A beautiful woman that I went to University with recently committed suicide.
The news hit me like a ton of bricks. Although I wasn't close with this woman, we ran in the same circle and a couple of my close friends were close with her, which is how I heard the news today. None of that really matters though, what matters is an amazing woman is no longer with us on earth and that is heartbreaking.
This got me thinking that our lives are constantly changing, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse (or so we think). In my mere 33 years on this planet I've been through so much, and always with amazing friends by my side, yet it's only now, in this moment, that I realize how much I miss my friends.
I wouldn't trade my life today to go back in time for anything, but I need to vent this out ...
Sometimes it gets really lonely. Sometimes I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. But what does that even mean; 'the way they used to be?' Because life is forever and ever changing, and the way things used to be in 1999, are completely different from the way things were in 2003, to the way things were in 2007, 2010, 2013, and so on.
I was just saying to Amanda today that I can't believe it's 2017, and she said that we have been friends for 15 years. We met in first year University. FIFTEEN YEARS AGO.
Mind. Blown.
My entire life I have been really blessed with such amazing friends, some I still talk to, some I still see and some I don't talk to or see at all. There are times that I think that it would be nice to go back to those 'simpler' times, when it seemed that our only care in the world was what time we were going out for dinner, or who's house we were pre-drinking at, however all of those times came with their own sadness and their own pain. All of which seems completely irrelevant to me now though.
That being said, what seems like the end of the world today, will likely not be as horrifying in 5, 10, 15 years. Absolutely nothing is permanent, in fact, it's all so fucking temporary.
I can say that with certainty as I raise my daughter and watch her grow before my very eyes. I feel like I blinked and she is 7 months old. Every moment is precious and hearing of Alex's death has made me realize that even more.
This season of my life is all about my baby girl and I am so happy that I cry tears of joy on the regular, yet sometimes I feel like I just want to get dressed in non-nursing attire and go out like I used to. I want to have a night to do whatever I want, with all my best friends. Tonight I am reminiscing about my University days when the world was quite literally my oyster, to come and go as I please, see whoever I want, go to sleep whenever I want, wake up whenever I want ... it sounds like pure bliss - but was it?
Who knows...
All I know is, it's Friday night, August 11th, 2017 and I'm in my PJ's at 8:30pm, watching my sleeping baby on the monitor as I write this post, alone. And I wouldn't change it.
Long gone are the University days but I will forever have the memories, some amazing and some horrifying, yet all cherished. I have my whole life ahead of me and I have a beautiful new little life to nurture and care for along the way now. I am grateful. I am blessed. I honour all of my feelings tonight and always. I let go of the past; and I pray for Alex, her family and all those who currently struggle to see hope through the pain.
Love, Kylie
PS: This also goes to show that you impact more people than you actually know. I bet Alex never thought that the news of her death would shake me like it did. We are all one.
