Joy is defined as: "a feeling of great pleasure and happiness"
Isn't that what we all want?? Great pleasure and happiness? Of course!! How do we experience this? And is it possible to live in a perpetual state of joy? Of course!! The issue we must first tackle is the voice of fear inside our heads. That voice that tells us we are not good enough, not smart enough, not experienced enough, etc....The voice of fear in my head tells me that I can't write because I don't have anything NEW to say, that I've said it all before. The truth is living a spiritual life is very simple. There aren't a million and one rules that need to be followed in order to experience the ultimate joy. All we have to do is lovingly be here now. And take action in the direction of our dreams.
I was watching an interview on OWN with Oprah and Deepak Chopra last night, and Deepak stated that the single most valuble lesson that he has learned over his 40+ year spiritual career is to be here now. He then went on to say that the person that is in front of you in this very moment is the most important person in your life and the best way you can plan for your future is to be present in this moment and everything will fall into place.
Amazing!
So, although I already knew that it is of the utmost importance to stay present, hearing it AGAIN, in a slighly different way really helped me.
Then I got to thinking, why do I allow my fear to tell me that I've already shared all I need to share on the topic of living a spiritually fit life? If I can be totally moved by hearing something I've heard a million times, surely my writing may help someone too, whether they've heard it before or not. We are all here to share our unique talents and gifts with the world - to serve others in the way that we know how. We are here to do the things we feel passionate about, and by staying present and grounded in this moment, I am able to hear my intuition speaking to me and by listening to my intuition and taking action, I am able to experience joy.
Life is all about the action. We must take action in the direction of our dreams. I can't just sit around and hope to have a successful spiritual business by doing nothing. So here I am, taking action in this moment towards my dreams and I feel pure bliss!
I am so grateful to always be a happy learner and to me, gratitude is an action word! I am learning how to embrace my imperfections and I am also learning how to embrace the parts of myself that I think are really awesome! By writing about my experience, I am putting my gratitude into action! When I am staying true to myself and expressing my authenticity without fear of being judged - I experience joy and I am able to help others, through helping others I help myself and when I am helping myself, I am more open and receptive to love and to BE LOVED.
Be. Here. Now.
I challenge you today, in whatever you are doing, to be fully present in that task, trust that it is exactly where you're supposed to be and trust that every single person we encounter in our day is part of God's plan for us.
Remembering that allows me to be kind and loving.
If my heart is closed and I am living in the past or the future, I am cutting off my connection to the Divine order of this life.
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart,
I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains,
I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel"
- Maya Angelou
If you catch yourself living in the past or obsessing about the future, stop what you're doing and take 5 DEEP breaths, in through your nose and our through your mouth. You'll be surprised at how effective this is! I know I was. Focusing on the breath will bring you back to the present moment where all is well and you are Love. Some days you may have to practice grounding yourself quite often, do not be discouraged. It's all part of the learning experience and it's worth it - trust me.
Sending light and love,
Kylie
Tuesday, 26 August 2014
Thursday, 17 April 2014
Too busy?
First of all, I need to thank my friend, Rebecca, for inspiring me to write this blog today. I have been thinking about writing a lot lately - this morning I finally prayed for the willingness, and go figure, God gave me exactly what I needed :) Thank you!!
I often find myself saying that I am too busy to write (and it is obviously very easy for me to buy into that) I am also too busy to read, I am too busy to meditate, I am even too busy to pray....what's interesting is that writing, reading, meditating and praying are all things that I REALLY enjoy doing and all of these things make my life significantly better! Why then, does my mind try and talk me out of doing said things?
One word: EGO.
The ego mind.
I define my 'ego' as the part of my brain that wants to edge God out. It is the part of my brain that is stuck in fear. That fear based thinking comes from what I have learned here on earth, it is all of my deep rooted beliefs, the nonsense that I have been actively choosing to believe in or about myself for YEARS. Some of my deep rooted beliefs are: I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or fun enough, money defines happiness and success as a human being and I must appear to have it all together, at all times. Ahhhh!!
Thank GOD none of that is actually true!!!!
What are your fear based beliefs? I would encourage you to make a list of your top 5-10 fears. Awareness is the first step to change!!!
I believe it is now my (our) job to actively turn that fear into love, which is by definition, a miracle.
"A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love" - A Course In Miracles
So, first comes the awareness, then comes the choice. Sometimes we are going to have to actively choose to surrender multiple times a day. It is through that DAILY practice of surrender that I cultivate authentic happiness. It is those times when I choose love over fear that I am living according to God's will for me. I do this by writing. I do this by praying. I do this by reading. I do this by meditating.
The amazing news is, we ALWAYS have a choice. In each moment we choose. So don't panic if you've been choosing fear, forgive yourself immediately and ask for help to see things differently. A beautiful tool that I leanred from Gabrielle Bernstein's "May Cause Miracles" is anytime you catch yourself engaging in a fear based thought, say to yourself "I am willing to see things differently, I am willing to see love instead" Instant relief!
The next time I hear my ego trying to tell me I am "too busy" to do the things that make me happy, I am going to also remember Gabrielle Bernstein's genius response to that statement, which is -- "do you have time to feel like shit??"
Thanks, Rebecca, thanks Gabby, thanks A Course In Miracles, and most importantly, thank you God, for bringing these wonderful women and books into my world so that I can choose love today.
What are the things that you LOVE to do that your ego is telling you you're too busy for? Make a list and DO THEM. Choose love. Choose happiness.
"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God" -ACIM
Love, Kylie
xo
I often find myself saying that I am too busy to write (and it is obviously very easy for me to buy into that) I am also too busy to read, I am too busy to meditate, I am even too busy to pray....what's interesting is that writing, reading, meditating and praying are all things that I REALLY enjoy doing and all of these things make my life significantly better! Why then, does my mind try and talk me out of doing said things?
One word: EGO.
The ego mind.
I define my 'ego' as the part of my brain that wants to edge God out. It is the part of my brain that is stuck in fear. That fear based thinking comes from what I have learned here on earth, it is all of my deep rooted beliefs, the nonsense that I have been actively choosing to believe in or about myself for YEARS. Some of my deep rooted beliefs are: I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or fun enough, money defines happiness and success as a human being and I must appear to have it all together, at all times. Ahhhh!!
Thank GOD none of that is actually true!!!!
What are your fear based beliefs? I would encourage you to make a list of your top 5-10 fears. Awareness is the first step to change!!!
I believe it is now my (our) job to actively turn that fear into love, which is by definition, a miracle.
"A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love" - A Course In Miracles
So, first comes the awareness, then comes the choice. Sometimes we are going to have to actively choose to surrender multiple times a day. It is through that DAILY practice of surrender that I cultivate authentic happiness. It is those times when I choose love over fear that I am living according to God's will for me. I do this by writing. I do this by praying. I do this by reading. I do this by meditating.
The amazing news is, we ALWAYS have a choice. In each moment we choose. So don't panic if you've been choosing fear, forgive yourself immediately and ask for help to see things differently. A beautiful tool that I leanred from Gabrielle Bernstein's "May Cause Miracles" is anytime you catch yourself engaging in a fear based thought, say to yourself "I am willing to see things differently, I am willing to see love instead" Instant relief!
The next time I hear my ego trying to tell me I am "too busy" to do the things that make me happy, I am going to also remember Gabrielle Bernstein's genius response to that statement, which is -- "do you have time to feel like shit??"
Thanks, Rebecca, thanks Gabby, thanks A Course In Miracles, and most importantly, thank you God, for bringing these wonderful women and books into my world so that I can choose love today.
What are the things that you LOVE to do that your ego is telling you you're too busy for? Make a list and DO THEM. Choose love. Choose happiness.
"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God" -ACIM
Love, Kylie
xo
Sunday, 26 January 2014
There is strength in your unhappiness.
I believe that we are all Divinely guided, every situation, emotion or thought that we encounter on a daily basis is being brought to us by the Creator in order to teach us a lesson.
This weekend has been a journey of self discovery, so much so, that I feel compelled to share about it on my blog. I believe the past few weeks have been preparing me for what was to come, looking back, I see it so clearly. A lot of my girls are going through break ups right now and they have been calling on me for my experience, strength and hope in going through mine. There have been many nights spent talking and reminiscing on the events surrounding the end of my relationship and what I have done to move through it with Grace and dignity. I have caught myself numerous times feeling sadness while talking about my break up, but I immediately dismiss it and reaffirm to myself that I am okay.
SO, on Friday night when I unpexectedly bumped into my ex boyfriend and felt a rush of extreme sadness, I was like "what the fuck?? WHY?" We have seen each other a couple of times since we broke up, and I have been FINE, that being said, the two times prior to Fridays enounter I was completely prepared for, I knew I was going to see him so I was able to arm myself with every spiritual tool known to man. This past Friday, he popped up out of nowhere and I was really caught off guard and, like I said, started to experience some major pain. As this is happening, my ego is saying to me "come on you loser, get over it, it's been 10 months, you should not care, you are sooo weak" and my spiritual voice is saying to me "it's okay, you know what to do, just change your thoughts, focus on something positive, stop thinking about him and you can turn this all around" ... as I observed my thoughts, I realized that both of these dominant voices in my head were all wrong, neither thought was what I needed to be telling myself at all!
I am a FIRM believer in positive affirmations and the fact that our thoughts create our reality, and there is 100% always time for affirmations, but what I recognized in this instant was, throughout the duration of my breakup, I had been SO focused on changing my thoughts to positive ones that I was NOT allowing myself to sit with any sort of pain, therefore, I was actually numbing myself out and blocking the feelings I needed to feel. How did I expect that I was "supposed" to be healed after 10 months when I NEVER allowed the pain to surface?
It was a revelation!!
In order to heal, we need to feel. This means we need to GET HONEST with ourselves and stop trying to act like everything is okay.
So for the remainder of the night on Friday and all day and night on Saturday, I cried and cried... I thought about my ex as a person, I thought about our relationship, I remembered the good times and I became present in the extreme pain that I was in, I became present in the hurt and the sadness and the betrayal that I felt surrounding the end of my relationship. And I just sat with it.
I just sat with it. That's it. And I was SO uncomfortable, there were many moments where I wanted to do ANYTHING to get outside of myself, such as eat junk food, e-mail my ex, text other men for validation that I was okay, exercise all day - just to name a few things. But instead, I just sat with it. I sat in silence. I became present with myself in my unhappiness. A vital part of healing that I had yet to allow myself to experience.
I am in no way putting myself down for not allowing myself to feel the pain, I did the best that I could with what I had, as I know we ALL do in times of heartache. I am so grateful that God saw fit to put my ex in my life on Friday night as it allowed me to really embrace the pain and not try to change it. Although initially, I was so upset and wondering why I had to see him, now I understand that God knew why. God knew that it was high time that I become present in my unhappiness, I needed this in order to further heal.
Waking up today, on Sunday morning, my world feels like a new place and I feel like a new person. I not only believe that I am being Divinely guided. I have a deep sense of knowing that God is here with me and I am SO grateful.
If you are dealing with any unhappiness today, can you allow yourself to become present with it? We need to feel our pain in order to move through it and heal it. And we are ALL strong enough to do this.
How can you deeply and completely love and accept of yourself today? I learned, through the course of this weekend that it is perfectly okay for me to still be hurt. Matters of the heart take time to heal, and I no longer need to pretend that I am never sad.
The truth is, I am happier than I've ever been in my life today, but that doesn't mean that sadness can't creep in, and instead of shaming myself for that, I choose to embrace it! I know that today, because of my daily spiritual practices, that I am being guided and God does not lead me to any situation that I am not capable of being in.
Here's to finding strength in our unhappiness.
Sending love & light on this beautiful, snowy Sunday.
Love, Kylie
xo
This weekend has been a journey of self discovery, so much so, that I feel compelled to share about it on my blog. I believe the past few weeks have been preparing me for what was to come, looking back, I see it so clearly. A lot of my girls are going through break ups right now and they have been calling on me for my experience, strength and hope in going through mine. There have been many nights spent talking and reminiscing on the events surrounding the end of my relationship and what I have done to move through it with Grace and dignity. I have caught myself numerous times feeling sadness while talking about my break up, but I immediately dismiss it and reaffirm to myself that I am okay.
SO, on Friday night when I unpexectedly bumped into my ex boyfriend and felt a rush of extreme sadness, I was like "what the fuck?? WHY?" We have seen each other a couple of times since we broke up, and I have been FINE, that being said, the two times prior to Fridays enounter I was completely prepared for, I knew I was going to see him so I was able to arm myself with every spiritual tool known to man. This past Friday, he popped up out of nowhere and I was really caught off guard and, like I said, started to experience some major pain. As this is happening, my ego is saying to me "come on you loser, get over it, it's been 10 months, you should not care, you are sooo weak" and my spiritual voice is saying to me "it's okay, you know what to do, just change your thoughts, focus on something positive, stop thinking about him and you can turn this all around" ... as I observed my thoughts, I realized that both of these dominant voices in my head were all wrong, neither thought was what I needed to be telling myself at all!
I am a FIRM believer in positive affirmations and the fact that our thoughts create our reality, and there is 100% always time for affirmations, but what I recognized in this instant was, throughout the duration of my breakup, I had been SO focused on changing my thoughts to positive ones that I was NOT allowing myself to sit with any sort of pain, therefore, I was actually numbing myself out and blocking the feelings I needed to feel. How did I expect that I was "supposed" to be healed after 10 months when I NEVER allowed the pain to surface?
It was a revelation!!
In order to heal, we need to feel. This means we need to GET HONEST with ourselves and stop trying to act like everything is okay.
So for the remainder of the night on Friday and all day and night on Saturday, I cried and cried... I thought about my ex as a person, I thought about our relationship, I remembered the good times and I became present in the extreme pain that I was in, I became present in the hurt and the sadness and the betrayal that I felt surrounding the end of my relationship. And I just sat with it.
I just sat with it. That's it. And I was SO uncomfortable, there were many moments where I wanted to do ANYTHING to get outside of myself, such as eat junk food, e-mail my ex, text other men for validation that I was okay, exercise all day - just to name a few things. But instead, I just sat with it. I sat in silence. I became present with myself in my unhappiness. A vital part of healing that I had yet to allow myself to experience.
I am in no way putting myself down for not allowing myself to feel the pain, I did the best that I could with what I had, as I know we ALL do in times of heartache. I am so grateful that God saw fit to put my ex in my life on Friday night as it allowed me to really embrace the pain and not try to change it. Although initially, I was so upset and wondering why I had to see him, now I understand that God knew why. God knew that it was high time that I become present in my unhappiness, I needed this in order to further heal.
Waking up today, on Sunday morning, my world feels like a new place and I feel like a new person. I not only believe that I am being Divinely guided. I have a deep sense of knowing that God is here with me and I am SO grateful.
If you are dealing with any unhappiness today, can you allow yourself to become present with it? We need to feel our pain in order to move through it and heal it. And we are ALL strong enough to do this.
How can you deeply and completely love and accept of yourself today? I learned, through the course of this weekend that it is perfectly okay for me to still be hurt. Matters of the heart take time to heal, and I no longer need to pretend that I am never sad.
The truth is, I am happier than I've ever been in my life today, but that doesn't mean that sadness can't creep in, and instead of shaming myself for that, I choose to embrace it! I know that today, because of my daily spiritual practices, that I am being guided and God does not lead me to any situation that I am not capable of being in.
Here's to finding strength in our unhappiness.
Sending love & light on this beautiful, snowy Sunday.
Love, Kylie
xo
Monday, 30 December 2013
BE your true self!
In the final few days of 2013, I find myself in a place of reflection. I catch myself each day thinking 'on this day last year I was....' (fill in the blank). I am amazed at the changes that have taken place in my life over the last year, all of which came as a direct result of taking the appropriate ACTION to live in alignment with the woman I truly am.
I set the intention last year at this time to move into action in the area of my spiritual practice. I was reading all the spiritual blogs, tons of self help books, and acquiring a wealth of knowledge on spirituality and the topics I was interested in, but I was doing nothing with the information I was learning. I was living from a complete and total place of fear. In fact, I was paralyzed by that fear. Sure, I knew a ton about how to become peaceful and happy (my main tools today are: prayer, meditation, positive affirmations and journaling) I also knew exactly what I needed to do (end my relationship) - but was I doing any of it? No. Way.
It thrills me to report today that I did it! And by 'it' I mean I threw myself into action, I faced my biggest fear (being alone) and started to develop MY spiritual practice (through prayer, meditation, positive affirmations and journaling) and I have grown immensely over the last year as a result. I am so excited to share this experience and to set my intentions for the New Year because I learned first hand that with ACTION, commitment and living in alignment with your true self, change will occur. And it will be for the better.
What this new year represents for me are new opportunities to embrace the woman I ALREADY am. I am already 100% spiritual (and so are you). What we need to do is accept that (surrender) and move through the blocks that are in the way of us accessing that place of complete peace and serenity. I am not planning on making a list of new years resolutions, but rather an action plan for the year ahead. I am going to further commit to discovering ALL of me through my DAILY practices. It is about having that willingness to move through any darkness, move through that fear, make that commitment to yourself and follow through with the appropriate action, no matter what.
"First say to yourself what would you be; and then do what you have to do" -Epictetus
I would take the above noted quote one step further and instead of asking myself what I WOULD be; I will connect with my soul and understand that I already AM that person, I just need to move into that role by taking the appropriate action.
It's a beautiful and comforting feeling to know that within each one of us is a soul and God put us on this earth so we could fulfill our highest potentials.
What are you waiting for?
3 steps to take in the next couple of days are:
1) Get CLEAR on what you want for yourself and write it down. Do as Epictetus says, ask yourself who you want to be (who you really are), also ask yourself how you want to feel. Set the intentions.
2) Come up with an action plan. What steps will you take? What are the things that you can do each day to be more in alignment with your true self? How are you going to achieve your desired results? Remember, the power is within you and this plan is unique to you.
3) FORGIVE yourself IMMEDIATELY if (and when) you take steps backwards, or act in a way that is not in alignment with your highest self. We are human, and everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn (so I would not even call it a "mistake" at all) the most important thing to do when faced with a "mistake" is to forgive, forgive, forgive. It is of absolutely no use to beat yourself up, learn from it, and do better next time. Holding any resentments against ourselves is poison. God forgives us everything, we can do the same.
So, what are your intentions? I would love to hear!!!!
I wish you all nothing but LOVE in the year to come, I hope that you honour yourselves and TAKE ACTION towards being who you were put on this earth to be!!!
Happy New Year!!!!!!
Love, Kylie
XO
Affirmation for the day/week/month: I am supported!
I set the intention last year at this time to move into action in the area of my spiritual practice. I was reading all the spiritual blogs, tons of self help books, and acquiring a wealth of knowledge on spirituality and the topics I was interested in, but I was doing nothing with the information I was learning. I was living from a complete and total place of fear. In fact, I was paralyzed by that fear. Sure, I knew a ton about how to become peaceful and happy (my main tools today are: prayer, meditation, positive affirmations and journaling) I also knew exactly what I needed to do (end my relationship) - but was I doing any of it? No. Way.
It thrills me to report today that I did it! And by 'it' I mean I threw myself into action, I faced my biggest fear (being alone) and started to develop MY spiritual practice (through prayer, meditation, positive affirmations and journaling) and I have grown immensely over the last year as a result. I am so excited to share this experience and to set my intentions for the New Year because I learned first hand that with ACTION, commitment and living in alignment with your true self, change will occur. And it will be for the better.
What this new year represents for me are new opportunities to embrace the woman I ALREADY am. I am already 100% spiritual (and so are you). What we need to do is accept that (surrender) and move through the blocks that are in the way of us accessing that place of complete peace and serenity. I am not planning on making a list of new years resolutions, but rather an action plan for the year ahead. I am going to further commit to discovering ALL of me through my DAILY practices. It is about having that willingness to move through any darkness, move through that fear, make that commitment to yourself and follow through with the appropriate action, no matter what.
"First say to yourself what would you be; and then do what you have to do" -Epictetus
I would take the above noted quote one step further and instead of asking myself what I WOULD be; I will connect with my soul and understand that I already AM that person, I just need to move into that role by taking the appropriate action.
It's a beautiful and comforting feeling to know that within each one of us is a soul and God put us on this earth so we could fulfill our highest potentials.
What are you waiting for?
3 steps to take in the next couple of days are:
1) Get CLEAR on what you want for yourself and write it down. Do as Epictetus says, ask yourself who you want to be (who you really are), also ask yourself how you want to feel. Set the intentions.
2) Come up with an action plan. What steps will you take? What are the things that you can do each day to be more in alignment with your true self? How are you going to achieve your desired results? Remember, the power is within you and this plan is unique to you.
3) FORGIVE yourself IMMEDIATELY if (and when) you take steps backwards, or act in a way that is not in alignment with your highest self. We are human, and everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn (so I would not even call it a "mistake" at all) the most important thing to do when faced with a "mistake" is to forgive, forgive, forgive. It is of absolutely no use to beat yourself up, learn from it, and do better next time. Holding any resentments against ourselves is poison. God forgives us everything, we can do the same.
So, what are your intentions? I would love to hear!!!!
I wish you all nothing but LOVE in the year to come, I hope that you honour yourselves and TAKE ACTION towards being who you were put on this earth to be!!!
Happy New Year!!!!!!
Love, Kylie
XO
Affirmation for the day/week/month: I am supported!
Friday, 6 December 2013
Stop trying to change what God created.
What makes you happy?
For me, I'm authentically happy when I'm practicing acceptance. It's that simple. Yet I am STILL constantly trying to CHANGE myself in order to be healthier or more spiritual. Nothing is ever good enough. What's up with that??
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to better yourself, AS LONG as it is to become a more authentic version of exactly who YOU are.
This is where I sometimes get confused.
In this day and age we are absolutely inundated with social media. I am not very techonologically savvy but I do know how to use Facebook and Instagram and I will admit, I love them both. That being said, there is a flip side to that love and that is the constant comparison and feelings of not being good enough that come along with it. I follow a lot of super healthy people, spiritual healers and authors and I LOVE and respect them all, but being human, I can compare. My ego compares my life to what I see on the internet and this is a recipe for disaster.
There was a point in my life where I was waking up at 4 in the morning to complete my list of 10+ things that I "HAD" to do in the morning in order to make myself a successful human being. Eventually when this became way too much for me to handle, I took a few things off the list and then a few more and eventually I stopped doing everything I had on that list all together. I then proceeded to beat myself up for not having a super healthy, super spiritual, "perfect" morning routine.
I have been struggling with the negative self talk and feelings of inadequacy for quite some time now as I've been "off" my "perfect" morning routine for a while, or so I thought. It wasn't until a good friend shared his beautiful experience with me that I realized I DO have a morning routine!
Maybe it doesn't involve doing 10 things before I even step into the shower, but it's MINE. It is simple and relaxing, it is also ever changing. Rigidity doesn't work for me and I need to remember that (as I always try and MAKE it work) Currently, I wake up, drink a glass of water, tell myself I love myself in the mirror, say a prayer from ACIM, shower, make my bed, take my vitamins and eat breakfast. Super NORMAL and simple!!! I don't even meditate in the morning right now because I would rather sleep as much as I can. I admit it. And it's okay because TODAY I am the closest I've ever been to my authentic self and today, THAT is what I need to be in order to be happy. (Note: I DO meditate, it's very important to me, just not first thing)
My struggles with inadequacy and uneasiness come up in many different areas of my life, my morning routine being just one example, I assure you that surrender and unconditional acceptance are actions I practice every single day.
It is essential for me to accept myself exactly as I am and to accept those in my life exactly as they are.
Constantly striving for change leaves me no time to ENJOY the life I have and the person I am becoming.
Letting go and allowing GOD to work His magic is the key.
I vow to STOP trying to change what God created.
How can you accept yourself today?
Do you have a fun morning routine?
I would love to hear about it!!
Kylie
For me, I'm authentically happy when I'm practicing acceptance. It's that simple. Yet I am STILL constantly trying to CHANGE myself in order to be healthier or more spiritual. Nothing is ever good enough. What's up with that??
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to better yourself, AS LONG as it is to become a more authentic version of exactly who YOU are.
This is where I sometimes get confused.
In this day and age we are absolutely inundated with social media. I am not very techonologically savvy but I do know how to use Facebook and Instagram and I will admit, I love them both. That being said, there is a flip side to that love and that is the constant comparison and feelings of not being good enough that come along with it. I follow a lot of super healthy people, spiritual healers and authors and I LOVE and respect them all, but being human, I can compare. My ego compares my life to what I see on the internet and this is a recipe for disaster.
There was a point in my life where I was waking up at 4 in the morning to complete my list of 10+ things that I "HAD" to do in the morning in order to make myself a successful human being. Eventually when this became way too much for me to handle, I took a few things off the list and then a few more and eventually I stopped doing everything I had on that list all together. I then proceeded to beat myself up for not having a super healthy, super spiritual, "perfect" morning routine.
I have been struggling with the negative self talk and feelings of inadequacy for quite some time now as I've been "off" my "perfect" morning routine for a while, or so I thought. It wasn't until a good friend shared his beautiful experience with me that I realized I DO have a morning routine!
Maybe it doesn't involve doing 10 things before I even step into the shower, but it's MINE. It is simple and relaxing, it is also ever changing. Rigidity doesn't work for me and I need to remember that (as I always try and MAKE it work) Currently, I wake up, drink a glass of water, tell myself I love myself in the mirror, say a prayer from ACIM, shower, make my bed, take my vitamins and eat breakfast. Super NORMAL and simple!!! I don't even meditate in the morning right now because I would rather sleep as much as I can. I admit it. And it's okay because TODAY I am the closest I've ever been to my authentic self and today, THAT is what I need to be in order to be happy. (Note: I DO meditate, it's very important to me, just not first thing)
My struggles with inadequacy and uneasiness come up in many different areas of my life, my morning routine being just one example, I assure you that surrender and unconditional acceptance are actions I practice every single day.
It is essential for me to accept myself exactly as I am and to accept those in my life exactly as they are.
Constantly striving for change leaves me no time to ENJOY the life I have and the person I am becoming.
Letting go and allowing GOD to work His magic is the key.
I vow to STOP trying to change what God created.
How can you accept yourself today?
Do you have a fun morning routine?
I would love to hear about it!!
Kylie
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
FEEL the fear ... and do it anyway.
Fear.
What a pal. I just love it.
I know we all experience different fears in our lives and sometimes they can be very unmanageable, my goal today is to help you understand that fear really doesn't have to be scary at all.
One of the greatest things I have ever learned is to love fear. I have also discovered that when I love and embrace fear, God/the Universe loves me back and good things start happening!! I now think of my fear as a light, showing me where to go, rather than something that is going to keep me perpetually stuck.
Fear comes up (for me) mostly when I am embarking on some sort of change or entering any sort of uncertainty. It doesn't even have to be a big change, or a major uncertainty. It can be something as simple as leaving work and driving into downtown Toronto to meet up with my sisters. I use this example because I actually observed myself feeling fear when I was heading downtown last week to help my sisters move (and I had to laugh) I also observed myself feeling fear while heading to a friends birthday party this past weekend ...(and again, had to laugh) Obviously my fear around the two above noted situations totally caught my attention, I find it SO INTERESTING to peacefully observe my brain. Being a peaceful observer actually makes me feel giddy. It's super exciting stuff when you have the ability to observe and not place judgment on yourself (And we ALL have this ability!!!)
If I had acted on the fear from the two examples I gave above (a.k.a. listened to my ego) it would have driven me away from loving and amazing experiences for no valid reason. This is why I think it is so vital to start treating fear like a friend, a mean friend (maybe?) but a friend none the less. I used these simple examples to illustrate just how crazy our fears can really be and how my ego tries to ruin everything for me (Although I am absolutely convinced that if I send enough love and awareness to my ego, eventually it won't hold any power over me)
We can feel the fear and do it anyway. It's a choice.
Of course there are fears that are much more difficult to face than the examples I stated above, afterall, it's easy for me to know that both going to help my sisters and attending a party will not be scary experiences. I can trust in advance, in these situations, what I will only KNOW to be a fact in reverse quite easily.
But what if you feel you need to end an unhealthy relationship? or begin a new relationship? or quit a secure job? or change your lifestyle? What if you know you need to come out of the closet in some way, to expose your true self in order to live authentically? These kinds of situations would certainly bring up a lot of fear and it would be harder to trust in advance that the outcome could be better than you may expect it to be. BUT IT CAN BE BETTER and it WILL be better. When we stay in alignment with our HIGHEST self, the outcome is ALWAYS going to be better than you could ever imagine.
You can cultivate that trust by feeling the fear and DOING IT ANYWAY. Everyone has to start somewhere. I gained the power to face my fears simply BY FACING THEM.
It all started with facing the fear of my relationship ending, I thought I would die of a broken heart - literally, and now I have never been happier. If your gut feeling is pulling you in a certain direction but you are too scared to make that move, just pray and TRUST that whatever is on the other side of that fear, although it could initially be painful, is going to be for your greatest GOOD. TRUST THE PROCESS. Feel the fear and PLEASE do it anyway.
I can't think of anything worse than not living the life you were meant to live because you were too scared to move.
The fact that fear arises from our ego mind is something that is very important for me (and you) to remember. If our egos are trying to keep us stuck and they are the ones that produce the fear, why listen to them? Feel it, acknowledge it and say "Thank you, ego, for showing me what I need to do and where I need to go - thank you for helping me learn that my true self is much, much stronger than you"
Whatever it is you choose to say to your ego just make sure you feel the fear and do it anyway. Let's let our God centred, true selves run the show!!!
I read a quote one day that stuck with me from that point on and I don't even know who said it, but it read "God is here, now, guiding us, all we have to do is peacefully follow"
Amen.
Peacefully yours,
Kylie
What a pal. I just love it.
I know we all experience different fears in our lives and sometimes they can be very unmanageable, my goal today is to help you understand that fear really doesn't have to be scary at all.
One of the greatest things I have ever learned is to love fear. I have also discovered that when I love and embrace fear, God/the Universe loves me back and good things start happening!! I now think of my fear as a light, showing me where to go, rather than something that is going to keep me perpetually stuck.
Fear comes up (for me) mostly when I am embarking on some sort of change or entering any sort of uncertainty. It doesn't even have to be a big change, or a major uncertainty. It can be something as simple as leaving work and driving into downtown Toronto to meet up with my sisters. I use this example because I actually observed myself feeling fear when I was heading downtown last week to help my sisters move (and I had to laugh) I also observed myself feeling fear while heading to a friends birthday party this past weekend ...(and again, had to laugh) Obviously my fear around the two above noted situations totally caught my attention, I find it SO INTERESTING to peacefully observe my brain. Being a peaceful observer actually makes me feel giddy. It's super exciting stuff when you have the ability to observe and not place judgment on yourself (And we ALL have this ability!!!)
If I had acted on the fear from the two examples I gave above (a.k.a. listened to my ego) it would have driven me away from loving and amazing experiences for no valid reason. This is why I think it is so vital to start treating fear like a friend, a mean friend (maybe?) but a friend none the less. I used these simple examples to illustrate just how crazy our fears can really be and how my ego tries to ruin everything for me (Although I am absolutely convinced that if I send enough love and awareness to my ego, eventually it won't hold any power over me)
We can feel the fear and do it anyway. It's a choice.
Of course there are fears that are much more difficult to face than the examples I stated above, afterall, it's easy for me to know that both going to help my sisters and attending a party will not be scary experiences. I can trust in advance, in these situations, what I will only KNOW to be a fact in reverse quite easily.
But what if you feel you need to end an unhealthy relationship? or begin a new relationship? or quit a secure job? or change your lifestyle? What if you know you need to come out of the closet in some way, to expose your true self in order to live authentically? These kinds of situations would certainly bring up a lot of fear and it would be harder to trust in advance that the outcome could be better than you may expect it to be. BUT IT CAN BE BETTER and it WILL be better. When we stay in alignment with our HIGHEST self, the outcome is ALWAYS going to be better than you could ever imagine.
You can cultivate that trust by feeling the fear and DOING IT ANYWAY. Everyone has to start somewhere. I gained the power to face my fears simply BY FACING THEM.
It all started with facing the fear of my relationship ending, I thought I would die of a broken heart - literally, and now I have never been happier. If your gut feeling is pulling you in a certain direction but you are too scared to make that move, just pray and TRUST that whatever is on the other side of that fear, although it could initially be painful, is going to be for your greatest GOOD. TRUST THE PROCESS. Feel the fear and PLEASE do it anyway.
I can't think of anything worse than not living the life you were meant to live because you were too scared to move.
The fact that fear arises from our ego mind is something that is very important for me (and you) to remember. If our egos are trying to keep us stuck and they are the ones that produce the fear, why listen to them? Feel it, acknowledge it and say "Thank you, ego, for showing me what I need to do and where I need to go - thank you for helping me learn that my true self is much, much stronger than you"
Whatever it is you choose to say to your ego just make sure you feel the fear and do it anyway. Let's let our God centred, true selves run the show!!!
I read a quote one day that stuck with me from that point on and I don't even know who said it, but it read "God is here, now, guiding us, all we have to do is peacefully follow"
Amen.
Peacefully yours,
Kylie
Thursday, 7 November 2013
I ran a marathon with God.
Running my first marathon was such a spiritual experience for me that I am being called to write about it. Hopefully my experience will benefit you, in one way or another. Here it goes :)
I believe it was in and around April 2013 that one of my best friends, Kristin, and I were out for brunch at Kindfood, discussing our lives, hopes and dreams (as usual) and we started talking about goals. Kristin said that she wanted to do something that she didn't think was possible for her and running a marathon was that something. This sparked my interest, as I have always wanted to run a marathon, but never really thought I could do it either. How could I possibly run for 42.2km straight?? Fast forward to a couple of months later and we were training and signed up for the Scotiabank Waterfront Marathon in Toronto. Unfortunately, Kristin injured her foot and couldn't continue with her training, which was a definite bummer. I have no doubt that if and when the time is right for her to do her first marathon, she will rock it. Kristin is one of the most wonderful people I know. (Love you!)
I had signed up for the marathon training clinic with the Running Room that started on June 20th, 2013. I knew that I needed the support for the long runs, as I could not see myself getting up on a Sunday morning and running 30+km by myself... ever, so that was my main reason for joining. Our group met every Thursday evening, for a quick lesson on all things running and then a group run and again every Sunday for our long run. I won't go into detail around my training experience, but what I will say is that I hit many walls throughout the training. At one point I hated running and never wanted to run again. Sticking with it and moving through a range of emotions made me recognize that every run does not have to be an amazing run. In fact, I don't believe it is possible to ALWAYS have amazing runs, you have to go through the ups and downs in running, as you do in life. It's just a part of the game. Training for a marathon actually taught me a lot about acceptance of exactly where I am, and it taught me a lot about forgiveness too. Instead of beating myself up after a shitty run, I can nurture myself and know that it's a learning experience. I can then do better next time, or the time after that. Training was a challenge in every way, physically, mentally and emotionally and I learned a lot about myself. Many of you who know me, know that I'm in love with God and that I use running as a chance to talk to Him and also as a form of moving meditation, so needless to say running 50+ km/a week... brought me much closer to God. My coach actually started calling me as "eat, pray, love" a nickname that I definitely ADORE.
I need to touch on the week leading up to race day. Running is hard on your body, there is no doubt about that, which is why it is so important to take good care of yourself after your runs, always. Stretching, proper nutrition, relaxation ... all vital to marathon training. Although I tried my best, I didn't stretch enough and my IT bands were so tight as a result. A week before the marathon, my lovey IT band decided it needed to give me a message and on a Saturday run with my sister, at around the 13km mark, I physically could not run anymore due to pain along the side of my left knee. This was exactly 1 week and 1 day before my marathon. Crippling pain that actually caused me to stop running (again, for those of you that know me, you know that I NEVER stop, so something MUST have been very wrong) ... I had to walk the rest of the way back to the car, and I was in a slight panic.
I am 1 week and 1 day out from my first full marathon and I can't run... you have got to be kidding me! Was the only thing that was going through my head.
The following week I saw my chiropractor daily. I bought a brand new pair of running shoes. I rolled out my IT bands as much as possible. I stretched as much as possible. I bought an IT band wrap (thanks to a great recommendation from my friend at work! Thanks Kevin!!) and I tried to take it easy, as much as possible. I did still test myself everyday to see if I could run and each day I found that my pain was still present. I didn't know what to do. Panic started to really sink in the day before the race when I went out for my scheduled 3km and I was in pain the entire time. I pushed through it but Oh. My. God.
The rest of the day on Saturday was spent with my friend Mike, we discussed unconditional acceptance, surrendering to what is, trusting in God's plan and how if my knee is in pain during the run, there is no shame in walking. I am so grateful for his spirituality and that he shares it with me, he has a way of calming me down that I greatly appreciate. I was finding it difficult to wrap my head around potentially not being able to run this race that I had trained so hard for over the last 5 and a half months but the way Mike put it, I realized that I needed to just swallow my pride and acknowledge that that might just have to happen. I needed to let it go. What else could I do? I had done everything that I possibly could, now it was just time to let go and let God.
I had an amazing sleep on Satruday night, a solid 7 hours, which was surprising to me as usually before a long run, I am nervous and can be found tossing and turning all night. I have to thank God for that sleep, as I spent my evening before bed reading from A Course In Miracles and praying. I woke up at 6:00am to have breakfast and get ready to take the train downtown Toronto with Shane and Mumsy. Paige was meeting us at the race as she already lives downtown and Dadsy was coming afterwards with the car, so we could have a comfortable drive home :) I am so grateful for my family. They are so supportive and loving in every way. I forgot to mention that Shane and Paige were both running their first half-marathons on this day as well. It was a family affair!!! My sisters ROCK! (Hi girls!!)
The train to downtown Toronto got us into Union just after 8am. The race was set to start at 8:45 and I am relatively calm. I found this interesting, as it is not the norm for me, even before regular long runs I get nervous and this was race day!!!My leg was taped up by my amazing chiropractor and I was wearing my IT band wrap for good measure as well. I felt a sense of peace within myself, I knew that God was with me and that whatever was meant to happen was going to happen. THIS is what surrender feels like, I remember thinking to myself. I had unconditional loving acceptance for whatever was going to happen, before it had even happened. I had pure trust that everything was going to go EXACTLY as it should.
It took 15 minutes to cross the start line due to the amount of people participating in the race. I started with Shane and we ran the first 16km together. My sister is such a gem, making sure I was okay the whole time, we started off really slow, I am not sure of our exact pace but it was up around 6:20/km ... it felt a bit slow but I knew I had to take it easy, a lady from the Running Company in downtown Oakville had told me the day before that when I get to the 21km mark, it should feel like I have done NOTHING. HAH. I didn't believe that was possible, but I assure you, it was. Miracles happen everyday.
The first 10km flew by. Shane and I were gliding along, not worrying about a thing :) At the 12km mark I started to feel a bit of knee pain, but I remained calm and was confident that it would pass. Shane picked up her pace around 15-16km but I kept the same, slow and steady. I remember thinking when Shane left me that 'Wow, she is almost done and I am nowhere near close'... next thing I knew, I was at the split, one way to finish the half-marathon, the other to continue on for the full, I'd say 80% of the people who were signed up for the race were running the half, so the road opened up completely at the split, which was amazing. I loved this because I felt free, I had space, I hate when there are tons of people around, it isn't ideal for moving meditation. I believe the split was around 19km (or so?) I'm not entierely sure but I know I was running for a bit longer until I saw the 21km mark. At that point, I checked in with my body and I felt stronger than EVER. The "impossible" was possible. I was literally able to say to myself, after running a full 21km, that I had felt like I had done "nothing". I was good to go and ever so grateful that I conserved my energy and ran slower than I needed to the entire first half.
My next goal was to make it to the 25km mark. I like numbers and I like setting mini goals. This became like a game to me. Get to 25 and you've got 17 to go, get to 27 and you've got 15 to go. Get to 30 and you've got 12 to go.. etc, I remember feeling so ecstatic when I was in and around 25-27km that I burst into tears and the guy who was running closest to me asked me if I was okay and I replied "I'm just so happy" .... he didn't get it. I hope he was happy too though.
I am pretty sure (judging from all the pictures I've seen of myself from the run) that I was smiling ear to ear the entire time. I felt the presence of God within me. I was certain that I was not alone, I was with God. I felt so strong and confident. I had significantly picked up my pace the 2nd half and I remember running by people who seemed to be hitting their own personal walls and thinking to myself 'how is it even possible that I feel THIS GOOD? am I actually doing this?' ... I have no idea what the route was, I didn't know where I was at any given time really, except when I was in the Beaches. There were so many people all along the street, cheering, and I remember hearing people say to me "Looking great! Looking STRONG!" and I was like YES!!! It totally reassured me that I was okay. My true self knew that I was MORE than okay, but my pesky ego was still there, trying to tell me that it was not possible that I felt this good after 30km, thank GOD I don't need to listen to that meanie anymore!!!
At the 30km mark I was beyond thrilled. I called my sister to inform her of my progress and told her I was feeling great.
Side note: Yes, I carried my phone with me the entire marathon. I use it as my GPS/tracking device but it came in handy when I felt like talking to someone :) and I can run and talk on the phone quite easily with my earphones :)
After the 30km mark, I don't think I saw another marker for a while, which some people have found hard to believe but I was in my own little world. At this point I was blasting my fav songs and singing along, out loud, having the best time ever!
At the 37km mark we were going around a weird bend and up an annoying tiny hill, it seemed like we were back tracking at this point and I remember feeling, for the FIRST time in the entire race, a little frustrated and ready for the race to be over. I quickly managed to flip that thought around and I told myself that this marathon was in fact going to be over before I knew it, so I better enjoy it while it lasts - that worked, like a charm! I continued running :)
I only had 5km to go and realistically, that was nothing to me at this point. I completely missed the 38km marker, which was a pleasent surprise when I arrived at 39km, expecting 38km... I started tearing up again because I knew that I was on the verge of completing an actual marathon. I hit 40km and it felt like a dream, I called Shane again at this point to inform her that I was 2km away and she told me that her and Dadsy were standing at Adelaide on the left hand side and Paige and Mumsy were at the 500m to go mark on the right hand side. I was so excited to get there and see everyone!!!
I was blasting the song "I love it!" by Icona Pop (I know, I'm 29 going on 13) I love that song though and I don't care, so it was on repeat and I'm singing, again, out loud "I don't care! I love it!"!!! It totally pumped me up and got me through the 40th kilometre. When I hit 41km I really started to reflect on how far I had come, not only for the fact that I had just run 41km (holy shit!) but how far I've come in my life. It was 7 months ago to the day that my relationship ended. I coudn't help but realize that and then I found myself remembering where I was exactly 7 months ago. I was completely heartbroken, in extreme pain, wondering how I was ever going to make it through.... it sounds dramatic but I literally remember thinking 'How am I EVER going to get through this pain? Will I EVER feel okay again?' ... I didn't know, I honestly didn't know. Now, there I was, 1.2km away from finishing A MARATHON, in LOVE with myself more than I ever thought possible, truly the HAPPIEST I have been in YEARS!!! Tears of joy and pure gratitude starting streaming down my face and continued until the end of the run. My running coach, Cari, popped out at me when I had less than 1km to go and ran part of the way in with me, I thanked her so much for all that she had done for me, through tears. I am so grateful for her experience, strength and hope. It was so amazing to see her, shortly after she stopped running with me, I saw my Dad and Shane and I was thrilled!!! Then I saw Paige and I was thrilled. Right after seeing Paige, I saw the sign that said 500m to go and I could not believe my eyes. My Mum was waiting at the Finish Line for me. I didn't see her, because I was in a bubble by that point, but she saw me and took some great pics!
Next thing I knew, I was crossing the finish line.
I started bawling.
I did it!
My official time was 4:19:38. I ran the entire time. I couldn't be happier with the outcome.
This is what I wrote in my journal right after the run:
"Today will go down in history as one of the best, most spiritually connected days of my life. I am so beyond grateful for God and how He allowed me to run my first full marathon. I don't even know how I can put this experience into words. The level of connectedness I felt throughout the entire run was out of this world. It was a miracle. I completely surrender to God's will"
The moral of the story is: With God, ALL things really are possible :)
Love always,
Kylie
I believe it was in and around April 2013 that one of my best friends, Kristin, and I were out for brunch at Kindfood, discussing our lives, hopes and dreams (as usual) and we started talking about goals. Kristin said that she wanted to do something that she didn't think was possible for her and running a marathon was that something. This sparked my interest, as I have always wanted to run a marathon, but never really thought I could do it either. How could I possibly run for 42.2km straight?? Fast forward to a couple of months later and we were training and signed up for the Scotiabank Waterfront Marathon in Toronto. Unfortunately, Kristin injured her foot and couldn't continue with her training, which was a definite bummer. I have no doubt that if and when the time is right for her to do her first marathon, she will rock it. Kristin is one of the most wonderful people I know. (Love you!)
I had signed up for the marathon training clinic with the Running Room that started on June 20th, 2013. I knew that I needed the support for the long runs, as I could not see myself getting up on a Sunday morning and running 30+km by myself... ever, so that was my main reason for joining. Our group met every Thursday evening, for a quick lesson on all things running and then a group run and again every Sunday for our long run. I won't go into detail around my training experience, but what I will say is that I hit many walls throughout the training. At one point I hated running and never wanted to run again. Sticking with it and moving through a range of emotions made me recognize that every run does not have to be an amazing run. In fact, I don't believe it is possible to ALWAYS have amazing runs, you have to go through the ups and downs in running, as you do in life. It's just a part of the game. Training for a marathon actually taught me a lot about acceptance of exactly where I am, and it taught me a lot about forgiveness too. Instead of beating myself up after a shitty run, I can nurture myself and know that it's a learning experience. I can then do better next time, or the time after that. Training was a challenge in every way, physically, mentally and emotionally and I learned a lot about myself. Many of you who know me, know that I'm in love with God and that I use running as a chance to talk to Him and also as a form of moving meditation, so needless to say running 50+ km/a week... brought me much closer to God. My coach actually started calling me as "eat, pray, love" a nickname that I definitely ADORE.
I need to touch on the week leading up to race day. Running is hard on your body, there is no doubt about that, which is why it is so important to take good care of yourself after your runs, always. Stretching, proper nutrition, relaxation ... all vital to marathon training. Although I tried my best, I didn't stretch enough and my IT bands were so tight as a result. A week before the marathon, my lovey IT band decided it needed to give me a message and on a Saturday run with my sister, at around the 13km mark, I physically could not run anymore due to pain along the side of my left knee. This was exactly 1 week and 1 day before my marathon. Crippling pain that actually caused me to stop running (again, for those of you that know me, you know that I NEVER stop, so something MUST have been very wrong) ... I had to walk the rest of the way back to the car, and I was in a slight panic.
I am 1 week and 1 day out from my first full marathon and I can't run... you have got to be kidding me! Was the only thing that was going through my head.
The following week I saw my chiropractor daily. I bought a brand new pair of running shoes. I rolled out my IT bands as much as possible. I stretched as much as possible. I bought an IT band wrap (thanks to a great recommendation from my friend at work! Thanks Kevin!!) and I tried to take it easy, as much as possible. I did still test myself everyday to see if I could run and each day I found that my pain was still present. I didn't know what to do. Panic started to really sink in the day before the race when I went out for my scheduled 3km and I was in pain the entire time. I pushed through it but Oh. My. God.
The rest of the day on Saturday was spent with my friend Mike, we discussed unconditional acceptance, surrendering to what is, trusting in God's plan and how if my knee is in pain during the run, there is no shame in walking. I am so grateful for his spirituality and that he shares it with me, he has a way of calming me down that I greatly appreciate. I was finding it difficult to wrap my head around potentially not being able to run this race that I had trained so hard for over the last 5 and a half months but the way Mike put it, I realized that I needed to just swallow my pride and acknowledge that that might just have to happen. I needed to let it go. What else could I do? I had done everything that I possibly could, now it was just time to let go and let God.
I had an amazing sleep on Satruday night, a solid 7 hours, which was surprising to me as usually before a long run, I am nervous and can be found tossing and turning all night. I have to thank God for that sleep, as I spent my evening before bed reading from A Course In Miracles and praying. I woke up at 6:00am to have breakfast and get ready to take the train downtown Toronto with Shane and Mumsy. Paige was meeting us at the race as she already lives downtown and Dadsy was coming afterwards with the car, so we could have a comfortable drive home :) I am so grateful for my family. They are so supportive and loving in every way. I forgot to mention that Shane and Paige were both running their first half-marathons on this day as well. It was a family affair!!! My sisters ROCK! (Hi girls!!)
The train to downtown Toronto got us into Union just after 8am. The race was set to start at 8:45 and I am relatively calm. I found this interesting, as it is not the norm for me, even before regular long runs I get nervous and this was race day!!!My leg was taped up by my amazing chiropractor and I was wearing my IT band wrap for good measure as well. I felt a sense of peace within myself, I knew that God was with me and that whatever was meant to happen was going to happen. THIS is what surrender feels like, I remember thinking to myself. I had unconditional loving acceptance for whatever was going to happen, before it had even happened. I had pure trust that everything was going to go EXACTLY as it should.
It took 15 minutes to cross the start line due to the amount of people participating in the race. I started with Shane and we ran the first 16km together. My sister is such a gem, making sure I was okay the whole time, we started off really slow, I am not sure of our exact pace but it was up around 6:20/km ... it felt a bit slow but I knew I had to take it easy, a lady from the Running Company in downtown Oakville had told me the day before that when I get to the 21km mark, it should feel like I have done NOTHING. HAH. I didn't believe that was possible, but I assure you, it was. Miracles happen everyday.
The first 10km flew by. Shane and I were gliding along, not worrying about a thing :) At the 12km mark I started to feel a bit of knee pain, but I remained calm and was confident that it would pass. Shane picked up her pace around 15-16km but I kept the same, slow and steady. I remember thinking when Shane left me that 'Wow, she is almost done and I am nowhere near close'... next thing I knew, I was at the split, one way to finish the half-marathon, the other to continue on for the full, I'd say 80% of the people who were signed up for the race were running the half, so the road opened up completely at the split, which was amazing. I loved this because I felt free, I had space, I hate when there are tons of people around, it isn't ideal for moving meditation. I believe the split was around 19km (or so?) I'm not entierely sure but I know I was running for a bit longer until I saw the 21km mark. At that point, I checked in with my body and I felt stronger than EVER. The "impossible" was possible. I was literally able to say to myself, after running a full 21km, that I had felt like I had done "nothing". I was good to go and ever so grateful that I conserved my energy and ran slower than I needed to the entire first half.
My next goal was to make it to the 25km mark. I like numbers and I like setting mini goals. This became like a game to me. Get to 25 and you've got 17 to go, get to 27 and you've got 15 to go. Get to 30 and you've got 12 to go.. etc, I remember feeling so ecstatic when I was in and around 25-27km that I burst into tears and the guy who was running closest to me asked me if I was okay and I replied "I'm just so happy" .... he didn't get it. I hope he was happy too though.
I am pretty sure (judging from all the pictures I've seen of myself from the run) that I was smiling ear to ear the entire time. I felt the presence of God within me. I was certain that I was not alone, I was with God. I felt so strong and confident. I had significantly picked up my pace the 2nd half and I remember running by people who seemed to be hitting their own personal walls and thinking to myself 'how is it even possible that I feel THIS GOOD? am I actually doing this?' ... I have no idea what the route was, I didn't know where I was at any given time really, except when I was in the Beaches. There were so many people all along the street, cheering, and I remember hearing people say to me "Looking great! Looking STRONG!" and I was like YES!!! It totally reassured me that I was okay. My true self knew that I was MORE than okay, but my pesky ego was still there, trying to tell me that it was not possible that I felt this good after 30km, thank GOD I don't need to listen to that meanie anymore!!!
At the 30km mark I was beyond thrilled. I called my sister to inform her of my progress and told her I was feeling great.
Side note: Yes, I carried my phone with me the entire marathon. I use it as my GPS/tracking device but it came in handy when I felt like talking to someone :) and I can run and talk on the phone quite easily with my earphones :)
After the 30km mark, I don't think I saw another marker for a while, which some people have found hard to believe but I was in my own little world. At this point I was blasting my fav songs and singing along, out loud, having the best time ever!
At the 37km mark we were going around a weird bend and up an annoying tiny hill, it seemed like we were back tracking at this point and I remember feeling, for the FIRST time in the entire race, a little frustrated and ready for the race to be over. I quickly managed to flip that thought around and I told myself that this marathon was in fact going to be over before I knew it, so I better enjoy it while it lasts - that worked, like a charm! I continued running :)
I only had 5km to go and realistically, that was nothing to me at this point. I completely missed the 38km marker, which was a pleasent surprise when I arrived at 39km, expecting 38km... I started tearing up again because I knew that I was on the verge of completing an actual marathon. I hit 40km and it felt like a dream, I called Shane again at this point to inform her that I was 2km away and she told me that her and Dadsy were standing at Adelaide on the left hand side and Paige and Mumsy were at the 500m to go mark on the right hand side. I was so excited to get there and see everyone!!!
I was blasting the song "I love it!" by Icona Pop (I know, I'm 29 going on 13) I love that song though and I don't care, so it was on repeat and I'm singing, again, out loud "I don't care! I love it!"!!! It totally pumped me up and got me through the 40th kilometre. When I hit 41km I really started to reflect on how far I had come, not only for the fact that I had just run 41km (holy shit!) but how far I've come in my life. It was 7 months ago to the day that my relationship ended. I coudn't help but realize that and then I found myself remembering where I was exactly 7 months ago. I was completely heartbroken, in extreme pain, wondering how I was ever going to make it through.... it sounds dramatic but I literally remember thinking 'How am I EVER going to get through this pain? Will I EVER feel okay again?' ... I didn't know, I honestly didn't know. Now, there I was, 1.2km away from finishing A MARATHON, in LOVE with myself more than I ever thought possible, truly the HAPPIEST I have been in YEARS!!! Tears of joy and pure gratitude starting streaming down my face and continued until the end of the run. My running coach, Cari, popped out at me when I had less than 1km to go and ran part of the way in with me, I thanked her so much for all that she had done for me, through tears. I am so grateful for her experience, strength and hope. It was so amazing to see her, shortly after she stopped running with me, I saw my Dad and Shane and I was thrilled!!! Then I saw Paige and I was thrilled. Right after seeing Paige, I saw the sign that said 500m to go and I could not believe my eyes. My Mum was waiting at the Finish Line for me. I didn't see her, because I was in a bubble by that point, but she saw me and took some great pics!
Next thing I knew, I was crossing the finish line.
I started bawling.
I did it!
My official time was 4:19:38. I ran the entire time. I couldn't be happier with the outcome.
This is what I wrote in my journal right after the run:
"Today will go down in history as one of the best, most spiritually connected days of my life. I am so beyond grateful for God and how He allowed me to run my first full marathon. I don't even know how I can put this experience into words. The level of connectedness I felt throughout the entire run was out of this world. It was a miracle. I completely surrender to God's will"
The moral of the story is: With God, ALL things really are possible :)
Love always,
Kylie
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