Now I am an avid writer, I write almost daily in my personal journals. Essentially I keep a log of my entire life on paper, so much so that I have a book shelf full of my used journals, they are like my most prized possessions. Proof of all the work I've done on myself over the last 5 years.
I didn't realize they were haunting me until today. You see, I know what I've been through and I remember what I write about. I can tell you which journals outline each months of each year and as mentioned, my collection spans the last 5 years of my life. Anytime I want to take a little trip down memory lane, all I have to do is open up one of my beloved journals and start reading. Now, I don't do this OFTEN but when I do I immediately start to feel depressed, which isn't surprising, given the fact that I am taking myself out of the present moment to go back and visit the past.
There is absolutely no logical reason to do this.
After going back in time to March of 2014 this afternoon and tripping myself out completely, I gathered everything up and made my way to the backyard to our little fire pit.
It should be noted that I have never, ever made an actual fire before in my life.
Which brings me to the point of this blog.
Letting go is much like making a fire.
First of all, I expected it to be easy. Matches in hand, my assumption was that I was going to light one up, throw it on top of my pile of journals and they would all go up in flames. Wrong.
My matches actually did nothing. Thank goodness my downstairs neighbour came home and loaned me his BBQ lighter, which made things a bit easier and I am now fairly certain that no fire would have been started with me and my matches.
Secondly, it takes way longer than you think!! As mentioned above, I thought this would be easy. I assumed that my ceremonial burning of the journals would last approximately 10-15 minutes. Wrong. 1.5 hours later and we are still going. It's amazing how hard it is to get paper to light on fire and more importantly, to STAY on fire.
Thirdly, it's terrifying. I would be lying to you if I said I wasn't completely panicked when my little fire did bust out some massive flames from time to time. I was freaking out thinking the flames were going to light the tree on fire, so much so that I had a pot of water outside with me, just incase.
Fourth, it's painful. I got so much smoke in my eyes and I inhaled so much smoke that my eyes, throat and lungs were burning like crazy. So not cool.
Last but not least, I need help. Not only did Doug from downstairs help me out initially, but I have decided to wait to finish my "letting go" ceremony until Brandon gets home, as I am fairly confident that he will be much better equipped to start a proper fire. I get by with a little help from my friends!!
Isn't it ironic and so, so therapeutic that my experience, although disastrous with making a fire in my backyard is exactly what I needed to recognize that letting go is not easy. Letting go of the past is damn hard! And it takes time. It's friggen scary and painful and you definitely cannot do it all alone.
The good news is though, it can be done. You, my little angel of light, are strong enough. Take this as your sign!
Let. It. Go.
Let. It. Go.
Love to love,
Kylie
