds by walking around the city (amazing!!) He has now started a movement, that he has tagged #MoveBeyondYou - where he calls all athletes: runners, walkers and bikers to use our physical movement, not only to better ourselves, our bodies and our health but for social change as well. His story inspired me as I wholeheartedly believe in the magic of kindness. I immediately knew this was something I had to take part in.

For Ben's full story, click here: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/10/06/weight-lost_n_8252336.html

As a result of the above noted, I spent the day walking around our great city handing out sandwiches to anyone who wanted/needed one.

I write this post not for praise or acknowledgment, but to share my experience and hopefully inspire others.

Here are some of the stories of the beautiful people that I was fortunate enough to speak with on my 15km jaunt around the city today.

Sue. Sue was sitting in front of Yonge and Dundas Square with a sign that read "Raised 3 kids on my own, depression and anxiety issues prevent me from working, welfare pays the rent, clean and sober, anything helps" … I actually saw Sue last weekend when I was working at Yonge and Dundas Square but didn't have a chance to talk to her, so I was overjoyed to see her again. Her sign really intrigued me and I wanted to know her story. I found out that Sue has 2 sons and 1 daughter, who are all grown up and live in Toronto. She raised them on her own after leaving her abusive husband and is quite proud of herself (as she should be!) She has been sober for 15 years, another accomplishment that had her beaming with pride. She was very happy to chat with me and told me that some days are better than others on the streets, however, she is just grateful that she finally found an apartment. It took her 3 years to find someone who would actually rent to her. She spent a lot of her life in shelters around the city with her children. I asked Sue what she does when she is really struggling and times get tough, she told me that she reads and also carries her sudoku puzzles with her everywhere she goes, it's her form of meditation. She also takes note of the beauty that is around her at all times. I am so grateful for the beauty that Sue brought into my life today.

William. He was sitting in front of the Eatons Centre, wearing a Toronto Blue Jays jersey and a Toronto Blue Jays hat! He shared with me that he is living at the Salvation Army shelter and is unable to work due to his toes being amputated as a result of diabetes. He was wearing a cast on his foot and told me he couldn't walk around very much. His parents live in Texas and he went to visit them 2 years ago, he misses them a lot. He is from a family of 10 kids and when I asked him if he talks to his brothers and sisters he told me that sometimes he does. He was so happy to chat with me and I with him.

Harry, Bear and Darryl. I was hesitant to go up to these guys at first because they looked kind of rough but when I finally did, I saw how harmless they actually were. They reminded me of the 3 stooges. They were play fighting and joking around with each other sitting in the walkway beside the restaurant JOEY downtown. It seemed like a weird spot for them to be sitting but I found out that they were sitting there so they could watch the Jays game on TV. Sure enough, I looked inside the restaurant and they had a perfect view of the TV. They were drinking beers and happily accepted sandwiches for their lunch, they were all very grateful. They asked me a lot of questions, why I was doing this was the first… I told them that I always received a lot of help when I needed it, and then I shared with them a bit about my struggles with addiction. They were in shock. This opened up a huge conversation about addiction and I ended up spending about 30 minutes with these guys. All 3 of them are amazing men.

Peter. A man who very clearly struggles with mental illness and alcoholism combined. He lives at the Seaton House and has for the past 13 years!! He told me that he worked for Toronto Hydro in the 1970's, he then got injured and has never worked a day since. He shared with me that his fiancé died 2 weeks before their wedding 16 years ago. I asked him if he still missed her and he said he does, I asked him if he ever talked to her up in heaven and he said he prays to her all the time. He told me he was truly happy then, so I asked him if he was happy now … he looked at me straight in the eyes with his big blue eyes and said: I love. 

His message was very clear to me, love is the answer. 

I am forever grateful.

If you want to experience unadulterated joy, do for others without expecting anything in return. 

Until next time …

#MoveBeyondYou

Honour your anger

When you're on a path of spiritual growth and enlightenment, you start to have all sorts of new awarenesses. Sometimes these are welcomed awarenesses and sometimes I catch myself thinking that ignorance really is bliss - HAH!

Having a heightened awareness of my feelings and being mindful of them is a whole new world for me. I am used to using anything and everything to escape. So sitting with my feelings is quite the treat! 

I find I struggle the most with anger...

Growing up, I always believed that I never got angry. I am a highly sensitive soul and I often mistook my anger for sadness. Instead of experiencing what I was really feeling (anger/disappointment) I always thought that I was sad … so I would just feel sorry for myself without ever experiencing my true feelings. 

Today I understand that sometimes I get angry and that anger and sadness are definitely linked for me. However, I still find it difficult to accept the anger part (and I want to default to sadness) because I hold the belief that if I am angry, I am being mean. Can anyone relate?

It is especially uncomfortable because it often involves someone else, and I don't like to feel anything but love towards others (again, I don't want to feel mean)

This is not realistic though because people suck. And we do shitty things. And we are selfish and self-seeking, often at the expense of one another. 

When someone behaves in a way that is selfish and self-seeking, it hurts and I feel angry. And it also can leave me feeling less than. 

I don't want anyone to ever know that they hurt my feelings - however, my feelings get hurt, all. the. time. So there you have it.

I believe the solution to move through your feelings with Grace and dignity is honestly sharing them with someone else. It doesn't necessarily have to be to the person that hurt you or made you angry, it can be anyone you choose, as long as you aren't keeping the feelings to yourself. 

It is also important to recognize the times that we, ourselves, have behaved in the same manner as whoever hurt us. This allows us to cultivate compassion for the person and their actions, and to have a better understanding of where they are coming from AND it helps us to understand that nothing anyone else does is ever about us. It is always about them. 

Think of a time you behaved in a way that hurt someone or made someone angry … what was going on for you in that moment?

Allowing yourself to have compassion for the person who hurt you is a good thing, because we can then have more compassion for ourselves as we experience the hurt/when we cause the hurt. This doesn't take away the pain, and it definitely doesn't take away the anger, but it helps to understand that we are all one. And we are all capable of behaving in ways that are less than stellar! 

I would advise you to go ahead and feel this shit now! Express yourself!! Just don't lash out.

Honouring yourself means behaving in ways that align with your morals and values.

Just because I feel anger, doesn't mean I have the right to spread that anger around… it just means I must acknowledge my feelings for exactly what they are in order to move forward.

Once I have acknowledged my feelings, I can then look at MY PART in the situation and this opens me up to the lesson :)

Life is one big learning experience :)

Thanks for reading this and helping me to move through my anger and disappointment.

You guys rule.

After writing this, my anger has pretty much lifted, the feelings of disappointment are still lingering, however, I am positive by sitting with them and speaking about it, I will let that go too!

It works if you work it!! 

Hallelujah!

Love, Kylie

xx

Wild

Sitting here in the window of my local coffee shop writing this blog, I realized that it is just one day shy of a month since my beloved Rob left this earth and I am still here. I am sipping my double americano, watching four retired gentlemen catch up over their morning coffee and I find myself experiencing an overwhelming sense of joy in this moment.

Years ago, my life right now would have terrified me. I don't have a full time job, I don't have a lot of money, I lost one of my best friends and I never know what I am going to do with myself on any given day. I have no structure and by the standards of our society, and what I used to believe, this is definitely all wrong, yet I find myself trusting the process entirely, with my whole heart. I am completely content. 

This moment is absolutely all that we have, and it is all that I want. In each moment, we choose happiness or we don't. We choose whether we recognize the beauty that is all around us, in the every day, simple, even meaningless things or we don't. I believe that everything is woven together in a perfectly laid out plan created by God and with that belief, I allow myself to experience joy.

The last couple of months have been crazy, this last one in particular has been the most difficult of my life, losing someone that I love so deeply is something that I would have never chosen for myself, however, it happened, and I am in awe of my ability to handle it. I am learning with each day that passes, that I can bare the unbearable. WE can bare the unbearable. As human beings we are resilient, we have the ability to overcome the most painful situations with ease IF WE ALLOW ourselves to. 

I believe it is in the allowing that we can actually live. It is in the letting go that we can experience life for what it is actually all about; the moment. 

In letting go, we actually take our power back. In loosening the grip we have on people, places and things and our innate need to control, we can give ourselves the room we need to breathe and actually experience the joy that is all around us.

This in no way means that we don't have goals, or plans, or dreams … of course we do, the Bible teaches us that "Faith without works is dead" and I absolutely agree. However, in my humble opinion, we need to shift the focus away from the striving, the controlling and the getting, and put more emphasis on our faith. Because it is with that faith that we can gracefully work hand in hand with God to create the lives that we have always dreamed of and it is ONLY with that faith that I am personally able to survive and find meaning in the suffering. 

Death taught me, without a shadow of a doubt that I have no control over anything other than the way I choose to act. Death is teaching me how to be a better person, how to not take people, places, things and moments for granted. 

Death has taught me to let go, to trust.

Letting go of my career, letting go of my apartment, letting go of my friend… 

Death teaches us how to live.

I was watching the movie 'WILD' yesterday and what Cheryl says at the end of her journey across the Pacific Coast Trail really hit me … 

"How wild it was, to just let it be"

Amen.

How can you practice letting go today?

My knight in shining armour.

There are really no words to describe the pain of losing someone you love.

There is nothing anyone can do or say to make you feel better, because nothing will bring them back.

All you can do is keep breathing and do your best to cultivate some sort of trust in the process.

I am writing this in the hope that I will draw some courage from the voice of my inner guide, and perhaps instil some hope in those that I love as well.

Today I read something very interesting. I can't quote it as I don't have the book in front of me, however I want to try and articulate what I took from the passage and how I intend to apply this in my life moving forward.

The book is entitled "Angel Card Therapy" or something along those lines by Doreen Virtue. I've never read this book, in fact, I don't even know how it made it's way into my apartment but as I was packing today and going through my books, there it was. I do believe this was a Divine intervention as I was REALLY struggling at that moment trying to understand HOW I was going to get through this pain.

The chapter that I flipped to was on deceased loved ones and how to cope with death. I read that our deceased loved ones are up in heaven and they have the potential to be our spirit guides (yay!) it said that they are of perfect physical and emotional well being when they cross over, HOWEVER, the only thing that can hold them back from reaching their highest potential is - us.

What?!!

Doreen Virtue states that our unrelenting grief and mourning over the loss of our loved one can actually block their spiritual growth and that the greatest gift we can give to someone who has passed away is to do whatever it takes to heal OUR hearts.

I will be honest, I am in a place right now where healing seems so far away. I feel like I will feel this intense sadness forever, but I do experience a bit of relief when I think about giving Rob the gift of healing my heart so he can grow to his highest potential in heaven.

It is my firm belief that we must honour our feelings and not run from them or mask them. Losing someone we love requires time, it also requires patience, compassion, care and support from those around us and for ourselves. It is normal to grieve for weeks and months, the process will look different for everyone and that's okay, however we do have to live for the living and try and find joy in our day, even if it's fleeting. The hole in my heart is real and it's raw but I can CHOOSE to use my grief for the greater good … and that is what I believe Rob would want me to do.

I can use this loss to better my life.

I can learn from Rob's experience.

I can use this pain to become kinder to those around me.

I can fill this hole in my heart by extending more love to the people in my life and thus receiving that love in return.

I will not let Rob's death be in vain.

I refuse to let his death be in vain.

Although nothing can bring him back and my life will never be the same, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have the opportunity to learn and grow from this terrible tragedy.

I can honour Rob every single day with the choices I make.

I can continue to love him by opening my heart when I am so tempted to close it.

On a very personal note, it's ironic that during our relationship here on earth I was often under the impression that I was saving him, when he was actually the one saving me all along.

Fall in love with your journey

I don't even know what to write (I feel like I start a lot of blogs like this) I just promised myself I would write a post today so we'll see what happens. I trust that if I am honest, something will come of it.

I don't write because I am forever telling myself I have nothing to share (you've heard this before) and most recently that because things are really mixed up right now, I don't have a clear message. Whether or not any of that is true, there is one thing that I know for sure and that is: I need to get out of my own way, so here I go ...

As you may or may not know, I am going through a lot lately and to be honest, I am really struggling. The fact that I am struggling is something that the perfectionist in me does not EVER want to admit, however, acceptance is the key to self-love, so here we are. Struggling.  

I am currently taking Heather Waxman's online course called 'Dig Deeper, Fly Higher', which could not have come at a better time (naturally!) It's SO AMAZING!! Shout out to Heather and all the girls :) I love you ladies!! Something I heard in the first module has been saving me on the regular and that is, "when you fall in love with the journey, the destination becomes irrelevant" … I thank God for this course every single day because the 'soul work' and meditations are keeping me grounded in the present moment and allowing me to move through the uncertainty that I am experiencing with Grace and ease. 

The simple fact that I am able to move through fear and uncertainty with Grace and ease blows my mind. It was not long ago that such uncertainty would have completely thrown me off and given me an excuse to sit in self-pity, unable to do anything. I am able to see today that although the struggle is very real, and very painful, it is also my greatest gift. 

Living my life as though each moment is a gift and experiencing the awe and wonder of it all allows me to let go of the resistance that my fear based thinking wants me to live in. By letting go of that resistance and fear I free myself to move into a place of acceptance. It is only when we accept things exactly as they are that we can do anything about them anyway, so acceptance really is the answer to all of my "problems".

Eckhart Tolle defines fear as "a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment" …

Marinate on that. 

Fear is a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment. 

Pure gold.

I don't know about you but I don't want to be in a dysfunctional relationship with this moment, so grounding myself and reminding myself that right here and now all is well is the key. I am then (now) in a place of acceptance and I can choose to be curious, rather than judgmental about what's going on, allowing each moment, each person and each situation to be my teacher.

A Course In Miracles teaches us that every encounter is a Holy encounter. I believe in this with all my heart. God presents me with exactly who and what I need to learn and grow in each moment, my job is to be open-minded enough to learn the lessons.

That's it, that's all.

Stay present. Stay open-minded. Stay willing.

Fall in love with this moment. For this moment is all we really have.

In loving gratitude,

Kylie 

We are called to be the Light.

"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most" - Buddha

I love calling on the above noted wisdom from Buddha, it really simplifies things for me. Each morning, we are given a fresh start, a new day, a clean slate. It is up to us what we are going to do with it. The end. (Ok, not really the end...)

Easter has come and gone and I had a beautiful holiday weekend spent with friends and family, celebrating the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

No matter what you choose to believe in, I believe we can all learn from Jesus' teachings. His words and His actions, to me, are some of the most power examples of unconditional love, forgivness and acceptance.

At church on Sunday morning, my Pastor shared the most beautiful sermon. He said, much like Buddha, that every morning, we are given the opportunity to leave the "tomb" and walk in the Light with Jesus.

And again, if you don't believe in Jesus, you don't have to walk with Him... you can walk in the Light with whomever or whatever you choose :)

This got me thinking ...

When we go to sleep at night, we essentially "die" to that day, we cannot change a single thing that happened, we cannot undo anything we said or did, we must leave yesterday behind. It is truly a blessing and a miracle to wake up again with a fresh start. A blessing and a miracle that can too often be taken for granted.

Here are some ways in which I shift my energy if ever I wake up and I'm tempted to get stuck in negativity. Pick one and start applying it to your morning routine, I would love to hear what happens!!

First and foremost, gratitude is your best friend!! I find it very helpful to Thank God in the morning for waking me up and for allowing me to have a beautiful sleep in my cozy bed. I do this before I even open my eyes in the morning. It immediately sets the tone for my day :)

When I get up and get moving, I start chatting with God right away, just like I would my best friend :) My ego mind/fear based thinking definitely tries to creep in from time to time by telling me that I am tired, that I wish I could go back to sleep, that I don't want to go to work, etc, etc, etc ... whatever the negative chatter is for you, I encourage you to conciously shift those thoughts in the morning to Loving, positive thoughts. Ask God to help you with this if need be. The morning is the most important time to set your intention for the day ... actively changing your thoughts (if they tend to be negative), is key to getting off on the right foot!

Smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you Love yourself, while gazing deeply into your eyes. Seriosuly. Do this. You may feel ridiculous at first (I did!), but stick with it! It will change your life.

Keep smiling :) I am smiling right now. At my computer screen. As I write this. Smile all day!

No matter what happens throughout the day, it is important to remember that you can re-start your day at any moment, if you find that you've gotten irritated and are tempted to stay stuck in that low-vibe energy, you always have a choice to shift. Honour the irritation, learn from it and move on.

I will leave you with this, from the genuis that is Dr. Wayne Dyer;

"Raise yourself to the level of energy where you are the light you seek, where you are the happiness you desire, where you are the love you feel is missing, where you are the unlimited abundance you crave"

And for all of you who think Jesus is super cool, remember those bracelets that were sweeping the nation back in the 90's? W.W.J.D? I think those should make a comback ... when in doubt, just ask yourself.... how would Jesus (or your version of a Higher Power) show up to the situation? And then go do that.

Love & LIGHT,

Kylie

What to do when someone breaks your trust.

I want to write about trust today. Trust can be defined as the; "belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc"  I believe that we are all inherently good, honest, reliable and effective which is why I trust everyone (okay, most people) until I am given a reason not to.

When someone breaks your trust, it sucks and it really hurts (obvi) so what can you do to move through the pain without getting caught up in it and allowing it to dictate your mood? I know we have all had our trust broken at one point or another, and I ALSO know that we have all broken someone elses trust at one point or another. So instead of going bat shit crazy and raging on the other person, I thought I would outline the steps that I take in order to keep my side of the street clean and keep the Love in my heart.

First and foremost, forgive them. Immediately (or as soon as humanly possible) For me, this often takes 12-24 hours. Understand that nothing anyone else does is personal against you, EVER. I KNOW that when I am gossiping about somebody else, it is because something is not right within ME. That's it. It has nothing to do with the other person. We are all human, and we are all capable of this behaviour, so remember that the other person is you. We must extend the same forgivness and compassion that we would extend to ourselves / want others to extend to us. Forgivness is your best fucking friend, always.

Seconly, shift your perception from "why did they do this?" to "what are they trying to teach me?" Our job is to determine what the people in our lives are trying to teach us. When I do this, I am far less annoyed and bothered by other peoples actions and imperfections. I trust GOD enough to believe that He is orchestrating each and every situation in my life for my greatest good and with that belief I can move forward with peace in my heart.

Next, get honest with yourself. What is your part in the situation? Remember that you are powerless over people, places and things, the only thing we truly have power over is how we respond to the situations in our lives. Do you need to make something right? Do you need to own up to your actions? If so, do that. Keep the focus on yourself.

And last but certainly not least, set your boundaries. Once you have moved through the first 3 steps, it is time to decide whether or not you want said person/people who betrayed your trust in your life. If the answer is no, it's time to Lovingly detach. Trust that the people who are meant to be in your life will always be there, and sometimes we need to let go of someone to allow someone else in. I would suggest praying and meditating on the situation in order to become very clear, you don't want to make a rash decision because you're upset. Letting people go is one of the hardest things to do, even when the relationship is unhealthy... this is where trusting yourself comes into play and I deepen that trust through prayer and meditation.

Amp up that spiritual practice, lovers ... pray for the ones that are currently making the choice to live in gossip and drama and thank God that it isn't you - just for today.

My favourite lesson of all from A Course In Miracles is one that helps me not to lose my shit on the regular and I'm calling on it and the above noted steps now - "in my defenselessness, my safety lies" Marinate on that.

In my defenselessness, my safety lies.

It's good, eh?

Here's to peace, love & unconditional acceptance.

Love, Kylie

xx

Co-create with God.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman

What makes YOU come alive?

Over the last several weeks at church, we have been excamining Brené Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection", this book is amazing, a total must read!! Yesterday the sermon that Rev. Hawkes gave was on cultivating successful work. He said that according to Brown, in order to live a wholehearted life, the work that you do must bring you joy. Now, before you freak out because you hate your job, this doesn't necessarily have to relate to the work that you do in order to pay the bills, although it absolutely can (and I pray that it does) this just means that in some area of your life, you must trust yourself enough to follow your heart and do what makes you happy.

We all have those things. Think about it. What do you absolutely LOVE to do? I believe that God has blessed us all with individual gifts and talents and it is our job to cultivate those talents and to share them with the world, to co-create our lives with God.

For me, it is writing, speaking and sharing my spiritual journey with others in any way that I can. I absolutely love sharing!! However, I am often plagued by self-doubt, thinking that my message isn't "good enough" and that I don't really have anything of value to share. I am so grateful for the sermon yesterday and for Brené Brown's work, because I have finally realized that this is total bullshit! The fear and self-doubt that we all experience comes from people pleasing and perfectionism, so what I need to do is to shift that thinking and remember that first and foremost, I write to bring MYSELF joy. I write because it makes me come alive!! And THEN, if what I share happens to inspire someone else or help someone else, that's an added bonus!!!

I feel excitement as I write this blog post today because I truly feel that this was the revelation that I needed. This shift in perception allows me to stop listening to those limiting beliefs that try and talk me out of sharing my gifts with the world.

I am writing this today to share that no matter what, we are to do what makes us come alive! When we cultivate joy in our lives, whether we touch only ourselves, one person or one million people, we are sharing our joy and love with the world and that WILL have a ripple effect.

Please share your gifts :)

Thank you, God, for the gifts you have given me and for giving me the courage to share from my heart. Please give others the courage to do the same.

Amen.

Love, Kylie

The Spiritual Princess

My blog has a new name!! How much do you love it? Because I love it! I feel as though it is perfect for me!

I have been struggling AGAIN with the thought that I have already posted everything I could possibly post on spirituality in my blog (this happens a lot) I tend to think that it has all been done before, and maybe that's true? but really, who cares? The fact of the matter is, the information does not change. The core spiritual principles that I apply in my life are the same on a daily basis. How I move through life is always generally going to be the same because I have found the tools that work for me. What I post and how I post it, however will always reach someone new and even if it is just one person, my work is worthwhile :)

This morning as I was driving to my job, I was trying really hard to cultivate acceptance for the fact that I have to work and I was also wishing that I could make money doing what I love and what I am passionate about. That's when God started speaking to me!! Wow! Inspiration was flowing through me and what came to me was this:

1) the new name of my blog (amazing!) and
2) that perhaps I could incorporate more of who I am into my blog.

That is not to say that my blog hasn't been authentic, as it 100% has, it's just lacking some of my princessey flare. I am a self-proclaimed princess, and anyone who knows me, knows this to be true. Some people LOVE me for it and some people really don't and that's okay, because I know today that what other people think of me has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with them :)

So, I'm spicing up my blog from now on, no holding back! I am pretty excited about this as it will allow me to embrace myself more and love myself more for who I truly am and this is the goal, people.

In the past I have been really self-concious of the 'princess' label, I was always worried about what other people thought of me (ew!!) The label of 'spoiled brat' has unfortunately gone hand in hand with my title of princess over the years and at one point that was definitely true. I say that was true because I didn't always live the way I do now, therefore my actions were very mean, judgmental and for lack of a better word, bratty (side note: this was because I didn't love myself, when we judge others, we are really just judging ourselves - this helps me have compassion for myself and for assholes) What I have come to realize is that I can be who I am, I can OWN the label of princess and LOVE IT because my thoughts and actions come from a place of love today. This shift began when I actually started to learn how to authentically love myself. When I love and accept myself, that love and acceptance will translate to every other human being, even if I don't particularly like them. And let's be honest, I definitely do NOT like everyone (and I don't have to! Yay!) I do have to love and respect everyone though and I can handle that.

The lessons that I have learned over the course of my spiritual journey thus far have been life altering. I am in my fifth year of this new life and each day I am learning to love myself more and embrace my truth.

I do believe we are all here on earth with our own unique gifts to give to the world and we can't just sit back and let that go to waste. I vow to myself to give it all I've got and to be of service while showing up as exactly who I am: The Spiritual Princess :)

How can you show up today? How can you honour your TRUE self?

I am so excited to continue to share my journey with you!

Thanks for reading and for being who you are.

Love, Kylie

xx

Change your thoughts to change your life.

Lately I have been doing a lot of work around not allowing anything external to disrupt my internal state of well-being. I believe that at the core of our being we are inherently peaceful and loving, and although we stray from who we really are from time to time (or more often than we'd like) we can return to that natural state of peace and love anytime we want. I've been focusing a lot and will continue to focus on on cultivating peace within myself and placing my trust in the power of God, Who I believe, dwells within me.

Our minds are very, very powerful things, the brain is actually the strongest muscle in the body and in order to have it perform at it's highest potential, we need to exercise it like we would any other muscle. Exercising my brain comes in the form of prayer, meditation, positive affirmations and actively changing my thoughts.

When I first started to implement these practices in my life, it was EXHAUSTING!! These concepts were all totally foreign to me. I always thought that I would be happy when I had the hottest handbag, the cutest boyfriend and the best and most exciting social life. Sure, all of those things are great but the problem was that I only ever looked externally for validation. I was always going to be happy "when..." I had NO idea that I had any power, I thought life was just happening to me, so when things didn't go my way, I would be quick to blame other people and I had absolutely no acceptance for what was. This lead me to substance abuse and harming my body and mind through self-destructive thoughts and behaviours. Changing my life did not come easy to me at all, as it was a complete undoing of everything I had ever known for my first 25 years of being on earth!! I literally remember having to shift my perception from fear to love every few seconds at the beginning, as ALL of my thoughts were based in fear. It was such a chore!! (worth it now, but a chore back then) I thank God every day for giving me the desire and the willingness to change. The more I practiced, the more natural it became (like anything else) and now it's practically second nature. As a result, I continue to experience more and more peace in my life. Hard work always pays off!

To begin shifting my perceptions, I was guided to all of my self-help gurus and resources. Marianne Williamson, A Course In Miracles, Gabrielle Bernstein, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Mastin Kipp (to name a few!) - all resources I still use today!! If you aren't familiar with them, get to google immediately - these people and the spiritual principles they teach will change your life for the better!! 

Louise Hay taught me the power of positive affirmations and every morning when I wake up, I go to the mirror, look myself dead in the eyes and say "Kylie, I LOVE you" ... this works wonders for my self-esteem and I strongly suggest adding this 2 second practice into your life, immediately!

I could go on forever and ever about all the amazing gifts I have received from the wisdom of A Couse In Miracles and all my above noted mentors, but I'll let you discover them for yourselves. What they all have in common, though, in the simplest terms, is the belief that WE are responsible for our own lives.

I choose what I feed into. I choose my thoughts. Painful situations happen, yes. Pain is a part of life and I absolutely need to honour that, but if I want to cultivate love, happiness, peace and joy, then I better STOP dwelling on negative shit and the things I cannot control. I need to REMEMBER who I am and KNOW that nothing outside of me has the power to change the way I feel.... unless I let it.

This is my work today and every day. Not allowing people, places or things change my state of being. My happiness actually comes from within today and that is such a wonderful gift (and it's available to us all!!)

Try this: anytime you have a fearful, unloving, yucky thought pop into your mind - say to yourself "I am willing to see things differently - I am willing to see love instead of this" this simple affirmation allows me to start shifting the focus back to the present moment and trust that all is well. Remember, nothing external has the power to alter your internal state of well-being unless you let it.  

Here's to changing your thoughts in order to change your life!!

What practices will you incorporate into your life in order to be more fulfilled?

Please take what resonates from this blog and leave the rest :)

Love, Kylie

xx