It has been 3 months since my dearest, darlingest Rob passed away … 3 months today. I was saying to Martina earlier this morning on our run that I just CANNOT believe that it has only been 3 months. I cannot. It feels like an eternity to me.
Minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days … it's so cliche, however in the moments when the grief overwhelms me and I feel like my loneliness and pain might kill me … time slows down.
This is neither a good or a bad thing and the amount of time since he's been gone is really irrelevant … the fact of the matter will always remain the same, he is gone and I miss him.
A comment from a friend on my Facebook today suggested that I write about Rob for anyone else who may be going through the same thing and although I have been writing, I thought it actually would be a good idea today, given the fact that it's been a quarter of a year … and my mood has been especially lonely.
I am so grateful that intellectually I KNOW that my feeling are not going to kill me. First things first, you are not your emotions. Our emotions come up to teach us a lesson that needs to be learned, not to rule us.
Once I can separate myself from (in todays case) the loneliness, I invite it in. I ask God what I am meant to learn from this and to help me through the feelings I am having. (If the word God trips you out, ask whatever you believe in, your highest self, the angels, your soul … whatever, it doesn't matter, I ask God) Inviting God into my life through prayer and meditation on a daily basis is as important as breathing. ESPECIALLY during times of emotional turmoil.
Try this simple prayer/request for guidance from A Course In Miracles:
"What would You have me do?
Where would You have me go?
What would You have me say, and to whom?"
After I invite God in and pray my ass off … I usually start to feel better. I then find a healing activity to take part in. Usually for me that's some form of movement, it could be a run, a walk or yoga … it could also be a trip to my local coffee shop to read the paper - reading the paper is a brand new hobby of mine that's proving to be quite invigorating :) it could also be getting my butt to the beach so I can be near the water, I find water to be particularly healing … I could go on … but I won't. I know what activities soothe me, and you know what activities soothe you, pick one and go forth.
If you don't have the luxury of being unemployed like I do and the overwhelm hits you mid-work day, you will be amazed at the power of going to the washroom, locking yourself in a stall and taking 5 long, deep breaths. In my experience this has been like a re-set button to get through the rest of the day.
The fact of the matter is, nothing is going to bring Rob back to me … AND I am still here, sooo I need to be willing to do whatever I can to live peacefully. Some days, I curse this fact. Other days, I am grateful. Whether I'm experiencing a bout of suicidal rage, or a day full of blissful joy … it is absolutely crucial that I do not identify with either. The ups and downs are going to come and go. Equally as important as knowing you are not your sadness, is knowing you are not your joy.
I have experienced a full week of being relatively pain free, to the point that I thought I was "over it" … I got myself so high from believing that I had made it through the grief that when the grief hit me again, it was like being thrown off a cliff and then run over by a bus. It was 10x harder to recover from that because I allowed myself to believe it was over.
It will never be over and that has to be okay, otherwise I'm in for a whole lot of suffering.
This poem by Rumi sums up what I am trying to say, in a much more eloquent fashion…
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi
Love & Light,
Kylie
PS: Help others. It helps.
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