In the final few days of 2013, I find myself in a place of reflection. I catch myself each day thinking 'on this day last year I was....' (fill in the blank). I am amazed at the changes that have taken place in my life over the last year, all of which came as a direct result of taking the appropriate ACTION to live in alignment with the woman I truly am.
I set the intention last year at this time to move into action in the area of my spiritual practice. I was reading all the spiritual blogs, tons of self help books, and acquiring a wealth of knowledge on spirituality and the topics I was interested in, but I was doing nothing with the information I was learning. I was living from a complete and total place of fear. In fact, I was paralyzed by that fear. Sure, I knew a ton about how to become peaceful and happy (my main tools today are: prayer, meditation, positive affirmations and journaling) I also knew exactly what I needed to do (end my relationship) - but was I doing any of it? No. Way.
It thrills me to report today that I did it! And by 'it' I mean I threw myself into action, I faced my biggest fear (being alone) and started to develop MY spiritual practice (through prayer, meditation, positive affirmations and journaling) and I have grown immensely over the last year as a result. I am so excited to share this experience and to set my intentions for the New Year because I learned first hand that with ACTION, commitment and living in alignment with your true self, change will occur. And it will be for the better.
What this new year represents for me are new opportunities to embrace the woman I ALREADY am. I am already 100% spiritual (and so are you). What we need to do is accept that (surrender) and move through the blocks that are in the way of us accessing that place of complete peace and serenity. I am not planning on making a list of new years resolutions, but rather an action plan for the year ahead. I am going to further commit to discovering ALL of me through my DAILY practices. It is about having that willingness to move through any darkness, move through that fear, make that commitment to yourself and follow through with the appropriate action, no matter what.
"First say to yourself what would you be; and then do what you have to do" -Epictetus
I would take the above noted quote one step further and instead of asking myself what I WOULD be; I will connect with my soul and understand that I already AM that person, I just need to move into that role by taking the appropriate action.
It's a beautiful and comforting feeling to know that within each one of us is a soul and God put us on this earth so we could fulfill our highest potentials.
What are you waiting for?
3 steps to take in the next couple of days are:
1) Get CLEAR on what you want for yourself and write it down. Do as Epictetus says, ask yourself who you want to be (who you really are), also ask yourself how you want to feel. Set the intentions.
2) Come up with an action plan. What steps will you take? What are the things that you can do each day to be more in alignment with your true self? How are you going to achieve your desired results? Remember, the power is within you and this plan is unique to you.
3) FORGIVE yourself IMMEDIATELY if (and when) you take steps backwards, or act in a way that is not in alignment with your highest self. We are human, and everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn (so I would not even call it a "mistake" at all) the most important thing to do when faced with a "mistake" is to forgive, forgive, forgive. It is of absolutely no use to beat yourself up, learn from it, and do better next time. Holding any resentments against ourselves is poison. God forgives us everything, we can do the same.
So, what are your intentions? I would love to hear!!!!
I wish you all nothing but LOVE in the year to come, I hope that you honour yourselves and TAKE ACTION towards being who you were put on this earth to be!!!
Happy New Year!!!!!!
Love, Kylie
XO
Affirmation for the day/week/month: I am supported!
Monday 30 December 2013
Friday 6 December 2013
Stop trying to change what God created.
What makes you happy?
For me, I'm authentically happy when I'm practicing acceptance. It's that simple. Yet I am STILL constantly trying to CHANGE myself in order to be healthier or more spiritual. Nothing is ever good enough. What's up with that??
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to better yourself, AS LONG as it is to become a more authentic version of exactly who YOU are.
This is where I sometimes get confused.
In this day and age we are absolutely inundated with social media. I am not very techonologically savvy but I do know how to use Facebook and Instagram and I will admit, I love them both. That being said, there is a flip side to that love and that is the constant comparison and feelings of not being good enough that come along with it. I follow a lot of super healthy people, spiritual healers and authors and I LOVE and respect them all, but being human, I can compare. My ego compares my life to what I see on the internet and this is a recipe for disaster.
There was a point in my life where I was waking up at 4 in the morning to complete my list of 10+ things that I "HAD" to do in the morning in order to make myself a successful human being. Eventually when this became way too much for me to handle, I took a few things off the list and then a few more and eventually I stopped doing everything I had on that list all together. I then proceeded to beat myself up for not having a super healthy, super spiritual, "perfect" morning routine.
I have been struggling with the negative self talk and feelings of inadequacy for quite some time now as I've been "off" my "perfect" morning routine for a while, or so I thought. It wasn't until a good friend shared his beautiful experience with me that I realized I DO have a morning routine!
Maybe it doesn't involve doing 10 things before I even step into the shower, but it's MINE. It is simple and relaxing, it is also ever changing. Rigidity doesn't work for me and I need to remember that (as I always try and MAKE it work) Currently, I wake up, drink a glass of water, tell myself I love myself in the mirror, say a prayer from ACIM, shower, make my bed, take my vitamins and eat breakfast. Super NORMAL and simple!!! I don't even meditate in the morning right now because I would rather sleep as much as I can. I admit it. And it's okay because TODAY I am the closest I've ever been to my authentic self and today, THAT is what I need to be in order to be happy. (Note: I DO meditate, it's very important to me, just not first thing)
My struggles with inadequacy and uneasiness come up in many different areas of my life, my morning routine being just one example, I assure you that surrender and unconditional acceptance are actions I practice every single day.
It is essential for me to accept myself exactly as I am and to accept those in my life exactly as they are.
Constantly striving for change leaves me no time to ENJOY the life I have and the person I am becoming.
Letting go and allowing GOD to work His magic is the key.
I vow to STOP trying to change what God created.
How can you accept yourself today?
Do you have a fun morning routine?
I would love to hear about it!!
Kylie
For me, I'm authentically happy when I'm practicing acceptance. It's that simple. Yet I am STILL constantly trying to CHANGE myself in order to be healthier or more spiritual. Nothing is ever good enough. What's up with that??
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to better yourself, AS LONG as it is to become a more authentic version of exactly who YOU are.
This is where I sometimes get confused.
In this day and age we are absolutely inundated with social media. I am not very techonologically savvy but I do know how to use Facebook and Instagram and I will admit, I love them both. That being said, there is a flip side to that love and that is the constant comparison and feelings of not being good enough that come along with it. I follow a lot of super healthy people, spiritual healers and authors and I LOVE and respect them all, but being human, I can compare. My ego compares my life to what I see on the internet and this is a recipe for disaster.
There was a point in my life where I was waking up at 4 in the morning to complete my list of 10+ things that I "HAD" to do in the morning in order to make myself a successful human being. Eventually when this became way too much for me to handle, I took a few things off the list and then a few more and eventually I stopped doing everything I had on that list all together. I then proceeded to beat myself up for not having a super healthy, super spiritual, "perfect" morning routine.
I have been struggling with the negative self talk and feelings of inadequacy for quite some time now as I've been "off" my "perfect" morning routine for a while, or so I thought. It wasn't until a good friend shared his beautiful experience with me that I realized I DO have a morning routine!
Maybe it doesn't involve doing 10 things before I even step into the shower, but it's MINE. It is simple and relaxing, it is also ever changing. Rigidity doesn't work for me and I need to remember that (as I always try and MAKE it work) Currently, I wake up, drink a glass of water, tell myself I love myself in the mirror, say a prayer from ACIM, shower, make my bed, take my vitamins and eat breakfast. Super NORMAL and simple!!! I don't even meditate in the morning right now because I would rather sleep as much as I can. I admit it. And it's okay because TODAY I am the closest I've ever been to my authentic self and today, THAT is what I need to be in order to be happy. (Note: I DO meditate, it's very important to me, just not first thing)
My struggles with inadequacy and uneasiness come up in many different areas of my life, my morning routine being just one example, I assure you that surrender and unconditional acceptance are actions I practice every single day.
It is essential for me to accept myself exactly as I am and to accept those in my life exactly as they are.
Constantly striving for change leaves me no time to ENJOY the life I have and the person I am becoming.
Letting go and allowing GOD to work His magic is the key.
I vow to STOP trying to change what God created.
How can you accept yourself today?
Do you have a fun morning routine?
I would love to hear about it!!
Kylie
Tuesday 19 November 2013
FEEL the fear ... and do it anyway.
Fear.
What a pal. I just love it.
I know we all experience different fears in our lives and sometimes they can be very unmanageable, my goal today is to help you understand that fear really doesn't have to be scary at all.
One of the greatest things I have ever learned is to love fear. I have also discovered that when I love and embrace fear, God/the Universe loves me back and good things start happening!! I now think of my fear as a light, showing me where to go, rather than something that is going to keep me perpetually stuck.
Fear comes up (for me) mostly when I am embarking on some sort of change or entering any sort of uncertainty. It doesn't even have to be a big change, or a major uncertainty. It can be something as simple as leaving work and driving into downtown Toronto to meet up with my sisters. I use this example because I actually observed myself feeling fear when I was heading downtown last week to help my sisters move (and I had to laugh) I also observed myself feeling fear while heading to a friends birthday party this past weekend ...(and again, had to laugh) Obviously my fear around the two above noted situations totally caught my attention, I find it SO INTERESTING to peacefully observe my brain. Being a peaceful observer actually makes me feel giddy. It's super exciting stuff when you have the ability to observe and not place judgment on yourself (And we ALL have this ability!!!)
If I had acted on the fear from the two examples I gave above (a.k.a. listened to my ego) it would have driven me away from loving and amazing experiences for no valid reason. This is why I think it is so vital to start treating fear like a friend, a mean friend (maybe?) but a friend none the less. I used these simple examples to illustrate just how crazy our fears can really be and how my ego tries to ruin everything for me (Although I am absolutely convinced that if I send enough love and awareness to my ego, eventually it won't hold any power over me)
We can feel the fear and do it anyway. It's a choice.
Of course there are fears that are much more difficult to face than the examples I stated above, afterall, it's easy for me to know that both going to help my sisters and attending a party will not be scary experiences. I can trust in advance, in these situations, what I will only KNOW to be a fact in reverse quite easily.
But what if you feel you need to end an unhealthy relationship? or begin a new relationship? or quit a secure job? or change your lifestyle? What if you know you need to come out of the closet in some way, to expose your true self in order to live authentically? These kinds of situations would certainly bring up a lot of fear and it would be harder to trust in advance that the outcome could be better than you may expect it to be. BUT IT CAN BE BETTER and it WILL be better. When we stay in alignment with our HIGHEST self, the outcome is ALWAYS going to be better than you could ever imagine.
You can cultivate that trust by feeling the fear and DOING IT ANYWAY. Everyone has to start somewhere. I gained the power to face my fears simply BY FACING THEM.
It all started with facing the fear of my relationship ending, I thought I would die of a broken heart - literally, and now I have never been happier. If your gut feeling is pulling you in a certain direction but you are too scared to make that move, just pray and TRUST that whatever is on the other side of that fear, although it could initially be painful, is going to be for your greatest GOOD. TRUST THE PROCESS. Feel the fear and PLEASE do it anyway.
I can't think of anything worse than not living the life you were meant to live because you were too scared to move.
The fact that fear arises from our ego mind is something that is very important for me (and you) to remember. If our egos are trying to keep us stuck and they are the ones that produce the fear, why listen to them? Feel it, acknowledge it and say "Thank you, ego, for showing me what I need to do and where I need to go - thank you for helping me learn that my true self is much, much stronger than you"
Whatever it is you choose to say to your ego just make sure you feel the fear and do it anyway. Let's let our God centred, true selves run the show!!!
I read a quote one day that stuck with me from that point on and I don't even know who said it, but it read "God is here, now, guiding us, all we have to do is peacefully follow"
Amen.
Peacefully yours,
Kylie
What a pal. I just love it.
I know we all experience different fears in our lives and sometimes they can be very unmanageable, my goal today is to help you understand that fear really doesn't have to be scary at all.
One of the greatest things I have ever learned is to love fear. I have also discovered that when I love and embrace fear, God/the Universe loves me back and good things start happening!! I now think of my fear as a light, showing me where to go, rather than something that is going to keep me perpetually stuck.
Fear comes up (for me) mostly when I am embarking on some sort of change or entering any sort of uncertainty. It doesn't even have to be a big change, or a major uncertainty. It can be something as simple as leaving work and driving into downtown Toronto to meet up with my sisters. I use this example because I actually observed myself feeling fear when I was heading downtown last week to help my sisters move (and I had to laugh) I also observed myself feeling fear while heading to a friends birthday party this past weekend ...(and again, had to laugh) Obviously my fear around the two above noted situations totally caught my attention, I find it SO INTERESTING to peacefully observe my brain. Being a peaceful observer actually makes me feel giddy. It's super exciting stuff when you have the ability to observe and not place judgment on yourself (And we ALL have this ability!!!)
If I had acted on the fear from the two examples I gave above (a.k.a. listened to my ego) it would have driven me away from loving and amazing experiences for no valid reason. This is why I think it is so vital to start treating fear like a friend, a mean friend (maybe?) but a friend none the less. I used these simple examples to illustrate just how crazy our fears can really be and how my ego tries to ruin everything for me (Although I am absolutely convinced that if I send enough love and awareness to my ego, eventually it won't hold any power over me)
We can feel the fear and do it anyway. It's a choice.
Of course there are fears that are much more difficult to face than the examples I stated above, afterall, it's easy for me to know that both going to help my sisters and attending a party will not be scary experiences. I can trust in advance, in these situations, what I will only KNOW to be a fact in reverse quite easily.
But what if you feel you need to end an unhealthy relationship? or begin a new relationship? or quit a secure job? or change your lifestyle? What if you know you need to come out of the closet in some way, to expose your true self in order to live authentically? These kinds of situations would certainly bring up a lot of fear and it would be harder to trust in advance that the outcome could be better than you may expect it to be. BUT IT CAN BE BETTER and it WILL be better. When we stay in alignment with our HIGHEST self, the outcome is ALWAYS going to be better than you could ever imagine.
You can cultivate that trust by feeling the fear and DOING IT ANYWAY. Everyone has to start somewhere. I gained the power to face my fears simply BY FACING THEM.
It all started with facing the fear of my relationship ending, I thought I would die of a broken heart - literally, and now I have never been happier. If your gut feeling is pulling you in a certain direction but you are too scared to make that move, just pray and TRUST that whatever is on the other side of that fear, although it could initially be painful, is going to be for your greatest GOOD. TRUST THE PROCESS. Feel the fear and PLEASE do it anyway.
I can't think of anything worse than not living the life you were meant to live because you were too scared to move.
The fact that fear arises from our ego mind is something that is very important for me (and you) to remember. If our egos are trying to keep us stuck and they are the ones that produce the fear, why listen to them? Feel it, acknowledge it and say "Thank you, ego, for showing me what I need to do and where I need to go - thank you for helping me learn that my true self is much, much stronger than you"
Whatever it is you choose to say to your ego just make sure you feel the fear and do it anyway. Let's let our God centred, true selves run the show!!!
I read a quote one day that stuck with me from that point on and I don't even know who said it, but it read "God is here, now, guiding us, all we have to do is peacefully follow"
Amen.
Peacefully yours,
Kylie
Thursday 7 November 2013
I ran a marathon with God.
Running my first marathon was such a spiritual experience for me that I am being called to write about it. Hopefully my experience will benefit you, in one way or another. Here it goes :)
I believe it was in and around April 2013 that one of my best friends, Kristin, and I were out for brunch at Kindfood, discussing our lives, hopes and dreams (as usual) and we started talking about goals. Kristin said that she wanted to do something that she didn't think was possible for her and running a marathon was that something. This sparked my interest, as I have always wanted to run a marathon, but never really thought I could do it either. How could I possibly run for 42.2km straight?? Fast forward to a couple of months later and we were training and signed up for the Scotiabank Waterfront Marathon in Toronto. Unfortunately, Kristin injured her foot and couldn't continue with her training, which was a definite bummer. I have no doubt that if and when the time is right for her to do her first marathon, she will rock it. Kristin is one of the most wonderful people I know. (Love you!)
I had signed up for the marathon training clinic with the Running Room that started on June 20th, 2013. I knew that I needed the support for the long runs, as I could not see myself getting up on a Sunday morning and running 30+km by myself... ever, so that was my main reason for joining. Our group met every Thursday evening, for a quick lesson on all things running and then a group run and again every Sunday for our long run. I won't go into detail around my training experience, but what I will say is that I hit many walls throughout the training. At one point I hated running and never wanted to run again. Sticking with it and moving through a range of emotions made me recognize that every run does not have to be an amazing run. In fact, I don't believe it is possible to ALWAYS have amazing runs, you have to go through the ups and downs in running, as you do in life. It's just a part of the game. Training for a marathon actually taught me a lot about acceptance of exactly where I am, and it taught me a lot about forgiveness too. Instead of beating myself up after a shitty run, I can nurture myself and know that it's a learning experience. I can then do better next time, or the time after that. Training was a challenge in every way, physically, mentally and emotionally and I learned a lot about myself. Many of you who know me, know that I'm in love with God and that I use running as a chance to talk to Him and also as a form of moving meditation, so needless to say running 50+ km/a week... brought me much closer to God. My coach actually started calling me as "eat, pray, love" a nickname that I definitely ADORE.
I need to touch on the week leading up to race day. Running is hard on your body, there is no doubt about that, which is why it is so important to take good care of yourself after your runs, always. Stretching, proper nutrition, relaxation ... all vital to marathon training. Although I tried my best, I didn't stretch enough and my IT bands were so tight as a result. A week before the marathon, my lovey IT band decided it needed to give me a message and on a Saturday run with my sister, at around the 13km mark, I physically could not run anymore due to pain along the side of my left knee. This was exactly 1 week and 1 day before my marathon. Crippling pain that actually caused me to stop running (again, for those of you that know me, you know that I NEVER stop, so something MUST have been very wrong) ... I had to walk the rest of the way back to the car, and I was in a slight panic.
I am 1 week and 1 day out from my first full marathon and I can't run... you have got to be kidding me! Was the only thing that was going through my head.
The following week I saw my chiropractor daily. I bought a brand new pair of running shoes. I rolled out my IT bands as much as possible. I stretched as much as possible. I bought an IT band wrap (thanks to a great recommendation from my friend at work! Thanks Kevin!!) and I tried to take it easy, as much as possible. I did still test myself everyday to see if I could run and each day I found that my pain was still present. I didn't know what to do. Panic started to really sink in the day before the race when I went out for my scheduled 3km and I was in pain the entire time. I pushed through it but Oh. My. God.
The rest of the day on Saturday was spent with my friend Mike, we discussed unconditional acceptance, surrendering to what is, trusting in God's plan and how if my knee is in pain during the run, there is no shame in walking. I am so grateful for his spirituality and that he shares it with me, he has a way of calming me down that I greatly appreciate. I was finding it difficult to wrap my head around potentially not being able to run this race that I had trained so hard for over the last 5 and a half months but the way Mike put it, I realized that I needed to just swallow my pride and acknowledge that that might just have to happen. I needed to let it go. What else could I do? I had done everything that I possibly could, now it was just time to let go and let God.
I had an amazing sleep on Satruday night, a solid 7 hours, which was surprising to me as usually before a long run, I am nervous and can be found tossing and turning all night. I have to thank God for that sleep, as I spent my evening before bed reading from A Course In Miracles and praying. I woke up at 6:00am to have breakfast and get ready to take the train downtown Toronto with Shane and Mumsy. Paige was meeting us at the race as she already lives downtown and Dadsy was coming afterwards with the car, so we could have a comfortable drive home :) I am so grateful for my family. They are so supportive and loving in every way. I forgot to mention that Shane and Paige were both running their first half-marathons on this day as well. It was a family affair!!! My sisters ROCK! (Hi girls!!)
The train to downtown Toronto got us into Union just after 8am. The race was set to start at 8:45 and I am relatively calm. I found this interesting, as it is not the norm for me, even before regular long runs I get nervous and this was race day!!!My leg was taped up by my amazing chiropractor and I was wearing my IT band wrap for good measure as well. I felt a sense of peace within myself, I knew that God was with me and that whatever was meant to happen was going to happen. THIS is what surrender feels like, I remember thinking to myself. I had unconditional loving acceptance for whatever was going to happen, before it had even happened. I had pure trust that everything was going to go EXACTLY as it should.
It took 15 minutes to cross the start line due to the amount of people participating in the race. I started with Shane and we ran the first 16km together. My sister is such a gem, making sure I was okay the whole time, we started off really slow, I am not sure of our exact pace but it was up around 6:20/km ... it felt a bit slow but I knew I had to take it easy, a lady from the Running Company in downtown Oakville had told me the day before that when I get to the 21km mark, it should feel like I have done NOTHING. HAH. I didn't believe that was possible, but I assure you, it was. Miracles happen everyday.
The first 10km flew by. Shane and I were gliding along, not worrying about a thing :) At the 12km mark I started to feel a bit of knee pain, but I remained calm and was confident that it would pass. Shane picked up her pace around 15-16km but I kept the same, slow and steady. I remember thinking when Shane left me that 'Wow, she is almost done and I am nowhere near close'... next thing I knew, I was at the split, one way to finish the half-marathon, the other to continue on for the full, I'd say 80% of the people who were signed up for the race were running the half, so the road opened up completely at the split, which was amazing. I loved this because I felt free, I had space, I hate when there are tons of people around, it isn't ideal for moving meditation. I believe the split was around 19km (or so?) I'm not entierely sure but I know I was running for a bit longer until I saw the 21km mark. At that point, I checked in with my body and I felt stronger than EVER. The "impossible" was possible. I was literally able to say to myself, after running a full 21km, that I had felt like I had done "nothing". I was good to go and ever so grateful that I conserved my energy and ran slower than I needed to the entire first half.
My next goal was to make it to the 25km mark. I like numbers and I like setting mini goals. This became like a game to me. Get to 25 and you've got 17 to go, get to 27 and you've got 15 to go. Get to 30 and you've got 12 to go.. etc, I remember feeling so ecstatic when I was in and around 25-27km that I burst into tears and the guy who was running closest to me asked me if I was okay and I replied "I'm just so happy" .... he didn't get it. I hope he was happy too though.
I am pretty sure (judging from all the pictures I've seen of myself from the run) that I was smiling ear to ear the entire time. I felt the presence of God within me. I was certain that I was not alone, I was with God. I felt so strong and confident. I had significantly picked up my pace the 2nd half and I remember running by people who seemed to be hitting their own personal walls and thinking to myself 'how is it even possible that I feel THIS GOOD? am I actually doing this?' ... I have no idea what the route was, I didn't know where I was at any given time really, except when I was in the Beaches. There were so many people all along the street, cheering, and I remember hearing people say to me "Looking great! Looking STRONG!" and I was like YES!!! It totally reassured me that I was okay. My true self knew that I was MORE than okay, but my pesky ego was still there, trying to tell me that it was not possible that I felt this good after 30km, thank GOD I don't need to listen to that meanie anymore!!!
At the 30km mark I was beyond thrilled. I called my sister to inform her of my progress and told her I was feeling great.
Side note: Yes, I carried my phone with me the entire marathon. I use it as my GPS/tracking device but it came in handy when I felt like talking to someone :) and I can run and talk on the phone quite easily with my earphones :)
After the 30km mark, I don't think I saw another marker for a while, which some people have found hard to believe but I was in my own little world. At this point I was blasting my fav songs and singing along, out loud, having the best time ever!
At the 37km mark we were going around a weird bend and up an annoying tiny hill, it seemed like we were back tracking at this point and I remember feeling, for the FIRST time in the entire race, a little frustrated and ready for the race to be over. I quickly managed to flip that thought around and I told myself that this marathon was in fact going to be over before I knew it, so I better enjoy it while it lasts - that worked, like a charm! I continued running :)
I only had 5km to go and realistically, that was nothing to me at this point. I completely missed the 38km marker, which was a pleasent surprise when I arrived at 39km, expecting 38km... I started tearing up again because I knew that I was on the verge of completing an actual marathon. I hit 40km and it felt like a dream, I called Shane again at this point to inform her that I was 2km away and she told me that her and Dadsy were standing at Adelaide on the left hand side and Paige and Mumsy were at the 500m to go mark on the right hand side. I was so excited to get there and see everyone!!!
I was blasting the song "I love it!" by Icona Pop (I know, I'm 29 going on 13) I love that song though and I don't care, so it was on repeat and I'm singing, again, out loud "I don't care! I love it!"!!! It totally pumped me up and got me through the 40th kilometre. When I hit 41km I really started to reflect on how far I had come, not only for the fact that I had just run 41km (holy shit!) but how far I've come in my life. It was 7 months ago to the day that my relationship ended. I coudn't help but realize that and then I found myself remembering where I was exactly 7 months ago. I was completely heartbroken, in extreme pain, wondering how I was ever going to make it through.... it sounds dramatic but I literally remember thinking 'How am I EVER going to get through this pain? Will I EVER feel okay again?' ... I didn't know, I honestly didn't know. Now, there I was, 1.2km away from finishing A MARATHON, in LOVE with myself more than I ever thought possible, truly the HAPPIEST I have been in YEARS!!! Tears of joy and pure gratitude starting streaming down my face and continued until the end of the run. My running coach, Cari, popped out at me when I had less than 1km to go and ran part of the way in with me, I thanked her so much for all that she had done for me, through tears. I am so grateful for her experience, strength and hope. It was so amazing to see her, shortly after she stopped running with me, I saw my Dad and Shane and I was thrilled!!! Then I saw Paige and I was thrilled. Right after seeing Paige, I saw the sign that said 500m to go and I could not believe my eyes. My Mum was waiting at the Finish Line for me. I didn't see her, because I was in a bubble by that point, but she saw me and took some great pics!
Next thing I knew, I was crossing the finish line.
I started bawling.
I did it!
My official time was 4:19:38. I ran the entire time. I couldn't be happier with the outcome.
This is what I wrote in my journal right after the run:
"Today will go down in history as one of the best, most spiritually connected days of my life. I am so beyond grateful for God and how He allowed me to run my first full marathon. I don't even know how I can put this experience into words. The level of connectedness I felt throughout the entire run was out of this world. It was a miracle. I completely surrender to God's will"
The moral of the story is: With God, ALL things really are possible :)
Love always,
Kylie
I believe it was in and around April 2013 that one of my best friends, Kristin, and I were out for brunch at Kindfood, discussing our lives, hopes and dreams (as usual) and we started talking about goals. Kristin said that she wanted to do something that she didn't think was possible for her and running a marathon was that something. This sparked my interest, as I have always wanted to run a marathon, but never really thought I could do it either. How could I possibly run for 42.2km straight?? Fast forward to a couple of months later and we were training and signed up for the Scotiabank Waterfront Marathon in Toronto. Unfortunately, Kristin injured her foot and couldn't continue with her training, which was a definite bummer. I have no doubt that if and when the time is right for her to do her first marathon, she will rock it. Kristin is one of the most wonderful people I know. (Love you!)
I had signed up for the marathon training clinic with the Running Room that started on June 20th, 2013. I knew that I needed the support for the long runs, as I could not see myself getting up on a Sunday morning and running 30+km by myself... ever, so that was my main reason for joining. Our group met every Thursday evening, for a quick lesson on all things running and then a group run and again every Sunday for our long run. I won't go into detail around my training experience, but what I will say is that I hit many walls throughout the training. At one point I hated running and never wanted to run again. Sticking with it and moving through a range of emotions made me recognize that every run does not have to be an amazing run. In fact, I don't believe it is possible to ALWAYS have amazing runs, you have to go through the ups and downs in running, as you do in life. It's just a part of the game. Training for a marathon actually taught me a lot about acceptance of exactly where I am, and it taught me a lot about forgiveness too. Instead of beating myself up after a shitty run, I can nurture myself and know that it's a learning experience. I can then do better next time, or the time after that. Training was a challenge in every way, physically, mentally and emotionally and I learned a lot about myself. Many of you who know me, know that I'm in love with God and that I use running as a chance to talk to Him and also as a form of moving meditation, so needless to say running 50+ km/a week... brought me much closer to God. My coach actually started calling me as "eat, pray, love" a nickname that I definitely ADORE.
I need to touch on the week leading up to race day. Running is hard on your body, there is no doubt about that, which is why it is so important to take good care of yourself after your runs, always. Stretching, proper nutrition, relaxation ... all vital to marathon training. Although I tried my best, I didn't stretch enough and my IT bands were so tight as a result. A week before the marathon, my lovey IT band decided it needed to give me a message and on a Saturday run with my sister, at around the 13km mark, I physically could not run anymore due to pain along the side of my left knee. This was exactly 1 week and 1 day before my marathon. Crippling pain that actually caused me to stop running (again, for those of you that know me, you know that I NEVER stop, so something MUST have been very wrong) ... I had to walk the rest of the way back to the car, and I was in a slight panic.
I am 1 week and 1 day out from my first full marathon and I can't run... you have got to be kidding me! Was the only thing that was going through my head.
The following week I saw my chiropractor daily. I bought a brand new pair of running shoes. I rolled out my IT bands as much as possible. I stretched as much as possible. I bought an IT band wrap (thanks to a great recommendation from my friend at work! Thanks Kevin!!) and I tried to take it easy, as much as possible. I did still test myself everyday to see if I could run and each day I found that my pain was still present. I didn't know what to do. Panic started to really sink in the day before the race when I went out for my scheduled 3km and I was in pain the entire time. I pushed through it but Oh. My. God.
The rest of the day on Saturday was spent with my friend Mike, we discussed unconditional acceptance, surrendering to what is, trusting in God's plan and how if my knee is in pain during the run, there is no shame in walking. I am so grateful for his spirituality and that he shares it with me, he has a way of calming me down that I greatly appreciate. I was finding it difficult to wrap my head around potentially not being able to run this race that I had trained so hard for over the last 5 and a half months but the way Mike put it, I realized that I needed to just swallow my pride and acknowledge that that might just have to happen. I needed to let it go. What else could I do? I had done everything that I possibly could, now it was just time to let go and let God.
I had an amazing sleep on Satruday night, a solid 7 hours, which was surprising to me as usually before a long run, I am nervous and can be found tossing and turning all night. I have to thank God for that sleep, as I spent my evening before bed reading from A Course In Miracles and praying. I woke up at 6:00am to have breakfast and get ready to take the train downtown Toronto with Shane and Mumsy. Paige was meeting us at the race as she already lives downtown and Dadsy was coming afterwards with the car, so we could have a comfortable drive home :) I am so grateful for my family. They are so supportive and loving in every way. I forgot to mention that Shane and Paige were both running their first half-marathons on this day as well. It was a family affair!!! My sisters ROCK! (Hi girls!!)
The train to downtown Toronto got us into Union just after 8am. The race was set to start at 8:45 and I am relatively calm. I found this interesting, as it is not the norm for me, even before regular long runs I get nervous and this was race day!!!My leg was taped up by my amazing chiropractor and I was wearing my IT band wrap for good measure as well. I felt a sense of peace within myself, I knew that God was with me and that whatever was meant to happen was going to happen. THIS is what surrender feels like, I remember thinking to myself. I had unconditional loving acceptance for whatever was going to happen, before it had even happened. I had pure trust that everything was going to go EXACTLY as it should.
It took 15 minutes to cross the start line due to the amount of people participating in the race. I started with Shane and we ran the first 16km together. My sister is such a gem, making sure I was okay the whole time, we started off really slow, I am not sure of our exact pace but it was up around 6:20/km ... it felt a bit slow but I knew I had to take it easy, a lady from the Running Company in downtown Oakville had told me the day before that when I get to the 21km mark, it should feel like I have done NOTHING. HAH. I didn't believe that was possible, but I assure you, it was. Miracles happen everyday.
The first 10km flew by. Shane and I were gliding along, not worrying about a thing :) At the 12km mark I started to feel a bit of knee pain, but I remained calm and was confident that it would pass. Shane picked up her pace around 15-16km but I kept the same, slow and steady. I remember thinking when Shane left me that 'Wow, she is almost done and I am nowhere near close'... next thing I knew, I was at the split, one way to finish the half-marathon, the other to continue on for the full, I'd say 80% of the people who were signed up for the race were running the half, so the road opened up completely at the split, which was amazing. I loved this because I felt free, I had space, I hate when there are tons of people around, it isn't ideal for moving meditation. I believe the split was around 19km (or so?) I'm not entierely sure but I know I was running for a bit longer until I saw the 21km mark. At that point, I checked in with my body and I felt stronger than EVER. The "impossible" was possible. I was literally able to say to myself, after running a full 21km, that I had felt like I had done "nothing". I was good to go and ever so grateful that I conserved my energy and ran slower than I needed to the entire first half.
My next goal was to make it to the 25km mark. I like numbers and I like setting mini goals. This became like a game to me. Get to 25 and you've got 17 to go, get to 27 and you've got 15 to go. Get to 30 and you've got 12 to go.. etc, I remember feeling so ecstatic when I was in and around 25-27km that I burst into tears and the guy who was running closest to me asked me if I was okay and I replied "I'm just so happy" .... he didn't get it. I hope he was happy too though.
I am pretty sure (judging from all the pictures I've seen of myself from the run) that I was smiling ear to ear the entire time. I felt the presence of God within me. I was certain that I was not alone, I was with God. I felt so strong and confident. I had significantly picked up my pace the 2nd half and I remember running by people who seemed to be hitting their own personal walls and thinking to myself 'how is it even possible that I feel THIS GOOD? am I actually doing this?' ... I have no idea what the route was, I didn't know where I was at any given time really, except when I was in the Beaches. There were so many people all along the street, cheering, and I remember hearing people say to me "Looking great! Looking STRONG!" and I was like YES!!! It totally reassured me that I was okay. My true self knew that I was MORE than okay, but my pesky ego was still there, trying to tell me that it was not possible that I felt this good after 30km, thank GOD I don't need to listen to that meanie anymore!!!
At the 30km mark I was beyond thrilled. I called my sister to inform her of my progress and told her I was feeling great.
Side note: Yes, I carried my phone with me the entire marathon. I use it as my GPS/tracking device but it came in handy when I felt like talking to someone :) and I can run and talk on the phone quite easily with my earphones :)
After the 30km mark, I don't think I saw another marker for a while, which some people have found hard to believe but I was in my own little world. At this point I was blasting my fav songs and singing along, out loud, having the best time ever!
At the 37km mark we were going around a weird bend and up an annoying tiny hill, it seemed like we were back tracking at this point and I remember feeling, for the FIRST time in the entire race, a little frustrated and ready for the race to be over. I quickly managed to flip that thought around and I told myself that this marathon was in fact going to be over before I knew it, so I better enjoy it while it lasts - that worked, like a charm! I continued running :)
I only had 5km to go and realistically, that was nothing to me at this point. I completely missed the 38km marker, which was a pleasent surprise when I arrived at 39km, expecting 38km... I started tearing up again because I knew that I was on the verge of completing an actual marathon. I hit 40km and it felt like a dream, I called Shane again at this point to inform her that I was 2km away and she told me that her and Dadsy were standing at Adelaide on the left hand side and Paige and Mumsy were at the 500m to go mark on the right hand side. I was so excited to get there and see everyone!!!
I was blasting the song "I love it!" by Icona Pop (I know, I'm 29 going on 13) I love that song though and I don't care, so it was on repeat and I'm singing, again, out loud "I don't care! I love it!"!!! It totally pumped me up and got me through the 40th kilometre. When I hit 41km I really started to reflect on how far I had come, not only for the fact that I had just run 41km (holy shit!) but how far I've come in my life. It was 7 months ago to the day that my relationship ended. I coudn't help but realize that and then I found myself remembering where I was exactly 7 months ago. I was completely heartbroken, in extreme pain, wondering how I was ever going to make it through.... it sounds dramatic but I literally remember thinking 'How am I EVER going to get through this pain? Will I EVER feel okay again?' ... I didn't know, I honestly didn't know. Now, there I was, 1.2km away from finishing A MARATHON, in LOVE with myself more than I ever thought possible, truly the HAPPIEST I have been in YEARS!!! Tears of joy and pure gratitude starting streaming down my face and continued until the end of the run. My running coach, Cari, popped out at me when I had less than 1km to go and ran part of the way in with me, I thanked her so much for all that she had done for me, through tears. I am so grateful for her experience, strength and hope. It was so amazing to see her, shortly after she stopped running with me, I saw my Dad and Shane and I was thrilled!!! Then I saw Paige and I was thrilled. Right after seeing Paige, I saw the sign that said 500m to go and I could not believe my eyes. My Mum was waiting at the Finish Line for me. I didn't see her, because I was in a bubble by that point, but she saw me and took some great pics!
Next thing I knew, I was crossing the finish line.
I started bawling.
I did it!
My official time was 4:19:38. I ran the entire time. I couldn't be happier with the outcome.
This is what I wrote in my journal right after the run:
"Today will go down in history as one of the best, most spiritually connected days of my life. I am so beyond grateful for God and how He allowed me to run my first full marathon. I don't even know how I can put this experience into words. The level of connectedness I felt throughout the entire run was out of this world. It was a miracle. I completely surrender to God's will"
The moral of the story is: With God, ALL things really are possible :)
Love always,
Kylie
Wednesday 6 November 2013
Act or accept? Accept AND act.
To act or to accept?
I will be honest, at first thought, I believed this was a choice we needed to make in every situation. After further consideration however, I believe that acceptance and action go hand in hand.
First, I need to have an unconditional acceptance of what is, a daily surrender to God's will, if you will, then I need to act accordingly.
Sounds simple, right?
The complicated part is stepping out of the way. How do I do that? How do I hear God's will? How do I let go? Am I surrendering properly? It all comes down to faith and trust. Ask yourself, how much do you trust your true self? How much faith do you have in God (or whomever you choose to believe in)? Can you ask for guidence, LISTEN and then follow your intuition? Your gut feelings? Your God spot? We all have it in us. Will you trust it?
This was a struggle for me for years, I have always been very intuitive but acting on that inner knowledge was a completely different story. I NEVER took loving action. I denied my true self for YEARS. Plagued by fear. My true self was screaming to be heard but my ego was running the show. This lead me to accept all sorts of bullshit, to deny my dreams and to never think I was good enough. It caused me to be impulsive and to take unloving action. When my ego is in charge of my thoughts and actions, it's almost always aggressive, very unloving and something I regret doing later.
The good news is, it doesn't have to be that way. The moment we start taking LOVING action, the first time we listen to our gut feeling, the moment we start standing up for ourselves, the moment we start following our dreams and telling our egos to shut the fuck up, we start telling ourselves a different story. That we are worth it and that we can do it!! YOU can do ANYTHING you put your mind to when you are in alignment with GOD aka LOVE.
I have wanted to write for years, I have dabbled in blogging here and there but I ALWAYS let it fizzle because my ego said to me 'you'll never amount to anything' and I believed it! I currently want to write a book, but again, I find myself letting my ego (which is the voice of fear in my head) talk me out of it! Part of me moving into the solution and taking loving action is writing this blog right now. I didn't want to but I PROMISED myself I would. My ego is telling me this blog totally sucks but I'm going to publish it anyway!
I am giving myself a beautiful gift right now by WRITING AND PUBLISHING THIS BLOG ANYWAY. I am taking ACTION. I am changing my story. I am telling my ego to step aside.
I believe that being a peaceful observer of our thoughts and feelings is key to a happy life, and then from that place of unconditional acceptance we MUST take LOVING action to respect ourselves and honour God's plan for us.
It has been my experience that I ALWAYS know exactly what to do if I get quiet and listen for guidence from God and the Universe.
Can you tap into your Higher Power today and then take some LOVING action?
Ask God (or whoever/whatever you believe in) to help you set a goal today and then follow through, no matter what. Even if you really don't want to. Let's start writing a different story.
I am thankful for the ability to step into loving action today!
I trust myself!
THANK YOU for reading,
LOVE, Kylie
I will be honest, at first thought, I believed this was a choice we needed to make in every situation. After further consideration however, I believe that acceptance and action go hand in hand.
First, I need to have an unconditional acceptance of what is, a daily surrender to God's will, if you will, then I need to act accordingly.
Sounds simple, right?
The complicated part is stepping out of the way. How do I do that? How do I hear God's will? How do I let go? Am I surrendering properly? It all comes down to faith and trust. Ask yourself, how much do you trust your true self? How much faith do you have in God (or whomever you choose to believe in)? Can you ask for guidence, LISTEN and then follow your intuition? Your gut feelings? Your God spot? We all have it in us. Will you trust it?
This was a struggle for me for years, I have always been very intuitive but acting on that inner knowledge was a completely different story. I NEVER took loving action. I denied my true self for YEARS. Plagued by fear. My true self was screaming to be heard but my ego was running the show. This lead me to accept all sorts of bullshit, to deny my dreams and to never think I was good enough. It caused me to be impulsive and to take unloving action. When my ego is in charge of my thoughts and actions, it's almost always aggressive, very unloving and something I regret doing later.
The good news is, it doesn't have to be that way. The moment we start taking LOVING action, the first time we listen to our gut feeling, the moment we start standing up for ourselves, the moment we start following our dreams and telling our egos to shut the fuck up, we start telling ourselves a different story. That we are worth it and that we can do it!! YOU can do ANYTHING you put your mind to when you are in alignment with GOD aka LOVE.
I have wanted to write for years, I have dabbled in blogging here and there but I ALWAYS let it fizzle because my ego said to me 'you'll never amount to anything' and I believed it! I currently want to write a book, but again, I find myself letting my ego (which is the voice of fear in my head) talk me out of it! Part of me moving into the solution and taking loving action is writing this blog right now. I didn't want to but I PROMISED myself I would. My ego is telling me this blog totally sucks but I'm going to publish it anyway!
I am giving myself a beautiful gift right now by WRITING AND PUBLISHING THIS BLOG ANYWAY. I am taking ACTION. I am changing my story. I am telling my ego to step aside.
I believe that being a peaceful observer of our thoughts and feelings is key to a happy life, and then from that place of unconditional acceptance we MUST take LOVING action to respect ourselves and honour God's plan for us.
It has been my experience that I ALWAYS know exactly what to do if I get quiet and listen for guidence from God and the Universe.
Can you tap into your Higher Power today and then take some LOVING action?
Ask God (or whoever/whatever you believe in) to help you set a goal today and then follow through, no matter what. Even if you really don't want to. Let's start writing a different story.
I am thankful for the ability to step into loving action today!
I trust myself!
THANK YOU for reading,
LOVE, Kylie
Tuesday 29 October 2013
Happiness is a choice.
"Happiness is a choice. We either make ourselves miserable or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same" - FR
I read this quote for the first time over 3 years ago and it resonated with me right away. In fact, I memorized it after reading it once and used to repeat it to myself anytime my ego would try to make me miserable (even though I wasn't conciously aware back then of what I was doing or who my ego was, I was clearly on to something!) In every single moment, we have a choice to be happy and THAT is awesome.
More often than not now, I do succeed in choosing Love and happiness for myself. This has been no small task but the point is, it is possible if you want it and are willing to put in the work. I am very grateful that God sees fit for me to do this work on myself and my gratitude speaks for itself when I share what works for me, with you.
When a bad attitude creeps in, also known as, when I engage with my ego and allow it to take over, I KNOW what I am doing and I notice it almost immediately. I am actively working on returning to Love today, so when I choose to go against that, I really feel it. My spiritual practice is not perfect and sometimes my ego stills wins, yesterday was one of those days. I was ACTIVELY (key word, actively) choosing to engage in negative self talk and I had a horrible attitude, which in turn, caused me to have a horrible day! It wasn't because of anything outside of myself, although my ego did try to blame it on work sucking and me being tired. Maybe work did suck and I was tired but those are not excuses to hate my life! My negative thoughts started to spiral out of control (as they always do) until I was completely unlovable and destined to be alone for the rest of my life!!
Say hello to the drama Queen that is my ego!!
This sounds ridiculous (and it totally is) but the point is, it can happen to me if I choose to engage in the negative mind set that my ego wants me in. This is why I say, happiness is a choice. Thank God, 8 hours of being wretched was enough for me. I went home, took a nap and woke up to what felt like a fresh start! My ego still tried to pull me back down into the depths of despair, but I had had enough. I ACTIVELY chose to realign myself with God and do things according to His will for me. I went for a run (instead of ordering a large pizza) and I carried a message of hope to a bunch of beautiful women in a drug and alcohol treatment centre (instead of crying in bed with my large pizza) and, surprise surprise, I felt amazing afterwards. I had salvaged what was left of my day and I am now left with another CLEAR example of how my thoughts create my reality. I am also left with the hope that the next time I am tempted to choose misery, I will remember this and I will choose happiness instead. A great learning experience!!!
A Course In Miracles tells us that the ego wants to separate us from God. Since my ego can ONLY thrive in separation, it tries to keep me stuck there. Separation is not real. It is of the ego mind and it is something I have learned here. Now my job is to learn to return to Love (aka return to God)
Anytime I bring the darkness to Light, I am moving closer to God and I am healing myself and others around me.
"Enlightenment is not imagining figures of Light, it is making the dark concious" - Carl Jung
Bringing my egos 'tiny mad ideas' as the Course likes to call them, to Light and sharing them with YOU, helps me to LAUGH at the ridiculousness of it all and KNOW that my fears are NOT facts. Hence this blog and sharing with all of you how being tired and choosing to engage in negative thoughts lead to me being alone forever! (HAH!!)
It is all about bringing the crazy thoughts, ideas, beliefs and perceptions of the ego to the LIGHT.
If you're stuck with the egos tiny mad ideas ... I urge you to share today! Even if you feel silly telling someone about what you're thinking (I always do) I guarentee you'll feel better when you're laughing in the face of your ego. God's Light will shine through you if you let it. Love yourself and all those tiny mad ideas of the ego, and most importantly, forgive yourself immediately when you choose to listen to them.
"Forgiveness is the only sane response" - ACIM
Love, Kylie
xo
I read this quote for the first time over 3 years ago and it resonated with me right away. In fact, I memorized it after reading it once and used to repeat it to myself anytime my ego would try to make me miserable (even though I wasn't conciously aware back then of what I was doing or who my ego was, I was clearly on to something!) In every single moment, we have a choice to be happy and THAT is awesome.
More often than not now, I do succeed in choosing Love and happiness for myself. This has been no small task but the point is, it is possible if you want it and are willing to put in the work. I am very grateful that God sees fit for me to do this work on myself and my gratitude speaks for itself when I share what works for me, with you.
When a bad attitude creeps in, also known as, when I engage with my ego and allow it to take over, I KNOW what I am doing and I notice it almost immediately. I am actively working on returning to Love today, so when I choose to go against that, I really feel it. My spiritual practice is not perfect and sometimes my ego stills wins, yesterday was one of those days. I was ACTIVELY (key word, actively) choosing to engage in negative self talk and I had a horrible attitude, which in turn, caused me to have a horrible day! It wasn't because of anything outside of myself, although my ego did try to blame it on work sucking and me being tired. Maybe work did suck and I was tired but those are not excuses to hate my life! My negative thoughts started to spiral out of control (as they always do) until I was completely unlovable and destined to be alone for the rest of my life!!
Say hello to the drama Queen that is my ego!!
This sounds ridiculous (and it totally is) but the point is, it can happen to me if I choose to engage in the negative mind set that my ego wants me in. This is why I say, happiness is a choice. Thank God, 8 hours of being wretched was enough for me. I went home, took a nap and woke up to what felt like a fresh start! My ego still tried to pull me back down into the depths of despair, but I had had enough. I ACTIVELY chose to realign myself with God and do things according to His will for me. I went for a run (instead of ordering a large pizza) and I carried a message of hope to a bunch of beautiful women in a drug and alcohol treatment centre (instead of crying in bed with my large pizza) and, surprise surprise, I felt amazing afterwards. I had salvaged what was left of my day and I am now left with another CLEAR example of how my thoughts create my reality. I am also left with the hope that the next time I am tempted to choose misery, I will remember this and I will choose happiness instead. A great learning experience!!!
A Course In Miracles tells us that the ego wants to separate us from God. Since my ego can ONLY thrive in separation, it tries to keep me stuck there. Separation is not real. It is of the ego mind and it is something I have learned here. Now my job is to learn to return to Love (aka return to God)
Anytime I bring the darkness to Light, I am moving closer to God and I am healing myself and others around me.
"Enlightenment is not imagining figures of Light, it is making the dark concious" - Carl Jung
Bringing my egos 'tiny mad ideas' as the Course likes to call them, to Light and sharing them with YOU, helps me to LAUGH at the ridiculousness of it all and KNOW that my fears are NOT facts. Hence this blog and sharing with all of you how being tired and choosing to engage in negative thoughts lead to me being alone forever! (HAH!!)
It is all about bringing the crazy thoughts, ideas, beliefs and perceptions of the ego to the LIGHT.
If you're stuck with the egos tiny mad ideas ... I urge you to share today! Even if you feel silly telling someone about what you're thinking (I always do) I guarentee you'll feel better when you're laughing in the face of your ego. God's Light will shine through you if you let it. Love yourself and all those tiny mad ideas of the ego, and most importantly, forgive yourself immediately when you choose to listen to them.
"Forgiveness is the only sane response" - ACIM
Love, Kylie
xo
Friday 18 October 2013
Let LOVE prevail!
My focus over the past few weeks has been to return to love in all areas of my life. Being a peceful observer of my perceptions and my fears and moving forward with faith no matter what. This sounds like a simple concept and it certainly IS, although one that definitely requires a lot of time and effort, a level of diligence, if you will.
We all have times in our lives where our nasty egos try and sabotage us with fear and sometimes this can happen quite often. For me, fear has been coming up a lot lately and it's been fear of the future (and not getting what I want) fear of rejection and fear of being "imperfect". I'd say I've narrowed it down to those being my top 3 fears at the moment, which is pretty cool because now I get to focus on doing the work that needs to be done to replace those fears with love. (YAY!)
The way in which I turn my fear into love is through a concious contact with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. Your Higher Power can be WHATEVER you believe It to be. It can be God, the Universe, Nature, the Angels, Buddha, Allah or all of the above!! Whoever and whatever you choose or want to call it. My God is ever changing, and I also believe in the Angels, and Buddha and Nature and the Universe, come to think of it, I believe in it all! It literally does not matter. I cannot stress this enough. Believing in a Higher Power also in no way means you have to be or become super religious. I find that people often get confused and become panicked when I so freely refer to God in my every day life. Just because I believe that God is my best friend, does not mean that He has to be your best friend or that I'm religious, because personally, I'm not. Some people are though and that's awesome too. You find what works for you and roll with it. I LOVE God because for me, nothing else has EVER helped me to love MYSELF like my spiritual connection has. I've tried countless ways to relieve my fear and my pain and the only way I experience any kind of peace, is through prayer and meditation, that concious contact with God. I believe that with God, all things are possible. I've literally watched myself move through things that I NEVER THOUGHT I could get through, and probably wouldn't have been able to get through on my own. And that, for me, is a MIRACLE. It still takes my breath away.
I felt the need to share exactly how I move through my fears today after being attacked for what I believe in last night. This is the first time that someone has very openly critisized the way I live my life and it was very interesting to me, ESPECIALLY because I've been so focused on strengthening my spirutual connection lately to reside in a place of love at all times. This doesn't mean I am ever going to be able to eliminate fear, I just want to practice removing my true self from that fear and to remember that all fear comes from a place of ego and the ego is purely of the mind.
I create the fear.
Fear isn't real.
Danger, on the other hand, is real.
Fear is a liar.
We must remember the difference between the two. Danger and fear and completely different. I don't want you to ignore a dangerous situation because you're in la la love land, but I definitely want you to ignore those fear based beliefs that keep us stuck!
FEAR IS A LIAR. Don't forget this (and I won't either!)
I came into my spiritual practice almost 4 years ago, so of course, I haven't always been this way, in fact, I used to curse God's name and wonder why my life was the way it was. I was always playing the victim. The only time I would do any sort of praying, was when I was begging Him to save me from some awful situation I had put myself in or help me make sense of my so called "life" at that time. Hearing the negative opinion of this person last night only affirmed my belief in God further and made me see so clearly that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am so grateful for my relationship with God and my understanding and application of spiritual principles in my life today. I am grateful for the peace I am offered as a result of the work that I do on a daily basis, and I would not go back to the way it was for anything. I wouldn't change it either, because it got me to this moment.
Fear breeds hate and we have far too much of that in our world today. I challenge myself and all of us today, to pray for those who are lost, for those we don't necessarily like, for those who commit hate crimes, those who commit crimes in general, those who struggle daily with loving and accepting themselves, those who are addicted today and those who continue to judge others and live in fear. We need to practice Love no matter what. No matter who tries to hurt us, Love them anyway. The haters are the ones who need Love the MOST. That being said, I need to love myself the MOST when I am feeling fearful, and for ME, loving myself means turning inward and connecting to my Highest Self, through God.
Here's to living in peace and love, as it's written so beautifully in A COURSE IN MIRACLES;
"God knows you only in peace and that IS your reality".
Wishing you health, happiness and love today and always,
Kylie
XOXOXO
Today's Quote:
The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
We all have times in our lives where our nasty egos try and sabotage us with fear and sometimes this can happen quite often. For me, fear has been coming up a lot lately and it's been fear of the future (and not getting what I want) fear of rejection and fear of being "imperfect". I'd say I've narrowed it down to those being my top 3 fears at the moment, which is pretty cool because now I get to focus on doing the work that needs to be done to replace those fears with love. (YAY!)
The way in which I turn my fear into love is through a concious contact with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God. Your Higher Power can be WHATEVER you believe It to be. It can be God, the Universe, Nature, the Angels, Buddha, Allah or all of the above!! Whoever and whatever you choose or want to call it. My God is ever changing, and I also believe in the Angels, and Buddha and Nature and the Universe, come to think of it, I believe in it all! It literally does not matter. I cannot stress this enough. Believing in a Higher Power also in no way means you have to be or become super religious. I find that people often get confused and become panicked when I so freely refer to God in my every day life. Just because I believe that God is my best friend, does not mean that He has to be your best friend or that I'm religious, because personally, I'm not. Some people are though and that's awesome too. You find what works for you and roll with it. I LOVE God because for me, nothing else has EVER helped me to love MYSELF like my spiritual connection has. I've tried countless ways to relieve my fear and my pain and the only way I experience any kind of peace, is through prayer and meditation, that concious contact with God. I believe that with God, all things are possible. I've literally watched myself move through things that I NEVER THOUGHT I could get through, and probably wouldn't have been able to get through on my own. And that, for me, is a MIRACLE. It still takes my breath away.
I felt the need to share exactly how I move through my fears today after being attacked for what I believe in last night. This is the first time that someone has very openly critisized the way I live my life and it was very interesting to me, ESPECIALLY because I've been so focused on strengthening my spirutual connection lately to reside in a place of love at all times. This doesn't mean I am ever going to be able to eliminate fear, I just want to practice removing my true self from that fear and to remember that all fear comes from a place of ego and the ego is purely of the mind.
I create the fear.
Fear isn't real.
Danger, on the other hand, is real.
Fear is a liar.
We must remember the difference between the two. Danger and fear and completely different. I don't want you to ignore a dangerous situation because you're in la la love land, but I definitely want you to ignore those fear based beliefs that keep us stuck!
FEAR IS A LIAR. Don't forget this (and I won't either!)
I came into my spiritual practice almost 4 years ago, so of course, I haven't always been this way, in fact, I used to curse God's name and wonder why my life was the way it was. I was always playing the victim. The only time I would do any sort of praying, was when I was begging Him to save me from some awful situation I had put myself in or help me make sense of my so called "life" at that time. Hearing the negative opinion of this person last night only affirmed my belief in God further and made me see so clearly that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am so grateful for my relationship with God and my understanding and application of spiritual principles in my life today. I am grateful for the peace I am offered as a result of the work that I do on a daily basis, and I would not go back to the way it was for anything. I wouldn't change it either, because it got me to this moment.
Fear breeds hate and we have far too much of that in our world today. I challenge myself and all of us today, to pray for those who are lost, for those we don't necessarily like, for those who commit hate crimes, those who commit crimes in general, those who struggle daily with loving and accepting themselves, those who are addicted today and those who continue to judge others and live in fear. We need to practice Love no matter what. No matter who tries to hurt us, Love them anyway. The haters are the ones who need Love the MOST. That being said, I need to love myself the MOST when I am feeling fearful, and for ME, loving myself means turning inward and connecting to my Highest Self, through God.
Here's to living in peace and love, as it's written so beautifully in A COURSE IN MIRACLES;
"God knows you only in peace and that IS your reality".
Wishing you health, happiness and love today and always,
Kylie
XOXOXO
Today's Quote:
The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Friday 27 September 2013
Radical self acceptance.
Addiction is a very touchy subject for a lot of people, myself included. The topic of this blog was sparked by two events that have taken place at work over the past week (both having to do with addiction) and an awesome conversation with my therapist on perfectionism and idealistic thinking.
What makes up a flower? Ask yourself.
You have a seed and then you need fresh air, water, soil, sunshine, manure, worms, bugs....etc in order for the flower to grow. A flower is composed of all of these non-flower elements. Remove one and it would no longer be that flower. All the aspects by which a flower comes to be a flower have to be taken into consideration before we can admire the beauty that is said flower. A flower may look perfect and beautiful but it became that way through imperfection. So it really isn't perfect at all. Beautiful, yes. Perfect, no. Ponder that.
This week at work, my girlfriend and I decided we were giving up sugar. I truly believe that consuming lots of sugar in your diet is not good for you, but I also now know that I am not the kind of person that can cut it out completely (stay tuned for details below). It's such a beautiful thing when you open up and share with someone and realize you are not alone. I would have never guessed that my friend struggled with a "sugar addiction" much like I did, and when this happens and you realize you are not alone (which is actually quite often) I am always amazed. I wonder why I ever keep things to myself?? (then my mind quickly tells me that I have to tastefully share my thoughts and feelings because if I were to share everything, I would surely be thought of as insane) But would I really? Or would I help someone in the process of exposing my deepest, darkest secrets and fears? And why do I even care if other people would think of me as insane?
This reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from Alice in Wonderland between Alice and The Mad Hatter.
The Mad Hatter:
Have I gone mad?
Alice:
I'm afraid so, you're entierly bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Amen, Alice. Amen.
You may or may not know that I have had my struggles with substance abuse. It's true, I have. Which brings me to the second event of the week that sparked this blog; discussing addiction with co-workers in the lunch room. Scary. When I share the information with people at work that I identify myself as an addict (which is not very often at all) they are shocked and try to explain/justify my problems and addiction to me. Which is interesting. Just because I don't "look" like a "typical" addict (what does that even mean?) and I didn't lose anything external during my partying days, I didn't actually have a problem. Really?? I do identify myself as an addict and I am okay with that today. I held a lot of shame around it for a very long time. By the Grace of God, I have been a RECOVERING addict for a few years now and because of this lifestyle change I am constantly learning new things about myself, about other people and about addiction in general. Addiction to me, is a disease of the mind. It can manifest itself in many ways, but essentially it is anything that robs me of balance and takes me away from the natural flow of life. It is also something that will never go away. In my opinion, you are never fully recovered, you are, however, ALWAYS RECOVERING. I am always recovering.
The biggest challenge that I have always faced in my life is around acceptance. Which ties all of this together, addiction, restriction, the constant struggle to be perfect, it all stems from the fact that I have NEVER fully accepted myself. And I still don't. There. I said it. My low self-esteem and lack of self love kept me hating myself and in the grips of addiction for many years, it was a miserable existence to say the least. Now, having stepped away from substance abuse and leading a clean and sober life, my lack of self acceptance has created different addictions, sugar/food addiction, exercise addiction, shopping addiction, the list could go on...
Writing this blog is a step in the direction of the radical self acceptance that I have longed for my entire life. I hold the key to my own happiness, just like all of you reading this hold the key to yours. I don't want to be ashamed of my past anymore, I don't want to be ashamed at all. Ever. As long as I am not harming anyone, including myself, in the process of living my life, what is there really to be ashamed of? Just because I ate 4 pieces of ice cream cake last night, does that make me a bad person? No. Did I binge because I have been restricting sugar? Yes. Did I learn from the experience? Yes. I believe that honest sharing can start to shed some light on the situations we make bad and make them okay! The things we keep a secret and hide from the world only get worse when stuck inside, which perpetuates the cycle of guilt and shame, which will ultimately lead to lack of self acceptance and self love. Admitting my imperfection is the first step to accepting my imperfection and as soon as I accept that I am in fact, not perfect and no one is, radical self acceptance will start to manifest in my life.
What secret can you admint today? Let me or someone else know, you will probably really help someone out by getting honest (and you will definitely help yourself!)
My life is a journey towards love :) and I thank you very, very much for reading this and helping me out!
Love, Kylie
PS: Sometimes I smoke cigarettes. OMG as if I just admitted that. And I am also going to resist the urge to justify it. OMG. Are you judging me? Maybe you are. But that's okay. Because I am no longer judging myself.
Affirmation for today: I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
What makes up a flower? Ask yourself.
You have a seed and then you need fresh air, water, soil, sunshine, manure, worms, bugs....etc in order for the flower to grow. A flower is composed of all of these non-flower elements. Remove one and it would no longer be that flower. All the aspects by which a flower comes to be a flower have to be taken into consideration before we can admire the beauty that is said flower. A flower may look perfect and beautiful but it became that way through imperfection. So it really isn't perfect at all. Beautiful, yes. Perfect, no. Ponder that.
This week at work, my girlfriend and I decided we were giving up sugar. I truly believe that consuming lots of sugar in your diet is not good for you, but I also now know that I am not the kind of person that can cut it out completely (stay tuned for details below). It's such a beautiful thing when you open up and share with someone and realize you are not alone. I would have never guessed that my friend struggled with a "sugar addiction" much like I did, and when this happens and you realize you are not alone (which is actually quite often) I am always amazed. I wonder why I ever keep things to myself?? (then my mind quickly tells me that I have to tastefully share my thoughts and feelings because if I were to share everything, I would surely be thought of as insane) But would I really? Or would I help someone in the process of exposing my deepest, darkest secrets and fears? And why do I even care if other people would think of me as insane?
This reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from Alice in Wonderland between Alice and The Mad Hatter.
The Mad Hatter:
Have I gone mad?
Alice:
I'm afraid so, you're entierly bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Amen, Alice. Amen.
You may or may not know that I have had my struggles with substance abuse. It's true, I have. Which brings me to the second event of the week that sparked this blog; discussing addiction with co-workers in the lunch room. Scary. When I share the information with people at work that I identify myself as an addict (which is not very often at all) they are shocked and try to explain/justify my problems and addiction to me. Which is interesting. Just because I don't "look" like a "typical" addict (what does that even mean?) and I didn't lose anything external during my partying days, I didn't actually have a problem. Really?? I do identify myself as an addict and I am okay with that today. I held a lot of shame around it for a very long time. By the Grace of God, I have been a RECOVERING addict for a few years now and because of this lifestyle change I am constantly learning new things about myself, about other people and about addiction in general. Addiction to me, is a disease of the mind. It can manifest itself in many ways, but essentially it is anything that robs me of balance and takes me away from the natural flow of life. It is also something that will never go away. In my opinion, you are never fully recovered, you are, however, ALWAYS RECOVERING. I am always recovering.
The biggest challenge that I have always faced in my life is around acceptance. Which ties all of this together, addiction, restriction, the constant struggle to be perfect, it all stems from the fact that I have NEVER fully accepted myself. And I still don't. There. I said it. My low self-esteem and lack of self love kept me hating myself and in the grips of addiction for many years, it was a miserable existence to say the least. Now, having stepped away from substance abuse and leading a clean and sober life, my lack of self acceptance has created different addictions, sugar/food addiction, exercise addiction, shopping addiction, the list could go on...
Writing this blog is a step in the direction of the radical self acceptance that I have longed for my entire life. I hold the key to my own happiness, just like all of you reading this hold the key to yours. I don't want to be ashamed of my past anymore, I don't want to be ashamed at all. Ever. As long as I am not harming anyone, including myself, in the process of living my life, what is there really to be ashamed of? Just because I ate 4 pieces of ice cream cake last night, does that make me a bad person? No. Did I binge because I have been restricting sugar? Yes. Did I learn from the experience? Yes. I believe that honest sharing can start to shed some light on the situations we make bad and make them okay! The things we keep a secret and hide from the world only get worse when stuck inside, which perpetuates the cycle of guilt and shame, which will ultimately lead to lack of self acceptance and self love. Admitting my imperfection is the first step to accepting my imperfection and as soon as I accept that I am in fact, not perfect and no one is, radical self acceptance will start to manifest in my life.
What secret can you admint today? Let me or someone else know, you will probably really help someone out by getting honest (and you will definitely help yourself!)
My life is a journey towards love :) and I thank you very, very much for reading this and helping me out!
Love, Kylie
PS: Sometimes I smoke cigarettes. OMG as if I just admitted that. And I am also going to resist the urge to justify it. OMG. Are you judging me? Maybe you are. But that's okay. Because I am no longer judging myself.
Affirmation for today: I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Sunday 25 August 2013
Stop making yourself wrong.
If you're anything like me, you're on journey, a journey towards true love. Unconditional, head over heels, screaming from the rooftops, CRAZY LOVE ... do you know what I mean?
For me, this true love journey is all about SELF-LOVE. I'm falling more and more in love with myself every damn day and I could not be happier about it.
Self-love has been a struggle for me my ENTIRE LIFE. I've overcome some major adversity and I am so proud of myself for that but I can definitely still berate myself with negative self-talk, and never feeling good enough has kept me in a very unhealthy place, striving for 'perfection'. I've always been ready to torture my body, mind and soul. Yuck! Whether it be with the hottest 'diet', over-exercising, reading self-help books until I feel completely useless, judging my spiritual relationship with the God of my understanding, or comparing myself to others. It's all an exhausting nightmare.
If what I really want most in my life is to be authentically in love with myself then it's simple: I need to start loving ALL of me. That means I don't only deserve love SOMETIMES, I deserve love ALL of the time. I don't ONLY deserve love when I drink green juice, run and practice yoga. I deserve love when I sit on the couch and watch back to back episodes of Dexter, while eating chips. I don't ONLY deserve love when I've sat in meditation for an hour, journaled and connected to the God of my understanding, I deserve love when I wake up in weird mood and don't feel like doing ANY of those things. I deserve love all of the time and so do you.
The trick to this loving yourself all the time thing, I think, is to stop making ourselves wrong. Get rid of those rules in your head. There isn't a set list of things to do in order to be happy. Happiness is unconditional acceptance of all that we are, of the good and the bad, the fear, the uncertainty, the coping mechanisms, etc... ACCEPT and LOVE EVERYTHING about yourself and you will be happy because you'll never be beating yourself up about something that you've deemed "wrong".
Embrace your humanness. Embrace your imperfection and just be. Listen to your heart, talk to your heart, talk to your body and do what you're guided to do. Trust that it will ALWAYS be the right thing for you, at that time. Whether it makes you feel amazing or teaches you a lesson, it will always be right.
It's been my experience thus far that when I tell myself I am allowed to eat or do whatever I want, making nothing "wrong", I choose the food and activities that are in alignment with my highest self. It's really magical and so, so simple.
Here's to unconditional love and acceptance :)
Love, Kylie
xoxoxo
For me, this true love journey is all about SELF-LOVE. I'm falling more and more in love with myself every damn day and I could not be happier about it.
Self-love has been a struggle for me my ENTIRE LIFE. I've overcome some major adversity and I am so proud of myself for that but I can definitely still berate myself with negative self-talk, and never feeling good enough has kept me in a very unhealthy place, striving for 'perfection'. I've always been ready to torture my body, mind and soul. Yuck! Whether it be with the hottest 'diet', over-exercising, reading self-help books until I feel completely useless, judging my spiritual relationship with the God of my understanding, or comparing myself to others. It's all an exhausting nightmare.
If what I really want most in my life is to be authentically in love with myself then it's simple: I need to start loving ALL of me. That means I don't only deserve love SOMETIMES, I deserve love ALL of the time. I don't ONLY deserve love when I drink green juice, run and practice yoga. I deserve love when I sit on the couch and watch back to back episodes of Dexter, while eating chips. I don't ONLY deserve love when I've sat in meditation for an hour, journaled and connected to the God of my understanding, I deserve love when I wake up in weird mood and don't feel like doing ANY of those things. I deserve love all of the time and so do you.
The trick to this loving yourself all the time thing, I think, is to stop making ourselves wrong. Get rid of those rules in your head. There isn't a set list of things to do in order to be happy. Happiness is unconditional acceptance of all that we are, of the good and the bad, the fear, the uncertainty, the coping mechanisms, etc... ACCEPT and LOVE EVERYTHING about yourself and you will be happy because you'll never be beating yourself up about something that you've deemed "wrong".
Embrace your humanness. Embrace your imperfection and just be. Listen to your heart, talk to your heart, talk to your body and do what you're guided to do. Trust that it will ALWAYS be the right thing for you, at that time. Whether it makes you feel amazing or teaches you a lesson, it will always be right.
It's been my experience thus far that when I tell myself I am allowed to eat or do whatever I want, making nothing "wrong", I choose the food and activities that are in alignment with my highest self. It's really magical and so, so simple.
Here's to unconditional love and acceptance :)
Love, Kylie
xoxoxo
Monday 29 July 2013
Oil pulling, my morning happiness!
My very first blog post is dedicated to something that has become a FAVOURITE part of my morning happiness routine. It's called oil pulling. An ancient Ayurvedic technique that has been around for centuries. I first heard about this magical practice from my girl, Katie over at the Wellness Wonderland and I knew I had to try it.
Basically, what it is, is swishing oil around in your mouth for 5-20 minutes. Sounds weird, right? It was definitely an interesting experience putting a tablespoon of oil in my mouth for the first time but you quickly get used to it - trust me!!
Basically, what it is, is swishing oil around in your mouth for 5-20 minutes. Sounds weird, right? It was definitely an interesting experience putting a tablespoon of oil in my mouth for the first time but you quickly get used to it - trust me!!
So take a tablespoon of the organic, cold pressed oil of your choice, I like coconut oil because it tastes yummy. Then swish it around in your mouth first thing in the morning! This practice detoxifies your mouth!! It pulls all the bacteria, toxins and parasites out, leaving you with fresher breath, whiter teeth, stronger gums and even clearer skin (plus much, much more) Who doesn't want all those things? Amazing! Get oil pulling today! I'm doing it right now... are you?
Note: when you're done with your chosen oil pulling time (work up to 20 minutes if this practice seems too crazy to handle. Just start slowly with 5, then go to 10, and so on, to get used to it. I jumped right in with 20, but that's me - LOL)
Anyway, make sure to rinse your mouth out with warm salt water, we don't want any pesky bacteria left lingering, then brush your teeth (preferably with a toothbrush designated for your oil pulling routine)
For more information on oil pulling, go here: why you should start oil pulling TODAY!
Happy detoxing!!!
LOVE, Kylie
XOXO
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